Hey there young bucks!! So it's the 30th anniversary! Of the Dump? Hell no, this shithole hasn't been around that long, we would've been writing from our cribs! But, my favorite target, Dunn-didely-dunn-dunce Cherry has been spitting drivel over electromagnetic waves for exactly that, 30 seasons! I would just like to take a moment to honour Dunce. He has not only managed to stay on the air for that long, spitting hogwash and horseshit to whoever will listen, but he has also managed to turn himself into a national celebrity, whom many Canadians would probably vote into office.
O Canada....
So not a ton to report tonight. Dunce seems pretty proud that he called the kettle black. The "kettle" being Brian Burke and "black" being a hot-headed-Irishman-who- values-goons-over-skill. Bravo! I hope he had a potato pancake in celebration. I might!
It feels good to be back.
Sidenote: When I came back to the dump the other day, I got some weird messages from my browser. If anyone else experiences the same problems and still has the nuts to come in here, please let Williams know so we can try to figure out what it's all about.
OOOOOOOOH fuck kids. I seldom apologize, especially on this blog. HOWEVER, I am back at my antics of missing Coach's Corner. Truth be told, I cut my cable and have cut back on drinking as well (I know, shame on me). Anyways, it was brought to my (short) attention (span) today at work, by a co-worker, that my favorite subject, the Dawn Shurry, ripped into #8 this past weekend on his show. I was aghast, more with myself than the idea of Chirpy beaking about something stupid. I vowed to go home and seek out this crime against my favorite hockey player. Then I totally forgot about it. Then I was reading some great shit over @ Bangin Panger and I noticed there was a post there. Then I remembered my mission. Without ado:
Don is wearing an RCMP tie. This gets me excited. More so to do with the Vancouver RCMP and their situation in the media, revolving around the death of that polish dude at the airport. I beleive it had something to do with him holding a stapler and that being cause for tazing the shit out of him.Then something about them getting all the officers involved together for some sort of meeting before they went to trial. I am no legal expert, but I know the one time I've been on the stand, I was told by the lawyer not to talk about it with the other witnesses. It's a media feeding frenzy with good reason. I hope they ban those fucking things. I do dumb shit ALOT when I am wasted (though I have yet to entertain the idea of not lying down when 4 cops come at me), and my shitty ticker would kick a big one if I got zapped.
OFF ON A TASTELESS TANGENT!! Back to the mission at hand:
Donce starts talking about how George Laraques needs to be more like Bob Probert. Is it just me, or does Don seem to pick on alot of guys that don't act like the drug involved players of the 80's? Probert was mean cause the day after a night of lasers equates a terrible depletion of serotonin, it makes you mad, thus why Probert never had many minors, he'd had too many majors the night before.
CUE THE PROBERT YOUTUBE MIXTAPE YEEEEEEEEEEYA BOYYYYE!!
Byron Bitz... "too bad his first name wasn't Tim... get it?" Too bad your name wasn't "Doughnut eating borscht face". "Steve Mason. Rookie of the year." Then Don points out, directing it at Brian Burke, how the Leafs passed up on Mason for names such as Tlusty, Kulemin in the 2006 draft (BTW his delivery on these names was amazing. It felt like I was 10 and watching my friend call the local Chinese delivery and asking for Chicken Chow Meow). That's fucking special Don. Do you know who the Anaheim Mighty Dicks drafted that year? Mark Mitera (? and a yankee btw) and Bryce Swan (?). Fucking awesome!!!!! And all these players were taken before Mason by the fucking way you fucking d fucking nozzle. I am cheering SO FUCKING HARD for Pekka Rinne to win the calder now it isn't even funny. I am going to buy some Baby Duck to celebrate in case he wins.
OK.So. Here comes Don's attack, I'll post the link the boys @ BP had up as I assume it entails most of what I just heard.
1)For Douche to compare AO to a soccer player is despicable. Remember when AO went into the boards and it looked like his year was over? Remember when he got up and skated to the bench, pissed off, but obviously hurt? Remember he didn't miss a game? Fucking tough bastard I say. 2) Exciting players are what any pro sports league needs. They sell seats. They make you want to watch the games. I am not dying to watch the Sedins cycle the puck game in and out (although effective). I am not dying to watch Tim Duncan go "the big fundametal" on it (although effective). I am not dying to watch Jamie Moyer pitch a game with off-speed pitches (although effective). And I am not dying to watch Trent Dilfer manage the Bucs to a Superbowl win (although effective). You know what I like to watch (all death aside)? Superstars do their shit and know that they rocked our fucking minds doing it. The only problem I have with the NFL these days is that they took away TD celebrations that are pre-concieved. Anyway that a player or team wants to celebrate something is just the cherry on top if you ask me. 3)"He's got a free ride." Then Don calls him a goof. THEN Don goes on to say "someone's gonna cut him in half, goof!...Same church, different pew" HOLY FUCKING SHIT...WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY? WHY THE FUCK DO WE WANT TO SEE OVECHKIN GET CUT IN HALF?? I hope you get a fucking dumptruck on your fucking head Cherry. And I will burn every newspaper, vigil, anything I can get my hands on that is in your memory. I hope you fucking die, douche, and I hope, if I ever reproduce (lord forbid) that they never, EVER ask who you were. Fuck your church.
Well it's that special time kids. Cozy up by the fire. Especially if you live in Vancouver, since we are now two weeks into our best impression of a Quebec winter.
When the irishman takes over the barn will be full of respect. The barn being Toronto's shitty NHL ice rink and the irishman being this drunk. Oh wait, that's not Brian Burke, that's a drawing of George Parros. Oops.
