Johnny Mitchell is a gem? Who the FUCK is Johnny Mitchell? Are Burke and Wilson paying for this shit? All the money that's tied up in that back end and he's touting some guy named Johnny Mitchell? It's not like they can just stick Jeff Finger in the minors and make his salary disappear. Jason Blake should play center. This is getting good. So all the pure centers they have on this squad and it's time to take an old winger and turn him into a center to dish to Kessel? Yeah, fucking Jason Blake is the next fucking Marc Savard. Maybe I should be looking to dish Kessel in my keeper, since the Leafs brass probably use these talks as their blueprint for success. "Do you have a picture of a young boy?" WHAT?!?!?!
Ok, so he is showing us a pic of a dead kid from the pig's poo flu. Sad, I guess, or maybe it is sadder that Don stumbled over getting H1N1 out of his mouth when that's the only thing I've seen on the TV and the front of the paper for the last month.
What's Don's solution to H1N1 you ask? Vaccines maybe? Nope: "Have your own bottle, no more high fives". Brilliant PUT UP THE TROOPERS I FEEL LIKE CRYING!! JESUS CHRIST!!!!
Editor's note: Apologies for the lack of posts, but, really, I'm not the only motherfucker that contributes to this disease. I will also be shutting down my internet for a while, so don't expect much from my bitch ass. I am looking at Williams and Towers to step the fuck up. Either that or this turns into an excuse to go over to my buddy's place and get drunk and post. Only time will tell.
Hey there young bucks!! So it's the 30th anniversary! Of the Dump? Hell no, this shithole hasn't been around that long, we would've been writing from our cribs! But, my favorite target, Dunn-didely-dunn-dunce Cherry has been spitting drivel over electromagnetic waves for exactly that, 30 seasons! I would just like to take a moment to honour Dunce. He has not only managed to stay on the air for that long, spitting hogwash and horseshit to whoever will listen, but he has also managed to turn himself into a national celebrity, whom many Canadians would probably vote into office.
O Canada....
So not a ton to report tonight. Dunce seems pretty proud that he called the kettle black. The "kettle" being Brian Burke and "black" being a hot-headed-Irishman-who- values-goons-over-skill. Bravo! I hope he had a potato pancake in celebration. I might!
It feels good to be back.
Sidenote: When I came back to the dump the other day, I got some weird messages from my browser. If anyone else experiences the same problems and still has the nuts to come in here, please let Williams know so we can try to figure out what it's all about.
SO good ol' Theo found a way to get his name back in the press! And it didn't even involve getting his substance abuse on, or trying to rekindle his career in a beer league! That's about it. I can drink more than Fleury (don't scoff, it's true) and can rag on Cherry harder than he can to. BACK TO THE ROCK'S UNDERSIDE FROM WHENCE YOU CAME! Side Note: I love it when our blog is the first image hit for "Fleury Drunk" when I'm looking for Theo
Dunce starts us off tonight, with a quick piss and moan about how Kovalev got a penalty for being the second Hab ejected during a face-off. He lets us know how rules are "insane". Then, to prove that he knows what he is talking about, he puts on a caveman/Tarzan-esque voice, evidently to show us how linesman talk. It's ironic that he is the one who sounds like a caveman, voice mask non-withstanding. Then het gets mad because Justin Pogge stepped on some Bruins' skate and fell down. Don would have us beleive that the goal should not have counted, as there should have obviously been a penalty. Never mind that the Bruins player was being ridden into the crease by a Leaf. And never mind that Pogge was up in time to make the save but just gave up. I'm not sure what's more pathetic, the fact that Don is still updating us with Leafs' info, or the fact that I am passing it on second hand.
So finally we ge to to Ovechkin, and the Coach's Corner RESPECT t-shirt. Cherry totally fucks my post at this point. He praises Ovechkin and infers that he is an ok guy. He even goes so far as to say he will win the Rocket Richard (not a bold statement were it from anyone else's mouth). Then he praises him for not "jumping around" after he scores and empty netter... Are you even serious? Like Ovechkin would do that? He also mentions that no one should ever jump around. Oh yeah? What about this:
Then Don lets us know that it IS ok for the Oilers team to jump around after Roloson's 51 save performance the other night...Fuck, I am almost as confused as Dunce was when Ron mentioned politics. Small-town Canadians are also the best, according to the Dongler. The best at shoveling chikenshit.
Well, shit. I am going to buy an Ovechkin Jersey next paycheque. It's not even a fucking option anymore. I mean, it's the least I can do for all this glorious cannon fodder Mr. Ovechkin is providing me in my attacks on the defender of hockey xenophobia: Don "Dunce" Cherry.
