Did I just see that?

14 Minute mark, 2nd Period, Joe Louis Arena: Turco just wiped his dirty hands on the refs jersey, and nobody blinked. I repeat, TURCO JUST WIPED HIS HANDS ON THE REF. Am I on crazy pills? On what planet can you pull that maneuver off in any sport get away with it.

Editors Note: Somebody better upload that shit to YouTube, or I will lose my shit.

Editors Note 2: I'm really tired. I wonder if there is any pizza left over from last night? Not that the pizza has anything to do with my being tired. Or does it? It did have the hippie whole wheat crust thing going on. Hmmmm.....


Questions about the Young "Stars" Game

1) On what planet is Mason Raymond considered a star? (pun intended)

2) Is this the only goal Luke Schenn will score this season?

3) Why do I have to listen to Luc Robitaille cough into a microphone?

4) Is Luc ailing?

5) Why do I have to watch replays instead of the actual "game"?

7) How many jokes can Luc Robitaille make about playing the trap in 2 minutes?

8) Where is Pesonen?

What the hell was that?

So there I am, sitting on my couch, eating a bag of Lay's Original, minding my own business, and it occurs to me that the Skills Comp is about to start. Now normally this would be when I have my afternoon nap, but I spilt ice cream on pillow at breakfast. So I decide to give it a go. After 5 minutes of trying, I manage to flick the clicker up to my hand with my foot, and change the channel to the old trusty Canadian stand by, CBC.

It all starts of fine, with Ron Maclean talking about some bullshit with a couple of douche-bags, when he cuts to the player "introductions". Hmmm,....how to put this...It was mind blowing. And I don't mean mind blowing as in "good", I mean mind blowing as in "I just picked up a gun, loaded it with a single bullet, and blew my brains all over the wall.

Here is the play by play exactly as it happened...

1. A circular stage covered by a sheet sits at center ice.

2. A silhouette of a man playing an organ appears.

3. Curtain drops, to reveal a feeble old man that be best described as "not famous in the least" playing the organ.

4. Cut to some 30 something blond coug. She is singing. Something.Poorly.

5. It would appear the are playing and singing a song about introducing hockey players? Maybe?

6. A lot of jumpy starts and stops that may or may not be covers of songs you might hear a a dj play at a minor league hockey game.

7. Or maybe a soccer game.

8. Or in the Italian part of town.

9. It suddenly ends to a wave of silence.

10. They introduce the players in not English.

11. I flip to my PVR'd episode of Little People, Big World. I fucking love those little guys. "She can't reach those pedals, she's a midget!"


Lidstrom and Datsyuk hate French Canadians, Crosby Lazy.

Nicklas Lidstrom and Pavel Datsyuk of the Detroit Red Wings have gone AWAAOFC (Absent With Acute Abbhorence Of French Canadians)from the All Star festivities this weekend in Montreal (pronounced "MOH-RAY-AL", or just "POO-TEEN"). They will each be forced to miss a game due to their unexcused abscence, even though Datsyuk left the last game he played with an injury. Reports on Lidstrom are simply that he is old and the vodka in Poutine is watered down.

Sidney "The Skid" Crosby is in attendance, but will not play. This marks the second consecutive year that the NHL's darling ambassador of male lipstick will not be participating, opting instead to don grey sweatpants and let his junk flop around. It should be poninted out that Crosby played over 45mins combined his last two games, and is neither old nor, apparently, injured.

When asked about the suspensions, Crosby did decide to play toss his two cents in, saying "I don't see any problems with this as long as the players know the situation," Crosby said on Friday. "That [decision by Lidstrom and Datsyuk] is their doing."

"It is up to the players to get behind this [game], to get on board."

Thanks Sid. Maybe after you've played in 10 All-star games you can pass judgement on Lidstrom. Until then, get your ass back to MAC and pick up some more Velvet Cherry. It brings out your douche.


All-Star Game (Porn Edition).

