Fire Your Guns! (or Coaches)

What is with the recent coaching overhaul in the NHL?

It seems that knee-jerk reaction has become the sweetheart of GMs all over the league. How else can one explain the firing of a recently-removed Coach of the Year? Notice said coach was picked up and handed a new job within days? Which also resulted in another coach being sacked.

I am all for accountability, and I think poor production should be punished, especially in the goals department. IF I am going to waste my time actually watching hockey, I sure as fuck want to see AT LEAST 5 goals in a game. If I wanted to watch soccer I would watch soccer.

Anyways, good job to Davis Payne, Paul Maurice, Bruce Boudreau, Randy Carlysle and Terry Murray. You guys are jobless. Well, except the aforementioned Boudreau rehiring makes him a member of the job force once again.

SEriously though, even if I have no fucking idea who in the fuck Davis Payne is, why would someone hire Ken Hitchcock to coach a team of young offensively gifted players? Have fun St. Louis, all those draft picks should be buried on the 4th line or in the minors in no time.

I'm pretty sure that's a picture of Hitch scouting some talents and putting tags on their heads for how many years they need to play in the AHL. Also, it looks like he may be concealing a weapon.

Anyways, now that Maruice got fired again, at least we know Carolina will win the cup next year.

It's pretty sad to think, of all the weird places that cup-keeper motherfucker has had to go, that is probably one of the worst/most uncomfortable.

Side note: The donation picture on Wikipedia today looks like a fucking mutant. It's the only charity campaign not for mongloids that useds mongloids to try and drive donations. Weird.


Shanny and the Rules

After a pre-season that saw Shanny hand out 9 suspensions totalling 28 pre-season and 32 regular season games, the suspensions have come to a screeching halt. Is the lack of suspenions in the regular season a result of no more hitting or has Shanny taken a break? Fuck you Dany Heatley!


I like to wear a condom when I peruse HockeyDump. Just to be safe.

How do we explain the lack of posts on the Dump lately? Well, there are many reason really, but in the end, the site was giving out malware like blowjobs at a junior prom. Is it all fixed now? Dunno. I would be wary if I was you.


The week that was: Wayne

Hey kids,

Looks like no one else around here wants to tackle the tough issues. The news items that really demand the attention of a blog with that certain je-ne-sais-quoi, when it comes to boondoggling the bamboozlers, tackling when others might tip-toe. So here we are, let's have at 'er.

Nigger. Faggot.

Those two words are the easiest summation of the trials and tribulations this week of one Wayne Simmonds, close-to-elite level NHL player. Two separate incidents, one per word, that Simmonds was a part of the past seven days. One the victim the other the vocalist.

Incident one:

A spectator threw a banana at Flyers forward Wayne Simmonds during an overtime shootout attempt in Philadelphia’s preseason game against the Detroit Red Wings in Ontario.

Okay, in case you didn't figure it out from the picture, Wayne Simmonds is black. The use of a banana, when thrown at a black person, is considered a racial slur. I guess it means they are a monkey, or a gorilla, or that only black people really like bananas and other races don't. Fuck, I really don't know. It's kind of confusing because I call my yellow friend a banana because he is yellow on the outside but white on the inside. But what's a double-sided race card other than a barrel of laughs at an apple bobbing competition in Ontario's rural backwoods?

To clarify, the article doesn't use the word nigger anywhere in it. Nor does it say the banana wielding hick screamed it as he put his diabolical plan into action. I used the word nigger because that's what we're supposed to think when we read the headline. And you can only take a word's power away by using it. My guess is, if presented the opportunity, the idiot who threw the banana would not take it, to call Wayne Simmonds a nigger. Unless he was feeling suicidal.

The long and the short of the scenario: Simmonds composed himself and scored on his shoot-out attempt. The Red Wings did end up scoring the winner, no news if any backbone-less slimebags anointed them with projectiles of their own.

All mood-lightening jokes aside, and straight -up takes on racism as well, it sounds like Simmonds was fairly matter-of-fact in his dealing with the proceedings. To think that he hasn't been dealing with similar bullshit (although not is such a spectacular fashion) for a good chunk of his life is naive and hoighty-toighty of any person to believe.

Incident two:

Does WAyne Simmonds call Sean Avery a "fucking faggot"?

Oh dear. So less than a week later the victim is the violator in the tribunal of public disdain, the pit of xeno-homo-centuriphobes.

An anecdote! I never laced em up (unlike the other contributors) as a youngster, and didn't give two fucks for hockey until my dearly departed grandfather got me interested in (my now despised) Canucks hockey. It didn't take too many years for me to turn into a testosterone-producing puberty-pushing rage-addled teen, and a huge advocate of the term "fucking faggot" to express my displeasure at any given player or play, be it on the team I was rooting for or the enemy. The hindsight homophobic humbling of these few years is that my dad sat in the other room (he never liked any sports) listening to me wail and bellow bigotry, all the while being a (closeted) "fucking faggot".