Scroll down if you need the pre-frame on the story, but you all know the deal. So here's the next installment of hockey's greatest player versus the sport's most senile ambassador of hate. Christ Almighty, does it get any better than this? Maybe if Micheal Jordan had come out wearing a strap-on dildo after Marv Albert took a chunk out of that prozzie...nah not even then. Cherry has been dishing out his pigsnot for so long, the fact that any player, even if he was a beer league player in Africa, challenges him is so refreshing. The fact that it is the BEST PLAYER IN THE NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE is downright soul shifting material, it is like a fucking religious experience for me. These pictures are like when the Virgin Mary showed up on that piece of toast: tasty. Does it say "He Scores" on his crotch? Yep. So there you have it. Ovechkin playing soccer in a Coach's Corner T shirt. The shirt is also said to have had the word "RESPECT" imprinted on the back. I can only assume that means that Ovechkin thinks that Cherry owes him some, as he has made it pretty obvious that he thinks Cherry is an un-interesting old man that he doesn't pay much attention to. This is about the best sports feud since Shaq asked Kobe to tell him how his ass tasted.
Is it Saturday yet? Cause Coach's Room is going to be another "beauty" as the old relic would say.
Edit: Is Mike Green still carrying baby fat? And why is the guy at the end of the tunnel staring at his caboose?
So Don starts us off his usual banter about his "...type of guy..." (reference to Eric Nystrom) who is "...nice to watch..." also mentioning "...his big bone..." in reference to him. Erotic.
Then he goes on to talk about how great Nystrom is as he rounds the goal, shaking his fists, in what is as close to excessive celebration you will see this side of Washington.
SPEAKING OF WASHINGTON!!! (drum roll please)
So they play a clip of Ovechkin's post-game comments after the big five-o, refering to Dunce and "Coach's Room" (fuck that is never going to get old). "Anyhow, Alex, is that his name?" Wow, that's how you're going to rebuttle? Pretend you don't know the name of the NHL's leading scorer? Stellar. Well played, way to show your true colours.
"He then goes on to ask about how would you like to be playing for Tampa Bay?" Well, the year that AO came into the league, weren't the Lightning the defending Cup champs? He probably wouldn't have minded playing for them at that point, rather than for the bottom-feeding Capitals. He took that team on his shoulders and built it into the most exciting franchise in the league. He can fucking do whatever the fuck he wants to do, especially in their shitty ass arena.
Don then starts complaining about how the Lightning had a rookie goalie in. So did the Capitals. That's just the way the cookie (and the Lightning goalies, and organization for that matter) crumble.
THEN he starts talking about the Lightning goalie's feelings. HOLY FUCK!! Don is concerned about people's feelings now? The guy who debases europenas and frenchmen, the guy who basically calls out any player he feels like, regardless of how it may make them "feel", decides that Ovechkin isn't being considerate of peoples feelings? Hey DOn, he just scored 50 goals. That is some emotional shit you and I know nothing about, since neither of us has ever scored a goal in the NHL. You, on the other hand, have an entire week in your basement to sit around and pre-meditate you segment on Coach's Room, and throw whomever you see fit under the bus at any given moment.
YOU TWO FACED DINGBAT.
Then Dunce starts taling about payback and such, basically making Coach's Room sound like a mafia hit segment.
Then he says that everyone is laughing at Alex, when he celebrates. The only person anyone is laughing at is you, you senile old shit.
I won't touch too much on the fallen soldiers love-in bit. O ther than Don airing out his skeletons by talking about the one soldier whose grandfather and father were in the military and all his life he wanted to be in the military. Sounds just like Don, but he actually had the nuts to do it.
FUCK YOU CHERRY!!
Side Note: Pics to come later, I can't stand looking for pics on my buddy's laptop.
Nice goofy outfit. Don wants the fighting debate to go away so we can concentrate on the "beautiful race". Is that the Leafs-Tankvares race? Or was he just talking about white power? Don celebrating Lebanese Canadians through gritted teeth.Why is the fact that he was born in Lebanon even relevant? I get the feeling Don would not have even celebrated this fallen soldier if it hadn't been front page news out in Ontario.
That's it. I apologize for a lack of hatred, but if there's one thing I agree on with the Dunce, it's that fighting should not be abolished in hockey. So that fuckface gets off easy this week.