Ok, so you remember at last year's All-Star game in Hotlanta, (I know, I hate that shit too, but I am trying to up the "Urban" readership), during the skills competition, they had that celebrity judged trick shot competition thing? You don't? Oh.

Well, they did do that thing, and it was the shittiest thing that ever happened in the history of mankind. Why? Well, I'm glad you asked. You see, the moves by the likes of Ovechkin and company where amazing, but none of them could score. You see apparently, the goalies didn't exactly warm up to the idea of being the bitchs of the situation. So really, all you had was some sweet stick handling, and a mediocre save. RATINGS GOLD.

I am basically on this rant because today the announced they are going to fix last years "situation", by grabbing some local amateur goalies, and shoving their fat asses in net for the whole thing. Wow, really? Isn't that kind of like getting some super hot porn star, gussing her up to the tits, and then bringing some fat fuck in there to plow her? Wait. That is exactly what happens in porn isn't it? Hmmm. Maybe this won't be so bad after all. As long as they don't make Getzlaf do any DP, this could be the best All-Star Game ever!

Second thought, Getzlaf getting it from both ends might just be that little something that finally makes America open their eyes to this "Hockey" we've been pedaling all this time. And side note, the biggest celebrity judge last year was some guy named Taylor Kitsch, who may or may not be a mailman. Fuck, let's just bite the bullet and get Elisha out on the ice. At least you know the players will have a little fun with her after right? That bitch has seen more NHL rubber than Gary Cheevers face. Zing!

Shanahan > Sundin

Shanny scores in his first game back?
How long did it take Sundin?

Like a fucking month after he signed?

Didn't Sundin have like a 10 practice conditioning stint?
Shanny justs waltzes onto the ice, almost 40, and is in midseason form?
I wonder if he is getting paid 10 mil a season?
Probably fucking not.



Minor League Hockey blows my fucking mind.

Just when you think that AA Baseball had the market cornered on crazy publicity bullshit, here comes the ECHL. It seems that The Las Vegas Wranglers, and the Bakersfield Condors are going to pay tribute to the great Governor Rod Blagojevich, by donning some special uni's for their upcoming match. That's right, they are going to dress up like convicts. Amazing.

The best part of this whole thing is that the refs are getting involved as well by dressing like cops that night. Unreal. Who needs integrity when you have 800 fans in attendance?


John Tavares and his broken arm. Courtesy of Dunce Cherry

So John Tavares arm is actually fractured.

Oh the glory. The glory of Dunce getting his little man's arm snapped. Not only did Dunce's team lose 6-1 to team Orr in the CHL prospects game, but he got the arm snapped of the Leaf's prospective saviour. This is fucking sweet my friends!

I wonder if the collison also exploded all of Tavares' zits at once, causing a horror scene for the front row fans?

Side note: Facts are stupid, and do not play a part in this post. I may also miss my Dunce post again this week, unless Mr. Towers can let me use his shitty as MAC to post tomorrow afternoon @ our GM meeting.


The top 10 Most over rated NHL players.

Roberto Luongo
You are often called the greatest goaltender in the world, but you have yet to accomplish a fucking thing (unless looking like a greasy turtle is an accomplishment).

Martin Havlat
What? You managed to play a whole week without injuring yourself? Holy Fuck! Someone plan the parade route!

Eric Staal
8.25 Million? For what? Ray Whitney is outscoring you and he has been legally dead for 5 years now. Also, your eyebrows are the same color as your skin and freaking everybody out.

Jordan Staal
"But my name is Staal also. Me good too?" (said in retard voice).

Alex Kovalev
You have only broken the point-per-game mark twice in 17 years. Fucking Twice! Why do people think you're good? What are you a hypnotist?

Olli Jokinen
A decade of hockey, ZERO playoffs. Wow. Even i could do that. Can I have some money?

