When you're this Big they call you, Goalie.

Anyone else remember that Mr.Big commercial from the 80's with Wayne Gretzky? I tried effortlessly to find it on you YouTube, for at least 10 seconds, and it didn't pop up. All I really remember from it was Wayne in all white, jumping up into a freeze frame while the Mr.Big singers rejoiced that "Mr.Big just can't be beat". Is this true? Can Mr.Big not be beat? Was Gretzky supposed to be Mr.Big in this scenario? Because, I gotta tell ya, Wayne may not have been the best spokesperson for a candybar that boasts it's appeal in mass. Maybe someone like Rogatien Vachon would have been a better choice. That guy probably swallowed those things whole, like a bird, in between periods.

Scheduling Conflict

I would first like to say, the city of Vancouver is completely out of basil. Thus, I would like to follow that up with a big "Fuck You" to all of the grocers out there for fucking with my Game 7 Pot O' Lasagna.

Now that we've got that out of the way, I would also like the extend another large "Fuck You" to the idiots at the NHL head office, for the scheduling the last few days. Way to capitalize on as many viewers as possible, you fucking schmucks.

Half awake and apparently gay. The Davey Williams story.

So over the course of the existence of this fine upstanding young blog, I (and the other jerk-offs that write for the Dump) have made no bones about our love affair with Alexander Ovechkin. He is everything good about the NEW NHL. One could make an argument that I may even want to give him a heterosexual blow job, but that is merely here say, and I can't legally attest to that (even if he is practically begging for it). Anyways, my blatant homosexuality aside, I wanted to make a quick little comment to AO's head coach Mr. Boudreau. Fuck you.

But why? Why would I tell that sweet, fat little man to fuck off? Well, you see, he is ruining everything. When Alex scored his 50th the other night, he also opened up a door that has been begging to opened for years in the NHL. That door of course being the planned NFL style celebrations. They are amazing. I know some people will tell you that they don't belong in the game, but you have to remember that those people are pieces of no fun shit, and should die. Which brings me back to Brucie. Brucie had a little talk with our hero after his celebration and quote... "I won't say what we talked about, but we talked. It's the first and only time I've seen that happen in all the time I've been watching Alex. I've never seen him do a celebration like that. But I don't expect it to happen again."

Thanks for that. We finally get a guy with both talent and personality and it gets wiped out immediately. Does the NHL even have a marketing division? Or is it just Bettman and his bald friends? I picture a door in an office in new york that reads NHL Marketing and Media Relations, and when you open it it's just a chair with a chicken standing on it.

So basically I'm tired of typing and I lost my train of thought, so I will sum it all up with this...

OVECHKIN = My wife leaving me.

Boudreau = Smells worse than my nuts.

Marketing = Goes well with waffles.

This blog = Downhill fast.

AO > The Kid

Are you fucking kidding me? I don't know how many times we have to repeat ourselves on this blog, but AO IS the face of the NHL, whether Betts and the boys in NYC like it or not. This video is just one of hundreds that show up almost weekly of Alex and Friends acting, well, like their age. It's REFRESHING. Just in case you were confused on that last thought, that is a good thing.

Is it just me? Or are all these cell phone videos of Alex goofing off not about 100 times more effective at making you love hockey than any of those NHL approved million dollar focus group wank fests that Crosby keeps starring in? How about instead of making some hockey purest, love of the game, Canadian circle jerk, you stop trying to turn Sid into another Gretzky clone, and focus on what actually works. O-VECH-KIN.

Here is the new idea, just have a camera follow the Caps around and watch the viewers and subsequent dollars roll in. And if you have time, tell Sid to shut the fuck up and smile every once in a while. Seriously, that guy walks around like his dog just died. But I guess if you were told that if you weren't the best, you were a failure ever since you were 13, you would be kind of a cock too.

Wow.

Minor League Hockey blows my fucking mind.

Just when you think that AA Baseball had the market cornered on crazy publicity bullshit, here comes the ECHL. It seems that The Las Vegas Wranglers, and the Bakersfield Condors are going to pay tribute to the great Governor Rod Blagojevich, by donning some special uni's for their upcoming match. That's right, they are going to dress up like convicts. Amazing.

The best part of this whole thing is that the refs are getting involved as well by dressing like cops that night. Unreal. Who needs integrity when you have 800 fans in attendance?

GO! MARKETING GO!

Blues Bankers

Here's another gem from the marketing side of hockey: The St. Louis Blues for their remaining Saturday home games will give some lucky winner 4 months paid rent or mortgage payments....Yup. So here's how I see this:

Wife-y:"Honey, the bank wants to take our home away from us, what should we do?"

Hubby: "Go see a hockey game?"

It appears the new demographic added to the Blues target audience, besides hungry fat people (same link), is now people on the verge of receiving foreclosure on their homes or notices of eviction. How else could you explain it? No other way, that's how.

By February they'll be offering a free nights stay at the local YMCA in exchange for a game ticket.

