28.8.08

NHL Mascot Power Rankings



It's time. It's time to answer the age old question, "what NHL team has the best mascot". The Mascots will be ranked on 3 catagories. 1) Originality: Is the character just your logo or team name? 2) Name: Is the name a stupid pun? and 3) Punchability: How much do I want to punch it? Each of the 3 will be given a score out of 10. And just in case you were wondering, yes, it is still the off-season.


1.Harvey (Calgary Flames)

Originality: 8/10
Name: 10/10
Punchabilty: 7/10
Total Score: 25/30

A perverted dog named Harvey. Perfect.


2.Al
(Detroit Redwings)

Originality: 6/10
Name: 10/10
Punchabilty: 8/10
Total Score: 24/30

A mascot that has no human in it? I like it. A mascot named Al? Even better.


3.Youppi
(Montreal Canadiens)

Originality: 9/10
Name: 10/10
Punchabilty: 2/10
Total Score: 21/30

Youppi was originally the Montreal Expos mascot, but when they moved to Washington, he was out of the job. It turns out that the rest of the world tends to frown upon french people's bullshit. But luckily, the Habs had an opening, and the rest is history. Very boring history.


4.Carlton Bear
(Toronto Maple Leafs)

Originality: 8/10
Name: 9/10
Punchabilty: 1/10
Total Score: 18/30

A polar bear named Carlton? I'm in. Take off that Leafs jersey, and put him in a sweater vest, and you got something really special.


5.S
parky (New York Islanders)

Originality: 8/10
Name: 5/10
Punchabilty: 3/10
Total Score: 16/30

A dragon huh? I think the better mascot would just be Charles Wang walking around apologizing to people for destroying any future the Islanders may have had. Also, the pic below is that of Nyisles, the sea fearing mascot that sparky replaced. I can tell you this much, that thing would have won this little competition in a landslide.




6.Bailey
(Los Angeles Kings)

Originality: 5/10
Name: 9/10
Punchabilty: 2/10
Total Score: 16/30

I dig the name Baily. When you see a photo like this, and the whole King/Lion thing, you would expect the name to be something lame like "Pride" or "Aurthur" or something. Bailey is just your average middle class working stiff, who drives you to the airport and picks up your mail while your away.



7.Stormy
(Carolina Hurricanes)

Originality: 8/10
Name: 2/10
Punchabilty: 3/10
Total Score: 13/30

This pig costume appears to have been through the ringer a few times. Would it kill someone down there to pony up a few bucks for some Febreze? That thing looks like it was worn while fighting a fire. Actually, I would like to see a pig fight a fire. You listening Disney???



8.Blades
(Boston Bruins)

Originality: 1/10
Name: 5/10
Punchabilty: 7/10
Total Score: 13/30

Blades is wicked retarded. He wouldn't have lasted 2 minutes in the old Boston Gardens.



9.Louie
(St.Louis Blues)

Originality: 3/10
Name: 1/10
Punchabilty: 7/10
Total Score: 11/30

I can't quite put my finger on it, but there is something very racist about this mascot.



10.Tommy Hawk
(Chicago Blackhawks)

Originality: 2/10
Name: 2/10
Punchabilty: 6/10
Total Score: 10/30

Did you know that when you google "TommyHawk" the first thing that pops up is a website for gay erotic literature? You would think that someone from marketing or PR would have double checked that kind of thing before naming the mascot. Oh well, it's not like it's are targeting young children right? Hello? Oh.



11.Sabretooth
(Buffalo Sabres)

Originality: 6/10
Name: 3/10
Punchabilty: 1/10
Total Score: 10/30

First, I would have had the mascot be a giant sword that stabs people in the face, and second, the whole concept of mascots signing autographs is fucked on about 12,000 different levels.



12.Spartacat
(Ottawa Senators)

Originality: 5/10
Name: 3/10
Punchabilty: 1/10
Total Score: 9/30

That cat looks like a homeless person. Dude, I'm not going to give any money because you are just going spend it on drugs.