John Tavares
With all this hype. if you don't win the Stanley Cup by the All-Star break next year, you are a fucking disappointment, and should kill yourself. (And yes, I do realize that he isn't in the NHL yet, but if he was REALLY that good, he would have found a way to be 18 by now.) Also, someone needs to introduce that kid to some Pro-Active.

Rick Nash
6 Foot 4, 218 Pound Pussy.

Jay Boumeester
Career high of 46 points, and that was 4 years ago. Thanks for that. Also, your name is stupid.

Mike Komisarek
I don't care if you can body check a bear into next week, 10 points a season is ECHL territory. Also, I'm changing yours and Boumeesters names to John Johnson for while. It just makes things so much easier around here.


One-nutters may win the Tour De France, but they don't win NHL All-star Ballots.

Phil Kessel was not invited to the All-Star game?

At least he was invited to the Hard Rock Cafe Guitar Hero All-star game.


All Apologies

Nirvana fucking blows and Kurt is dead. And he sucked alive almost as bad as he sucks garnering maggots.

Two weird things happened today... I got home and I had an MSN convo box from a gentleman I went to high school with asking "What the hell? Where's you hockey dump post?" Weird. I had no idea anyone read this other than me. It's always kind of been like the quiet moment when you wipe your asshole and then fold the tissue with me and this blog. I just knew Williams has been watching me wipe my corn. Anyhow, then I went to make an apologetic post and had also been called out by Mr. Williams for the same thing. Weird. WEIRD WEIRD MIKE WEIR.

A list of excuses, all true, are as follows:

1) Beer

2) Hard Booze

3) Hard Drugs

However, due to powers similar to The Mentalist (which happens to be one of my favorite shows, WHO KNEW!), I can tell you exactly what happend on Cunt's Corner tonight!

Dunce hates the french, Dunce hates the way the penguins are playing hockey, Dunce loves gold medals around 18 year old boys he would never pine for, Dunce loves Irish GMs, Dunce loves Irish Quinn even more than Irish Burke!!!... Double Ontario Irish LETS DO THIS!, Spec7ral got a fucking raging hard one when Dunce mentioned the war (even though I was watching football).

Side note: Avalanche of regret? Are you fucking serious? I'm trying to drink liquids over here!


Where you at?

When is the last time you ate Corn Nuts? I bought some today, and I just ate the whole bag. It's like eating salty rocks, and it makes your burps smell like an avalanche of regret. Brutal.

So why am I regaling you all with my exciting aventures of a rainy Saturday afternoon? I have no idea. I am just waiting to read the Slowest 3 Minutes in Hockey like the rest of you. Where is Spec7ral? He's usually half cut by now, and ready to bend Grapes over in a show of self devotion. I can't really go on watching this game without it. It's like a homeless person without his garbage. It just doesn't make any hay.

So in conclusion, Spec7ral, where the fuck are you?


-(Billy) D. Williams


Just who the fuck does this Steve Mason character think he is?

Okay, it seems every year there is a new hot-shit, outta nowhere goalie that everyone gets a piping-hot hard-on for. It's usually in Nashville, and they usually end up jettisonning their former starter only to find out that shit-hot turns shrivelly-dink cold pretty fast sometimes.

I read that this kid had a three game shutout string which is pretty neat, but then again that Boucher douche had 5 a few years back, as Mr. Williams pointed out in a previous post.

Let's look @ what Steven's career numbers looked like prior to this year:

116 games in the OHL. Sittin' around just above 2.5 GAA. Save percentage just under .920 and a pretty decent win percentage (he did play for the London Knights though)

Looks like he won a world junior gold too, good for him.

But seriously,


In all honesty, props to this kid. He looks like he hasn't even hit puberty and he's stoning the Capitals @ home. What a slut.


Jarkko Ruutu is gay for HockeyDump, or vice versa.