At least the Blues are living up to their name now.

Averybody hates Sean.

More video madness popped up in the blogesphere the other day in the form of an interview with Sean Avery and some girl from some show I have never heard of.



I think the best part of this interview is that Sean is absolutely right. Bettman can't market the game worth shit. What's more exciting, Sean Avery or Marty Turco? Turco is a really nice guy, but he doesn't exactly sell the game. Also, I LOVE how Sean managed to hit on the host and slam Marty Broadeur at the same time. Amazing.

VIVA LA AVERY!

Come on down!

Greg at Puck Daddy has yet again posted the best story of the day, and it's only 9:30am. It seems the good people at CBS decided to invite Armstrong, Brown, Calder, and Gauthier of the Kings down to the Price is Right presumably so they can at least feel whats it's like to win at least once this season. It must be nice for the crowd of rednecks, college kids, and Navy Reserves to see that they are fighting a group of Millionaires for a brand new snow-cone maker.

Oh, and apparently Dustin Brown's shirt was pulled off in the middle of the whole thing. Seriously, can't that guy keep his clothes on for 2 minutes?

The Golden Ticket

The dream of many a hockey fan is to own seasons tickets to their favorite team. But, depending on where you live, that dream may be a close reality, or about as likely as the Stanley Cup banner making it's way to the Air Canada Center anytime soon. The following is a list of all the teams, and what it's gonna set you back for the right to pay for $8 beers, and $20 parking.

Anahiem Ducks
$2,430-$8,910

Atlanta Thrashers
$440-11,660

Boston Bruins
$645-$6,450

Buffalo Sabers
$820-$3,280

Calgary Flames
$783-$6,605

Carolina Hurricanes
$946-$5,913

Chicago Blackhawks
$660-$12,540

Colorado Avalanche
Waiting List - No figures available

Columbus Blue Jackets
$810-$6,075

Dallas Stars
$572-$5,940

Detroit Redwings
Fun Fact: When you visit the Red Wings website, and click on "2008-09 Full Season Plan" it sends you to Bluejackets.com. Try it yourself! (Note 2: They kind of fixed it. Now it sends you to Washingtoncapitols.com) Fucking Amazing.

Edmonton Oilers
$1,902-$6,787

Floriada Panthers
$387-$9000

Los Angeles Kings
$451-$4,039

Minnesota Wild
$792-$9,900
(includes access to a Fishing Lodge, whatever that means)

Nashville Predators
$774-$4,954

New Jersey Devils
$968-$7,480

New York Islanders
$798-$4,830

New York Rangers
Waiting List - No figures available

Ottawa Senators
$832-$5,514

Philadelphia Flyers
$1,012-$3,476

Phoenix Coyotes
$396-$11,000

Pittsburgh Penguins
Waiting List - No figures available

San Jose Sharks
$792-$6,600

St.Louis Blues
$440-$7,480

Tampa Bay Lightning
$499-$12,999

Toronto Maple Leafs
Waiting List - No figures available

Vancouver Canucks
Waiting List - No figures available

Washington Capitols
$680-$8500

It was funny to see that Florida offers Season Tickets for $387 when season tickets to my local Junior Hockey Team start at $486 and there is 10 less games. Also, nice to see Pittsburgh adopting the Toronto/Vancouver "if you have to ask, it's too expensive" motto. Weren't they moving to Kansas City a few years ago? Ah, How quickly we forget.

"It's Stamkos Time", or maybe "Watch out for Steven". Either headline works just fine.

So, Steven Stamkos signed a nice little contract the other day to be the spokesperson for the luxury Swiss Watch company, Tissot. I'm assuming the gig involves him wearing the watch, and collecting large cheques. Not bad work if you can get it. Stamkos must have a pretty good agent if he is getting endorsement deals before he has ever even played a game. Maybe Malkin should give him a call since his agent has only managed to get him a non speaking role in this epic piece of advertising history.

You can also check out Entertainment Tonight Canada's spin on this story Here. What the hell happened to Rick the Temp? He looks like a burnt toddler, and sounds like he had some sort of reverse stroke. Seriously, why is he talking like that?

Out of Africa: Top 10 NHLers born in Africa.

The Chicago Blackhawks announced today that they have signed their 3rd Rounder form the '07 draft, Akim Aliu. Why is this news? It isn't. But ya know whats kinda neat about it? Akim was born in Okene, Nigeria. This of course is a great opportunity to post the Top 10 List of NHL Players Born in Africa. Ready? Let's go.

10. Akim Aliu (Nigeria) - Blackhawks


9. Rumun Ndur (Nigeria)- Sabers, Rangers, Thrashers


8.Chris Nielsen (Tanzania) - Columbus


7. Olaf Kolzig (South Africa) - Capitals, Lightning



So I guess 6 through 1 will have to wait a few years, since only 4 NHLers in all of history were born in Africa, and I think only 6 have been there. Maybe it's time for a little exposure for our foreign friends. How about instead of playing those pre-season games in Germany and Switzerland, the send the Rangers, Lightning and Sens to Botswana and Togo? Maybe after that kind of exposure we can add a few more names to the list by 2028? Now thats what I call global marketing.