OOOOOOOOH fuck kids. I seldom apologize, especially on this blog. HOWEVER, I am back at my antics of missing Coach's Corner. Truth be told, I cut my cable and have cut back on drinking as well (I know, shame on me). Anyways, it was brought to my (short) attention (span) today at work, by a co-worker, that my favorite subject, the Dawn Shurry, ripped into #8 this past weekend on his show. I was aghast, more with myself than the idea of Chirpy beaking about something stupid. I vowed to go home and seek out this crime against my favorite hockey player. Then I totally forgot about it. Then I was reading some great shit over @ Bangin Panger and I noticed there was a post there. Then I remembered my mission. Without ado:
Don is wearing an RCMP tie. This gets me excited. More so to do with the Vancouver RCMP and their situation in the media, revolving around the death of that polish dude at the airport. I beleive it had something to do with him holding a stapler and that being cause for tazing the shit out of him.Then something about them getting all the officers involved together for some sort of meeting before they went to trial. I am no legal expert, but I know the one time I've been on the stand, I was told by the lawyer not to talk about it with the other witnesses. It's a media feeding frenzy with good reason. I hope they ban those fucking things. I do dumb shit ALOT when I am wasted (though I have yet to entertain the idea of not lying down when 4 cops come at me), and my shitty ticker would kick a big one if I got zapped.
OFF ON A TASTELESS TANGENT!! Back to the mission at hand:
Donce starts talking about how George Laraques needs to be more like Bob Probert. Is it just me, or does Don seem to pick on alot of guys that don't act like the drug involved players of the 80's? Probert was mean cause the day after a night of lasers equates a terrible depletion of serotonin, it makes you mad, thus why Probert never had many minors, he'd had too many majors the night before.
CUE THE PROBERT YOUTUBE MIXTAPE YEEEEEEEEEEYA BOYYYYE!!
Byron Bitz... "too bad his first name wasn't Tim... get it?" Too bad your name wasn't "Doughnut eating borscht face". "Steve Mason. Rookie of the year." Then Don points out, directing it at Brian Burke, how the Leafs passed up on Mason for names such as Tlusty, Kulemin in the 2006 draft (BTW his delivery on these names was amazing. It felt like I was 10 and watching my friend call the local Chinese delivery and asking for Chicken Chow Meow). That's fucking special Don. Do you know who the Anaheim Mighty Dicks drafted that year? Mark Mitera (? and a yankee btw) and Bryce Swan (?). Fucking awesome!!!!! And all these players were taken before Mason by the fucking way you fucking d fucking nozzle. I am cheering SO FUCKING HARD for Pekka Rinne to win the calder now it isn't even funny. I am going to buy some Baby Duck to celebrate in case he wins.
OK.So. Here comes Don's attack, I'll post the link the boys @ BP had up as I assume it entails most of what I just heard.
1)For Douche to compare AO to a soccer player is despicable. Remember when AO went into the boards and it looked like his year was over? Remember when he got up and skated to the bench, pissed off, but obviously hurt? Remember he didn't miss a game? Fucking tough bastard I say. 2) Exciting players are what any pro sports league needs. They sell seats. They make you want to watch the games. I am not dying to watch the Sedins cycle the puck game in and out (although effective). I am not dying to watch Tim Duncan go "the big fundametal" on it (although effective). I am not dying to watch Jamie Moyer pitch a game with off-speed pitches (although effective). And I am not dying to watch Trent Dilfer manage the Bucs to a Superbowl win (although effective). You know what I like to watch (all death aside)? Superstars do their shit and know that they rocked our fucking minds doing it. The only problem I have with the NFL these days is that they took away TD celebrations that are pre-concieved. Anyway that a player or team wants to celebrate something is just the cherry on top if you ask me. 3)"He's got a free ride." Then Don calls him a goof. THEN Don goes on to say "someone's gonna cut him in half, goof!...Same church, different pew" HOLY FUCKING SHIT...WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY? WHY THE FUCK DO WE WANT TO SEE OVECHKIN GET CUT IN HALF?? I hope you get a fucking dumptruck on your fucking head Cherry. And I will burn every newspaper, vigil, anything I can get my hands on that is in your memory. I hope you fucking die, douche, and I hope, if I ever reproduce (lord forbid) that they never, EVER ask who you were. Fuck your church.
What is wrong with this country? Our government? Maybe. The fact that someone is getting iced every day for the last week in my city? Nope, that's pure excitement. I would have to say the number one thing that is really rotting away the moral fabric of Canada is Don Cherry and his cult fucking status amongst a good chunk of Canadians. So Campbellton Middle School, New Brunswick has spent the past TWO FUCKING MONTHS festooning their gym EVERY FRIDAY AFTERNOON with various adornments in the likeness of DAWN FUCKING CHERRY. This begs the question: Why? Fuck, why?