Mike Keenan is a great head coach because he stuck with Todd Bertuzzi. Like he fucking has anyone else on that team to use? God I love crocodile tears almost as much as the term itself.
I had to explain my need to watch Dunce to a friend so we could turn off the WJC. Not that he asked for an explanation, just cause I felt like a fruitcake requesting to see this guy. At that point my friend told me about some "beer league dude that got in a fight and smashed his head on the ground. Then he went into a coma and passed away" After I had made fun of him for about 5 minutes for using the term "passed away" for someone other than his grandmother, it turned out my good friend was clairvoyant. It's a good thing Stef was around to explain to me what had happened, because all Dunce and Ronald did was flash his picture on the screen and mention he succumbed to his head trauma. Had I not had the inside scoop I would have assumed he was another dead soldier. I bring all this up because the dead head-trauma-passed-away-motherfucker was pertinent to hockey. He died in a hockey fight. Dead soldiers do not pertain to hockey (and don't you fucking dare bring up some shit about fighting for freedom and without freedon there would be no hockey. That is some fucking hippie douche nozzle shit that I will light you on fire for). However, Duncey and Ronnie swept a death from fighting under the rug and decided to play dead-soldier-facebook instead, throwing up pictures of some fat dead guy's wedding and some salad tossing at a local legion. He also faked crying (rock the croc Dunce!) during the cut-out to the pictures. Side note: Is Coach's Corner always sponsored by Moore's? Does that mean they hasve to make Don's suits?
My apologies for my last post. I was in a drunken state of disarray after having my pad broken into and my television stolen. Being that I have all this pent up anger, I think now is a great time to let some steam off.... so without further ado:
Duncey-Boy started off his segment tonight with a brief plug for his latest Rock 'Em Sock 'Em. That's fine with me, I actually love that early part of the series, since youtube didn't exist until recently (I hope he still uses early '90's radio techno). I don't, however, agree with his comment that he "needs to make a buck". I'm pretty sure the money that clown is getting paid by the canadian taxpayers for 5 minutes work a week is more than enough. Seriously, I pay that guy, that's fucking sickening.
Duncemaster then got into how in order to be a role model, pro hockey players must show up for games in suits. Teams like Tampa Bay and Ottawa, who showed up in dress shirts that had no ties, nor were top buttoned, are "going to steal your hubcaps". He then alluded to a couple of guys on Ottawa making out with each other...WTF? It didn't even make sense... they went from being guys that would steal your car to dudes who were about to make out. I dunno, maybe the guys who stole my TV and PS3 were West End homosexuals with a penchant for crowbars and HD NHL 08.
He then went on to talk about how staying on the ice with a broken arm is a good canadian thing (being useless is canadian!). Then talked about how the Irishman was going to bring up all the AHL kids when he took over the Leafs (cause he didn't yo-yo Bobby Ryan in the minors at all).
The cherry on top (eat that pun like a rotten clam), was that he COMMENDED (not to be confused with codemned, which would have been correct) the Vancouver Canucks scouting staff. WHAT?....WHAT?!?....I'm pretty sure Mr. Williams has talked about Vancouver's scouting before so I'll leave it @ that.
PS This virtually guarantees that Cody Hodgson will be a complete bust.
Brian Burke has announced that he is seeking to get Dave Nonis in on his new Maple Leaf regime. Now, not only will Toronto have to increase its supply of potatoes and Jameison's, the city's restaurants will also have to start locking their lard dumpsters.
2) 3 seconds in a slow motion replay are equivalent to 3 seconds real time in a game situation.
3) Dunce is a mind reader.
4) Joe Thornton is the best player in the game because a Frenchman scored on a wrap around.
5) Evgeni Malkin is a selfish bastard (and not the best player in the game) because he scored instead of passing on an empty net, with 7 seconds left in a game (for a hat trick that he didn't celebrate...).
6) Brian Burke is going to turn the leafs around by adding a bunch of tough guys.
7) Dale Tallon is a cool guy, due to something that has to do with 19 Canadians and 1 European.
8) The leafs fucking blow almost as hard as Cherry does. (I actually worked this one out on my own)
On Mark Messier "...ahh, he's American or sumpthin'." What?
On Wellwood "It's too bad I'm here on TV because 29 other dumb-dumbs passed on this kid, I coulda had him. And he was going to go to Europe!"
Picturing Don Cherry "having" Wellwood gets my gearbox going. Hearing Don Cherry claiming to be smarter than all GMs other than Mike Gillis is amazing.
On Brian Burke "He'll get some Canadians on this team (Leafs) and turn the ship around!"
The only Canadian ship turner they will get is Tavares, and even Milbury could figure that one out. It must also feel good to be a Canadian on the Leafs and be referred to as some sort of second rate garbage. Fucking Racist.
I apologize for not having more an opinion on this segment, I just got in and turned it on about halfway through. Probably for the best.
And now, Don Cherry getting a hard one for Scott Thompson
Apparently the only thing bigger than Mr. Burke's head is his own anal cavity.
Today he put Mathieu Schneider on waivers. Huh? A top offensive D-man can't even get traded for a low draft pick? My theory is this: When Burke didn't like the "low-ball" offers he simply decided to screw over some teams by putting him on the waiver wire.
AND, this is the second time in less than a year that he's done this. Remember how the Coyotes got their hands on Bryzgalov last year? It was from the Ducks, off of waivers.
Note to Mr. Burke: eat your ego for breakfast, 'cause when you have 2 top players under contract and you get nothing for them people may start to ask questions (and the answers could be painful if they're located up your ass).
PS - I really hope he's kept a diary on these moves like he did a couple of years ago. I like Burke as a show-boatin' media whore but his GM'ing is a little suspect - right, Mr. Lowe?