I'd be lying if I said I've never used the term nigger in my life. The roots of racism lie deep in some families and you are exposed to it at some point. I also listened to gangsta rap fairly religiously for about a decade, so when you're getting down like a fly ass white-boy does, sometimes you just gotta rap along with Bushwick and Willie D.

Anyways, this article isn't about pointing fingers at Wayne Simmonds for being a hippocrite. It's about pointing fingers at everyone else who wants to turn every banana or fag-bomb into a personal crusade to clear a conscience that they could easily void themselves if they just did some soul searching and realized the onus lies on everyone's hands, and if not, bloodline. So unless you are a test-tube baby, go get high and jerk your blue balls off and tell the closest Chinese lesbian how it felt. It worked for John Lennon.

Fuck, how do you think Peter Worrell felt about playing on the Panthers with this piece of shit cruising around ruining everyone's fun?

Marchand & The Starley Cup Champians

"Marchand confirmed there was a gaffe made on his Stanley Cup tattoo, in his recent "diary" for ESPN Boston":

"Let me clear something up. After we won, a bunch of us got tattoos here in the dressing room of the Garden. Mine originally was misspelled. Instead of saying Stanley Cup Champions it said Stanley Cup Champians. I don't even know how that happened. After I got it, I came in the room and someone was like it says champians ... with an a.

So I went back and the tattoo guy fixed it after that. It's fixed now. It never said Starley either, not sure how that rumor got started. It's Stanley. They obviously knew how to spell Stanley Cup. The only thing that was wrong with it was an a and he turned it into an o for champions".

Fucking Idiot. He wouldnt have noticed if someone didnt point it out. Looks like Starley to me, dont know what Brads looking at...


The fucking idiots are out

Fucking great. Just fucking great. It's all of 3 months and 5 days old, and guess what I had to endure at work today?

Jersey-sightings. Pre-season talk. The jaw-dropping elan of Chanook fans prancing around my fucking city as if it was the beginning of a Cup-defense season.


Truth be told I don't think splitting an atom is a true implosion, but I don't fucking care. Facts impeding my analogies are the least of my problems with these fucking yahoos back on the loose.

Chanook fans should all suffer the ravaging pain of nuclear aftermath. Only the Buffalo Bills losing 3 Superbowls in a row could trump this. The Canucks absolutely shit their pants. Destroyed their fucking Cooperalls harder than a geriatric shotgunning a 4L of Prune Juice after a bean buffet at Foody Goody. I believe their delusion now not only surpasses that of the average Leaf fan, it exponentially obliterates it.

NFL is my drug of choice (other than whatever liquid with a 4% or higher alcohol volume I can get my hands on). I have to wait 7 FUCKING MONTHS between games of meaning. These fucking Chanuckle-heads got to watch their rancid excuse for a hockey club for one month MORE THAN MY WAIT BETWEEN GAMES.

But not this year. This year I learn the black magic. I learn the voodoo. I put a hex on the fucking Seedinks and that greasy muppet they call Robby BLue. I hope that they finish tied for 8th with the fucking Blackhawks and get edged out by the Hawks goal celebration song and a Toews hit on some Canucks Place unfortunate.

Do you want to know what I did during the 4 Bruins wins in that series? I slept. Not on purpose, except for Game 7. I was so gassed from work the previous 3 Bruins wins I had taken a nap. It seemed to do the trick so I came home and put myself to bed instead of watching Game 7. And guess what happened? I woke up to a riot in my city. And I fucking LOOOOOOOOOOVED IT!!!! I threw on the song "Black and YEllow" and I danced around in my fucking underpants. Look at all those idiots showing how classless the fans in this city are! TARNISH THE SHITTY IDIOT FANS!

I told this story to a high-school friend at someone's birthday party (we used to watch Canucks games when I was fan years ago) and he literally got up and left the party. SCORE ONE FOR NON-CANUCKS FANS EVERYWHERE!

The cops should have rode around today and picked up every dirtball wearing a jersey and thrown them in jail for reasons of city security.

Whatever. Fuck you low-life shitbag motherfuckers. Your delusion of future possibility only makes the tears of yesterdays past that much sweeter, even if they've hardly had time to dry.


The Caveman of Sportsnet

With another NHL season around the corner, the Caveman of Sportsnet will be vomiting up another 8 months of useless information for the viewing public. Who hired this fucking Meat Head in the first place? He's the reason Boogard and Rypien overdosed, Belak hung himself, and the Yak-42 couldnt get it up. Get this Caveman Cancer off the air. Below is a series of videos showing him breaking a leg, getting made fun of, and bleeding out of his head which concluded a career of lowered expectations. Enjoy the show.

Leg snapping like a twig, courtesy of Mr. Barnaby. Hilarious! Even Harry Potter's having a laugh in the background.

Sucking in Ottawa.

Still Sucking in Montreal.

Closing the chapter on a Pile of Broken Dreams. Bleeding Head, Awesome! Go Fuck Yourself Nicky!