13.SJ Sharkie
(San Jose Sharks)

Originality: 1/10
Name: 1/10
Punchabilty: 6/10
Total Score: 8/30

A shark named SJ Sharkie. Fuck.



14.NJ Devil
(New Jersey Devils)

Originality: 1/10
Name: 1/10
Punchabilty: 6/10
Total Score: 8/30

I know this guy has the least original name in profesional mascot history (well, tied with his friend SJ Sharkie), but I dig his vibe. It's kind of like hanging out with Vincent Price.


15.Gnash
(Nashville Predators)

Originality: 1/10
Name: 3/10
Punchabilty: 4/10
Total Score: 8/30

If I was a professional athlete, and a mascot started fucking with me during the game. I wouldn't be one of those guys that loses it and starts attacking it, but I would secretly get it fired the next day. Then I would sleep on a giant pile of money.



16.Thrash
(Atlanta Thrashers)

Originality: 1/10
Name: 1/10
Punchabilty: 5/10
Total Score: 7/30

Why does that bird have to get all up in my grill like that? He's all like "Your in my town now, son! Hotlanta, what?!?!" I kind of hope someone googles "Hotlanta" and this post shows up. I mean, who posts about mascots anyways?



17.Thunderbug
(Tampa Bay Lightning)

Originality: 3/10
Name: 2/10
Punchabilty: 2/10
Total Score: 7/30

Why? Why would want your mascot to actually look fat and retarded? And I don't mean retarded like "that is retarded", I mean retarded like this thing needs a cork on it's fork.



18.Iceburgh
(Pittsburgh Penguins)

Originality: 1/10
Name: 3/10
Punchabilty: 2/10
Total Score: 6/30

You know how there are some mascots that are former gymnasts, and they jump through fire, and swing on ropes from the roof, and then there's the mascots that just hug kids and hand out balloons? I willing to bet this thing is the later. I picture a sweaty Italian man that smells like smoke and needs to borrow a few bucks 'til payday, under there.




19.Fin
(Vancouver Canucks)

Originality: 1/10
Name: 2/10
Punchabilty: 2/10
Total Score: 5/30

A whale named fin. Why not a bear named arm? Also, how old is Pamela Anderson now? She looks like a burn victim.



20.Wild Wing
(Anahiem Ducks)

Originality: 1/10
Name: 1/10
Punchabilty: 3/10
Total Score: 5/30

What the fuck is that thing touching the Stanley Cup for? Why not just let it take it home while your at it? I wonder where Wild Wing lives?...I picture a small bachelor apartment with a Mexican man named Tito.



21.Stanley C. Panther
(Florida Panthers)

Originality: 1/10
Name: 1/10
Punchabilty: 2/10
Total Score: 4/30

Stanley C. Panther, huh?...really? Why do I get the overwhelming sense that the owners wife headed up this masterpiece? I would have lowered the fabric on his eyes a bit so he looked intoxicated. I like the idea of drunk animals posing for pictures with children.



22.Stinger
(Columbus Blue Jackets)

Originality: 1/10
Name: 1/10
Punchabilty: 2/10
Total Score: 4/30

Is it just me, or does this thing kind of look like a chinese man? Is that racist? Am I in trouble? Also, get that guy some pants.



23.Howler
(Phoenix Coyotes)

Originality: 1/10
Name: 0/10
Punchabilty: 3/10
Total Score: 4/30

First off, the name Howler was already the name of a mascot (it was a big foot thing in Colorado), and second off the name is stupid. If you ask me, the dogs name is clearly Dennis. He should also be wearing a suit instead of that jersey. There is something really comforting about a Coyote in a suit, like you could trust it with your kids.


Note: Colorado, Dallas, Edmonton, Minnesota, New York & Phily are all smart enough not have a mascot.

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