If we ball park it at one hour per week for maybe 8 weeks or so, that's 8 hours of "art" time the kids wasted drawing pictures of an idiot. Are there no parents that had an issue with their kids (and we are talking about kids up to the age of 12 here) wasting their time with this shit? It's in New Brunswick so probably fucking not, they were probably angry they weren't spending more time on this project. And I really truly hope that I paid for Don's trip with my tax money. I love how there's praise for him taking a detour out of his "packed itinerary" to do this. Um, Don has freely admitted that he spends a good portion of his time in his basement watching TV. If that is a packed itinerary... I think I just shit my pants. The article also has a quote from someone drawing comparisons between the US President and Dunce.
"As Cherry was leaving, he gave a thumbs-up to two local Mounties." More tax dollars sitting around twiddling thumbs. "He also spotted a Union Jack flag underneath a faded photo of the Queen. Cherry stopped, still wearing his Campbellton toque, and sang the first verse of ""God Save the Queen."" School staff applauded vigorously". WHY?!?! Who perpetuates this monarchy shit? Basically, I'm pretty sure that Dongle got paid on my dime to go to some school and polish Wendall Clark's knob (he was there as well) while a bunch of no-minds cheered. And that's what wrong with a lot of fucking people who use the term "eh" more than I do. That is actually Miss New Brunswick... no shit of a lie.
So Dawn starts off tonight harping about playing Carey Price in back-to-back games. You know what Dongle? Go fuck yourself. These are paid frigging athletes and they should be able to work for an hour on back to back days. To say that someone hasn't been the same since, well then maybe they should stay in the fucking minors. Like you did for your playing career.
Dunce then gets a laugh out of the Semin fight, which, I have to admit, is pretty fucking funny. However, him yelling "BELA LUGOSI!" at the top of his lungs throughout was not. I thought he had just finally cracked and was spewing random nonsense, but his boyfriend Rawn said "Belarus" so I guess this was some sort of jab at Belarusians, kind of like if I walked up to Richard Park and pulled my eyes into slants. Except Bela Lugosi was some ugly dude from the 40's that played monsters in black and white films. Fuck this is getting confusing. I THOUGHT FEBRUARY WAS "HOCKEY IS FOR EVERYONE MONTH FFS"!!! Off course, all the pictures I've seen tend to seem like february is "Hockey is for Black People Month"... but I don't want to touch that with one of President Obama's ten foot cigarettes. Moving along.. Dongle praises Savard by chanting his (french) last name over and over "savvy, Savvy. Savvy" kind of like the way Bill Murray mumbles @ those old ladies while he's washing golf balls in Caddyshack.
Then we get treated to some blimp's eye view of some fucking game of shinny that Doug Gilmour and some other dried apricots are playing in BELA LUGOSI!!! BELA LUGOSI!! (Kingston Ontario). Then Don goes on to tell us how he used to sell rabbits there for 50 cents. Well it's a good thing that it's "Hockey is for Everyone" month, because Dungaroo isn't the only guy who sold rabbits in his childhood! "When Santonio Holmes is darting around the grass of Raymond James Stadium on Sunday as the Steelers' big-play receiver or punt returner, few people who see him might know where that crazy zigzag speed came from.
Not too far from here, where the Pittsburgh Steelers and Arizona Cardinals will play in Super Bowl XLIII, there is a town in the midst of a swamp where the children catch rabbits in the muck and mud.
Catch them by hand.
At 7, 8-years old, the kids chase the rabbits and grab them and club them with a sugar cane stalk. Then they put the rabbits in a backpack. When they have enough rabbits, up to 20 for a day's work, the kids sell them for $3 apiece. The coveted cottontail, especially good for soup, can fetch $5.
'We'd punch them in the head, chop them in the back of their neck to kill them instantly,' Holmes said yesterday. 'We had no remorse for those rabbits. We were hunting, just like people out there surviving.'”
Fuck, hockey might not be for everyone, but dead rabbits are?
Man, that is one disturbing picture.
Dunce then gloats about the fact he predicted that someone would eventually get their achilles sliced by a skate. Way to go numbnuts, we've already had two guys get their necks slit, what a big limb you went out on picking a part of the body that's 5 inches from the blade itself....
Then they play some sort of fucking serande to Don. It basically shows him chewing gum and adjusting his trousers while number 4 makes him look good to some song about "Baby, you're the best". Then they pan to Don and he's all misty-eyed. Then I puke in my hands and come back to finish this post. Fin.