So Donny Jarkko has won over the hearts of HockeyDump in two completely separate and glorious ways. One, he had the quick wit and street smarts to take advantage of the opportunity to bite an opposing player (which 99% of the rest of the league is too pussy to even attempt). He is like some sort of Ice Cheetah, or perhaps a rare form of Snapping Turtle, which makes me cry my own tears. And two, He looks good doing it. I don't mean that in a gay way, unless of course, finding one man bite another man sexually attractive is gay. It is? Oh, well then....my mistake.

What if Jarkko and Tuomo were to bite each other? Topless. What if????


Semin all over his face.

You can't blame Semin for his actions because he honestly felt that Marc was a threat to his babies. He's just lucky it's not mating season, or he would have been mounted and tamed in front of all the other Rangers, so Alex could establish his dominance over the rest of the males. What would the other 47 Staal brothers think?

Fuck the Habs.

Dear Montreal,

Thank you so much for ruining the All-Star voting for the rest of us. I'm sure nobody wanted to see Ovechkin, Malkin and Crosby start the game on the same line. Bra-fucking-vo.


The rest of the world

PS - And props on getting Mike Komisarek on the starting roster. I was afraid his 2 points this season wasn't even enough to get him on the team, but now I don't have to worry about watching someone who actually deserves to be there. Cheers again.

The slowest three minutes in hockey LIVE BLOG VERSION!

Well it's that special time kids. Cozy up by the fire. Especially if you live in Vancouver, since we are now two weeks into our best impression of a Quebec winter.

When the irishman takes over the barn will be full of respect. The barn being Toronto's shitty NHL ice rink and the irishman being this drunk.

Oh wait, that's not Brian Burke, that's a drawing of George Parros. Oops.

Mike Keenan is a great head coach because he stuck with Todd Bertuzzi. Like he fucking has anyone else on that team to use?

God I love crocodile tears almost as much as the term itself.

I had to explain my need to watch Dunce to a friend so we could turn off the WJC. Not that he asked for an explanation, just cause I felt like a fruitcake requesting to see this guy. At that point my friend told me about some "beer league dude that got in a fight and smashed his head on the ground. Then he went into a coma and passed away" After I had made fun of him for about 5 minutes for using the term "passed away" for someone other than his grandmother, it turned out my good friend was clairvoyant. It's a good thing Stef was around to explain to me what had happened, because all Dunce and Ronald did was flash his picture on the screen and mention he succumbed to his head trauma. Had I not had the inside scoop I would have assumed he was another dead soldier.

I bring all this up because the dead head-trauma-passed-away-motherfucker was pertinent to hockey. He died in a hockey fight. Dead soldiers do not pertain to hockey (and don't you fucking dare bring up some shit about fighting for freedom and without freedon there would be no hockey. That is some fucking hippie douche nozzle shit that I will light you on fire for). However, Duncey and Ronnie swept a death from fighting under the rug and decided to play dead-soldier-facebook instead, throwing up pictures of some fat dead guy's wedding and some salad tossing at a local legion. He also faked crying (rock the croc Dunce!) during the cut-out to the pictures.

Side note: Is Coach's Corner always sponsored by Moore's? Does that mean they hasve to make Don's suits?


Winter Classic Live Blog!

Actually, there will be no Live Blog here. Why, you ask? Well, I basically felt the need to at least pretend we gave a shit, since every other Hockey Blog on the fucking planet is "Live Blogging" this event. The thing with Live Blogging is, it's fucking stupid. You see, I don't need a live blog on something that is ON FUCKING TELEVISION LIVE. I'm not a special needs child. I can watch what is on my TV and make up my own fucking mind on what is going on without some compu-douche updating me on what he thinks on the vintage sweaters or ice conditions every 2 minutes. "Bobby Hull's earmuffs are weird",..."Nice goal, I like goals,",...."I'm wacking my bag to the sound of my own keyboard clicks". And the worst Live Bloggers for the Winter Classic, are the fucktards that made the trip to do it in person. Way to ruin what could be an amazing experience, bring your computer. What a bunch of cocksmells. And yes, cocksmell is one word. I looked it up.