Guess who's back?

Hey Kids,

It's been a short off-season. It was a beautiful summer out here on the west coast of Canada. I enjoyed heat waves and barbecues, break-ups and moves, noise-complaints and sports drafts. It was eventful and emotional. But there comes a time to hunker down and dust-off the childish blogs of yesteryear. Times like 1:31pm PST on Wednesday the 30th of September, aka the eve of the NHL regular season. I'm sick as a dog, so I have nothing else to do. Who takes two weeks off after summer ends anyways?

So here we are, Silver Spoon-style, except my face is your monitor and Williams isn't going to hire Mr. T to protect your ass if I start picking on you.

Me And Mr. T - Season 1 - Episode 104 -
Milk Money Bitches.

Enough of that garbage, let's attack some hockey topics:
Don Cherry is going to be a judge of figure skating on a CBC reality tv series. Personally, I think this is tremendous.
Especially tremendous is the opportunity for Glenn Anderson to do some triple axels. You know he's got it in him.


Is anyone else excited about watching their favorite teams play the Habs this year? Their off-season signings should make it similar to Gullivar's Travels with ice skates. I can't wait to see who on that top line goes into the corner to get a puck. I'd say the smart money is on none of them.


That's about all I have for now. But I would like to share a couple pretty goals with you. This kid has been pegged by multiple people as being a third line center. Just thought I would let you know he'll be first line center by year's end (or the next Darren Haydar). Here's hoping for the former, I drafted his ass in my keeper.

Slowest Three Minutes In Hockey, Pwnage Edition.

So Don starts us off his usual banter about his "...type of guy..." (reference to Eric Nystrom) who is "...nice to watch..." also mentioning "...his big bone..." in reference to him. Erotic.

Then he goes on to talk about how great Nystrom is as he rounds the goal, shaking his fists, in what is as close to excessive celebration you will see this side of Washington.

SPEAKING OF WASHINGTON!!! (drum roll please)

So they play a clip of Ovechkin's post-game comments after the big five-o, refering to Dunce and "Coach's Room" (fuck that is never going to get old).
"Anyhow, Alex, is that his name?" Wow, that's how you're going to rebuttle? Pretend you don't know the name of the NHL's leading scorer? Stellar. Well played, way to show your true colours.

"He then goes on to ask about how would you like to be playing for Tampa Bay?" Well, the year that AO came into the league, weren't the Lightning the defending Cup champs? He probably wouldn't have minded playing for them at that point, rather than for the bottom-feeding Capitals. He took that team on his shoulders and built it into the most exciting franchise in the league. He can fucking do whatever the fuck he wants to do, especially in their shitty ass arena.

Don then starts complaining about how the Lightning had a rookie goalie in. So did the Capitals. That's just the way the cookie (and the Lightning goalies, and organization for that matter) crumble.

THEN he starts talking about the Lightning goalie's feelings. HOLY FUCK!! Don is concerned about people's feelings now? The guy who debases europenas and frenchmen, the guy who basically calls out any player he feels like, regardless of how it may make them "feel", decides that Ovechkin isn't being considerate of peoples feelings? Hey DOn, he just scored 50 goals. That is some emotional shit you and I know nothing about, since neither of us has ever scored a goal in the NHL. You, on the other hand, have an entire week in your basement to sit around and pre-meditate you segment on Coach's Room, and throw whomever you see fit under the bus at any given moment.

YOU TWO FACED DINGBAT.


Then Dunce starts taling about payback and such, basically making Coach's Room sound like a mafia hit segment.

Then he says that everyone is laughing at Alex, when he celebrates. The only person anyone is laughing at is you, you senile old shit.

I won't touch too much on the fallen soldiers love-in bit. O ther than Don airing out his skeletons by talking about the one soldier whose grandfather and father were in the military and all his life he wanted to be in the military. Sounds just like Don, but he actually had the nuts to do it.

FUCK YOU CHERRY!!

Side Note: Pics to come later, I can't stand looking for pics on my buddy's laptop.

Ovechkin responds to Don Cherry's remarks.

Holy shit. I am in heaven. This is the best thing I have seen all year, even better than the Panther's fan's tits!!! OH MAN! CHECK IT OUT!!!

Holy shit. It feels like Christmas Eve. I cannot wait for tomorrow night.

HOLY COW I LOVE THIS GUY!!! "Oh yeah, he'll be pissed off...coach's room" HAHAHAH!!
Also found this gem in The Hockey News. A few of AO's reflections on the topic of Dunce Cherry:
"He's not interesting to me, so he can say whatever he wants. I don't care about him,"

All 50:

Campbellton Middle School.... Go Fuck Yourself.

What is wrong with this country? Our government? Maybe. The fact that someone is getting iced every day for the last week in my city? Nope, that's pure excitement. I would have to say the number one thing that is really rotting away the moral fabric of Canada is Don Cherry and his cult fucking status amongst a good chunk of Canadians.

So Campbellton Middle School, New Brunswick has spent the past TWO FUCKING MONTHS festooning their gym EVERY FRIDAY AFTERNOON with various adornments in the likeness of DAWN FUCKING CHERRY.

This begs the question: Why? Fuck, why?

If we ball park it at one hour per week for maybe 8 weeks or so, that's 8 hours of "art" time the kids wasted drawing pictures of an idiot. Are there no parents that had an issue with their kids (and we are talking about kids up to the age of 12 here) wasting their time with this shit? It's in New Brunswick so probably fucking not, they were probably angry they weren't spending more time on this project.