So today is day 4 of sobriety. My girlfriend is on some detox diet thing so I said I would do it with her in support, forgetting that meant no booze for a month. Today is my first day off work (not including my hungover Monday after 3 consecutive days of drinking), so it is really just beginning. Anyways, I also shut off the cable so it means alot of computer time for me over the next month and alot more posts. I just thought I would explain the flurry ahead of time.
Both articles are a great read. In the Globe article, I must pick out a few of my favorite segments:
1)""I feel not unlike my 1983 Lincoln — big, ostentatious, still motoring and looking good."" How the fuck did Don manage to conjure up a word like ostentatious? For some reason all this makes me think of is George Strombalopalous badgering him about "Acts of Green". And Dongle calling him some sort of derogatory greek term. Like Zorba.
2)"There is a movie about Cherry's life currently in the preproduction stage." HELP! 3)"Cherry stays in good shape by lifting weights daily. He also can be found most nights either accompanying his son, Tim, a junior scout, to watch local minor midget games or in his basement watching the NHL until the last game of the night concludes." I can only imagine how much Tim loves his dad chirping in his ear all night about "the Canadian kid with no visor that elbowed that Frenchy, he's the guy you want!". Also the fact of Dunce spending a good portion of his life in a basement is fucking great trivia. 4)"A doctor told me that he can tell if an old guy walks into his office wearing a new suit, that means he's feeling good because he is expecting to live a long time," Cherry said. "I just bought six new suits a couple months ago, and I have another six coming." It's nice that the doctor has instilled in Dongle the hope of eternal youth and, in doing so, has blessed us with 12 more fucking sonic colourscapes of shit. Thanks Doc!
So I have missed a few consecutive weeks of my weekly rant. For this, I do apologize. I am a pretty big fan of the NFL and the weekends this time of year get pretty long and hazy. Luckily, the CBC archives all of the episodes of Coache's Corner! Now I can post a link for reference purposes, and I can also go back and make ammends for all those missing posts. So, without furthur ado (and yes, I know it's not the same as watching Dunce live, but I need the practice):
January 17th: Today Don has decided to wear what looks like a McDonalds meat truck accident pattern. He has also decided to harp on Gretzky. That's my job Dunce, stick to attackng French Canadians. He then goes on to attack Bettman for not answering a fax he sent the commish. Hey Don, maybe that fax machine is sitting around in a fucking closet somewhere...since NO ONE USES FUCKING FAX MACHINES TO SEND EMAILS. And any suggestion about Darren Pang is going to fall on deaf ears, it's just that simple. Don then comes up with the brilliant idea that the Canucks should have not started Luongo once he was healthy. That's fucking genius Douche! A team fighting for their playoff lives, the only team with a goalie as their captain, and a team that pretty much blows chunks when he's not playing. Maybe next time they will send him for a conditioning stint! He was also irate that Wellwood was benched for a game. That fatfuck should have been benched for a few. He has one point in the team's last 18 games. I don't give a fuck if you're Sidney Crosby, those are bench numbers, that's how you ride the pine. During one of the video segments, Dunce says to Ronnie "Get your hand over there" in a sort of under-his-breath wife-to-husband kind of voice. Ron responds by smiling and saying "Flowers I couldn't resist", in reference to the floral pattern Dunce was wearing. Did he just grab Dunce's junk? WTH is this a game of grabass or something? January 25th:
Dunce "What is anthropology?" Ron "Multiculturalism, the study of ethnicities" Dunce "Oh..." ... Dunce "I don't understand why you show that....I got alot of stuff tonight"
I think Dunce just got mad @ Ron for mentioning multiculturalism. Dunce then goes on to get angry about the Allstar game's canadian contingent, saying that it is "tough to take seriously when you have 4 Canadians on out of 6." What? So Canada has started producing role-players rather than Allstars. Deal with it. At 3:45 Dunce gives the middle finger. No lies, he flips the bird and taps it against his forehead. Best thing he's done this year by leaps and bounds. Then Dunce talks about how Ethan Moreau should be in the Allstar game. Fuck, I love watching a guy who's played 758 games and scored 252 points. That is the kind of exciting marketing that the NHL should really go after. He also says Brendan Witt is an Allstar, essentially for getting his face in the way of a puck. I'm assuming that's why, or maybe it's his 4 assists in 37 games this year.
January 31st:
I think Doug Gilmour just gave Dunce mono. Why are they kissing again? Cherry just called Clutterbuck "Buttercup". That's actually pretty funny, especially with the latent homosexual undertones invloved. Then Dongle starts talking about "beautiful boys" again... This was definetly one of his more flamboyant segements