It's strange that the notion of fantasy hockey has never (to my knowledge) shown up in the Dump. You see, contributors are all part of a Keeper (Dynasty for you yanks). I know, imagine the amount of alcohol-fueled, profanity-laden hazing involved. It's all you can imagine and more on Draft Day (godlike).

Anyways, I wanted to toss this out:

Dobbs (if you don't know, better ask somebody) has Sid the (lip-) Stick, contributing 65 games to the Pens. That total might seem a bit optimistic, it does to me. But the optimism overflow does not end there.

Point projection for brokehead over those 65? Nothing less than 102 points, putting him in the top three (projections, don't forget)

He's paid to do it. We aren't. I know, strange that no one has thrown their hat into the burning ring of fire that is the HD to pay us paupers our just dues for these glowing contributions to the blogosphere. A travesty, to be sure.




Welcome to a new segment at the dump: Cool Hockey Of Days Ere-gone. It will be a feature that shows up whenever the fuck it wants, probably never again.

Ron Tugnutt. How did this name not elicit more chuckles in my younger days? The idea of having to tug your nuts is awesome. His name crossed my mind today and I laughed, so I went looking for something cool. Some CHODE surfing if you will.

CHODE worthy, I suppose, if only to have a video associated with my amusement at some guy's last name.



Due to the Unsuccessful Take-Off Of A Certain Yak-42, The Hockey World Missed Another Shrewd Signing by The Penguins... Hello Richard Park. Great Move Shero. I`m Pretty Sure The Rest Of The League Thought He Retired. Makes Up For The Loss Of Sidney`s Brain.


The shortest plane flight in hockey, KHL edition

Kontinental Hockey League’s Lokomotiv Yaroslavl's plane went down shortly after take-off, I'm assuming sometime in the last 24 hours as I had not heard of this yesterday around this time. 43 dead, including coach Brad McCrimmon, a Stanley Cup winner with the Calgary Flames, as well as former NHLers Pavol Demitra, Ruslan Salei, and Josef VAsicek. The Devils' prospect Alex Vasyunov was also counted among those who perished.

These posts are delicate.

On one had a tragic loss of life. When a co-worker informed me about this at work today I did, in actuality, stop and reflect on how terrible this was, knowing only that Demitra was on the team, as only former Canucks register in the brains of Vancouver fans.

On the other hand, this is The Dump, and there is a standard that contributors must pindown, no matter how lowly.

You may ask yourselves, "How could this happen?". The easy answer: "It's the KHL idiot". Any longtime reader would be privy to prior posts ridiculing Russia's sporting answer to America's XFL. Though longer lasting that the aforementioned motley assembly of big league cast-offs and never-weres, the KHL trumped the XFL in its pittance to players. Players forced to survive solely on their love for the game, daily gruel rations and whatever banana peels fans deemed them worthy of. And now the travel accommodations take center stage as an upcoming satellite hot-stove topic.

But I digress. Dead horses and 18 hole Doc Marlins aside, there is far more tragedy in this turn of events than the recent "Tough Guy Trio" that has garnered so much sports media fervor. Though details remain few surrounding those deaths, there is an aspect of self-selection involved, though the argument for peer-expectations does pose some validity. To me there is a difference between dying after stepping aboard a bus to get to work and getting off work and stepping in front of it.

Well, you can sort of see how the Dump can only hide its ugly head in the snow for so long before the urge to rear becomes to much to contain.

So as an RIP I have myself a bottle of Russian Standard Vodka, of which I am now imbibing. It's really not much of a send off, but damn is it tasty.

For juxtaposition's sake:

If the plane had gone down in the mountains of Minsk, at least Alex Galimov having to go "Alive" on it would have trumped the in-flight meal.

It's The Dump. You weren't gonna get off that easy.

RIP Flight YAk-42.




So The Burning Question Going Into The 2011/12 NHL Season Has To Be:
Which Former NHL Tough Guy Hits The Eject Button On Life Next? Odds On Favourite Has Got To Be Gino, Dont Have To Look Much Further Than The Above Pic To Come To That Conclusion. Let The Suicide Watch Begin!!!



Because we needed to look at something that wasnt a dead guy and his kid.. Gotta love the All Star.


Jesus, a pic with his daughter? That is in very bad taste.


Jose Theodore wants you to rub one out at the game.

Jose: So I was thinking of maybe putting a cool cartoon cat on the side of my mask this year.

Mask Guy: Ok, cool. So you mean like a tough cartoon panther?

Jose: Ya, kinda. Like a really neat girl cat.

Mask Guy: You want the panther to be a girl?

Jose: Ya, you know. Like a basic sexy girl panther in a bikini.

Mask Guy: You want me to paint a panther in a bikini on the side of your mask?

Jose: That's a great idea!

Mask Guy: D cups?

Jose: Yes, D cups.


Easy Ryder.

I like how Mike over here clearly sees that he has taken a massive shite on in and around The Cup, but decides to just roll the discretion inwards as to hopefully mask his bed shitting for another day. Fucking smooth as ice. The lonestar state has got to be pleased as punch with this mental wizard.