And I really truly hope that I paid for Don's trip with my tax money. I love how there's praise for him taking a detour out of his "packed itinerary" to do this. Um, Don has freely admitted that he spends a good portion of his time in his basement watching TV. If that is a packed itinerary... I think I just shit my pants.

The article also has a quote from someone drawing comparisons between the US President and Dunce.


"As Cherry was leaving, he gave a thumbs-up to two local Mounties." More tax dollars sitting around twiddling thumbs.

"He also spotted a Union Jack flag underneath a faded photo of the Queen. Cherry stopped, still wearing his Campbellton toque, and sang the first verse of ""God Save the Queen."" School staff applauded vigorously". WHY?!?! Who perpetuates this monarchy shit?

Basically, I'm pretty sure that Dongle got paid on my dime to go to some school and polish Wendall Clark's knob (he was there as well) while a bunch of no-minds cheered. And that's what wrong with a lot of fucking people who use the term "eh" more than I do.

That is actually Miss New Brunswick... no shit of a lie.

Happy Dunce Year, Fuckfaces!

Okay, jizzmoppers, here we go. The shit I learned from Dongy-Dong-Dongle Chezwick tonight on Coach's Corner, is as follows:



It's a good thing that hockey is played in slow motion. Cause that's how Dongle likes it. That's why anytime a player goes into the boards with an opposing player's stick in the general vicinity of their feet, it's obvious that there was malicious intent (although if you're Justin Williams you're still a "good kid" and you don't get the full Chezzy berating). I wish sex was in slow motion the other night, maybe then I could have stopped my dick from jackhammering, mid-thrust, into my girlfriend's chode.



Ron McClean isn't supposed to ask Dongle questions about Sid the Skid unless he has consulted him before hand. Maybe they should take the 10 second muzzle off and Ron and Dongle can just tape it in bed together when they wake up.



Skidmark Crosby is in a funk because he signs hockey sticks for people. I guess if all the NHL Superstars go back to the old school way of fucking hookers, doing blow and whatnot before games, shit would be good.



Without Geezer Roberts and Ryan Malone (he's having a great year without Crosby) the Pens are not the same team. I think he meant that in a negative way...?

Don Cherry laughed when they put a black man on screen for the juniors. Seriously. There was nothing funny he was interjecting, they just splashed a clip of the kid (PK Subban) and he started chuckling. Holy Shit. Are my taxes still paying this guy?



Take fighting tips from Wayne Gretzky. Ok, I admit it's BS to have a visor on during a fight and Wayne should have been mad. But who takes fighting tips from Little Miss Muffet? While on the subject, notice how he abslutely layed into Artyukhin for it, but the fact Clutterbuck did it was forgivable? Russinas give us Vodka Dongle. You should be sucking his 80 proof cacksnaggle.



Collapse is an intellectual's word. Really? Because coach Dongle used to call it "coming in" anyone who uses the correct term (collapsing in the defensive zone) is an intellectual? This is actually the best point he's ever made, as most crackheads have more brains in the tip of their coke nail than Dongle has in his entire pruny body.



Dead soldiers are "beautiful boys". We were treated to another war glorification, in which Dongle also managed to put his latent homosexuality front and center with his comment.

This was probably a little over the top, but I had to make up for lack of posts lately. Banzai!

Side Note: I still don't have photoshop, I'm using Paint.net, which, although free, is a poor substitute. Can we start a donation to buy me phtoshop or what?

The slowest three minutes in hockey Part IV

Things I learned tonight from Dunce Cherry:

1) Mike Grier has eyes in the back of his head.

2) 3 seconds in a slow motion replay are equivalent to 3 seconds real time in a game situation.

3) Dunce is a mind reader.

4) Joe Thornton is the best player in the game because a Frenchman scored on a wrap around.

5) Evgeni Malkin is a selfish bastard (and not the best player in the game) because he scored instead of passing on an empty net, with 7 seconds left in a game (for a hat trick that he didn't celebrate...).

6) Brian Burke is going to turn the leafs around by adding a bunch of tough guys.

7) Dale Tallon is a cool guy, due to something that has to do with 19 Canadians and 1 European.

8) The leafs fucking blow almost as hard as Cherry does. (I actually worked this one out on my own)

Don Cherry and THE WAR!

I am pretty tired of listening to Don Cherry force his insecurities on us. He is obviously guilt-stricken over the fact he did not serve in the military like the rest of his family before him. I realized how much I hated this guy during today's Coach's Corner.



He was going off about the war, and they showed some clip of him over in a graveyard in France (doesn't he hate French people?). He knelt over in front of a tombstone and started waxing idiotical about war vets like he knew this guy and as if he himself had been in the war. Then he told me what I should be thinking when I buy my poppy this year. At that point I decided I wasn't going to buy a poppy. Then I remembered that my grandfather Arthur almost died in a POW camp, and realized it would be pretty shallow of me to not buy a poppy and support everything he fought for just because Don Cherry deserves to die in a fire.



Anyone who listens to anything Don Cherry says and takes it to heart should probably take some time to consider offing themselves. The fact that he's a latent-homosexual, racist, pompous, insecure narcissist doesn't even have to be your reason. This video should be more than enough:



The fact he was voted 7th "Greatest Canadian" makes be embarrased to be one. I'm guessing that's right between The Tragically Hip and The Trailer Park Boys. Seriously, who lives in this country? At least we don't have one of these in Vancouver:



If they ever open one I will have to leave town.