You can also check out the South African Ice Hockey Association website here.

Season in the Abyss.

So for some reason I found myself reading through the pages of NHL.com today, and they have story about the similarities between hockey and heavy metal. It's fine article and all, but I was left a little disappointed. You see the photo that accompanied the link on their main page was that of California's own, Slayer, wearing custom Dallas Stars jerseys, and the article was about Talent, Unity, and Intensity. Not the Metal Gods in the photo. So I simply googled, Slayer + NHL to find the original article that accompanied the photo, and that my friends is a good read. It's written by Jere Lehtinen, for the Dallas Stars Homepage. It's about how he went to a Slayer concert last summer, as a feature for the league. They knew he was a die hard fan, and set the whole thing up. I guess thats a pretty sweet perk. Whens the last time your job flew you out to go backstage and meet your favorite band?

I think the NHL should do more of these features to sell their product. It's nice to see a player with a personality. that doesn't just listen to the status quo Nickleback or U2. Maybe they could do a feature on a player that has a love of movies at his local independent theater, or a player traveling through Africa? Not just the same standard hockey player in an NHLPA baseball cap, on a fishing boat,with a can of beer, and an ah shucks attitude player profile that has been shoved down our throats for the last 20 years.

But at the same time, at least it's not the NBA.

Why were all the Leafs photos in black & white?

Actually it still weighs 35 pounds even when your lifting it...sooooo......ya,....just saying.

D.O.A. Would probably like these.

So you may have read about this on a more popular hockey blog already, but Get High On Hockey is now offering sweet Punk Rock hockey card buttons for sale on the cheap. This surprises me for a number of reasons all which are the fact that I thought I was the only person in the world that even knew about Get High On Hockey. It's a great blog about hockey cards, and more importantly, why the shittiest ones are the sweetest.

A mid summers night rant.

Remember when the NHL didn't have a boner for US television markets? Back when there was no Hockey Commissioner (thats right they made that tile up special for Gary). Remember when there were the Campbell and Wales Conferences, and the Divisions were named after dead assholes? Those were good times. That was before shitty hockey cities won Stanley Cups, and pucks started to glow. I think there needs to be a change.

I think hockey is a regional sport, just like Nascar. Nobody from the north gives a shit about cars racing in a circle (except for a small minority), and nobody from the south gives a fuck about a bunch of Canadians skating around in a circle (except for a small minority). The only difference here is that Nascar doesn't give a shit what the North thinks, and the NHL loses hours of sleep over why the South doesn't like them. "Is it the fighting? We can change that! Is it because the puck is too hard to see? We can fix that! Please tell us what to do, and we will do it!"

How about this? The NHL comes to terms with the fact that it isn't ever going to go up against Footballl or Basketball or Baseball, and just caters to their hardcore fans. It worked for Nascar, why wouldn't it work here? Fuck Sunrise, and Nashville, and give Winnipeg another chance. I know they are sorry for whatever it was they did. How about Green Bay? That town has like 3 people in it and it sells out a football stadium every week.

And while we are on the topic of basing the NHL on other successful sports models, take a page out of the NFL's marketing book. You know how everybody in America owns a football jersey? That's because they don't cost $300. They practically give them away. Actually so does every other major US sport.

Sometimes I think the NBA sent Gary over to the NHL because they were getting to close for comfort. "Gary, your mission if you accept it, is to head up to Canada, and fuck shit up".

Anyways, this post is getting way too long. Basically, fuck everything.

The end.

Fuck the Winter Classic.

First, let's admit what the Winter Classic is. It's a giant publicity stunt for the NHL. It's not a way to celebrate the roots of the game, it's a way to trick Americans into watching hockey on Bowl day. That being said, is an outdoor game the best way to win over the Neilsons?

I remember back in 1991, Gretzky and the Kings took on the Blue shirts outside at Caesers Palace in Las Vegas. It was 80 something degrees, and all the fans were in shorts, and drunk, and it was awesome. Now, tell me, almost 20 years later, imagine the crazyness the City of Vegas could roll out if that was to happen again. You could close down part of the strip and do it there. Imagine Showcasing Crosby and Stamkos during a night game under the lights? That would be sick. I was there for the NBA All-Star Weekend in 2007, and you would think that it was the World Cup the way the city bent over for that game. You want attention? Las Vegas brings it.

But that not the only way to get it, what if you had a game on the ice at Rockefeller Center in NYC? Or in Central Park? Or Listel? What about having a day where every team plays each other in a non NHL market? You think that might make the Sports Center?

Basically, the outdoor games in front of 70,000 people in the dead of winter are great, but they are preaching to the choir. If you want to expose the game, then expos the game. It doesn't take a genius.