Shanahan > Sundin

Shanny scores in his first game back?
How long did it take Sundin?


Like a fucking month after he signed?

Didn't Sundin have like a 10 practice conditioning stint?
Shanny justs waltzes onto the ice, almost 40, and is in midseason form?
I wonder if he is getting paid 10 mil a season?
Probably fucking not.

It's finally over.

Let the excuses begin.

"I need to hear truths I haven't heard before" - Dwayne Hoover, Breakfast of Champions

Sundin is a useless piece of cunt meat. That little flap that, although you never see it, causes that slight chaffe on your cock in between your circumcized toque and your god given man mast (un-cut men should not read this column).

Seriously... fuck fantasy/pool hockey gambling. Who the fuck does this dipshit think he is?

Oh hey, I can go home to mom and eat some swedish meatballs for 6 fucking months. Then I can go for a fucking lollygag and do some poker advertising. And then I can sit around and stick my own cock so far up my own fucking asshole that I finally bust the first load of my entire useless life. Cause that's all my point-per-game carrer has been...uselesss. Toronto still sucks. I still blow. And no matter what side of the weather vane I fall upon, no team that gets me will win, because I will be a distraction.

Way to go you big ugly smiley faced albino Ronald McDonald wannabe. Just buy a fucking pistol and end the mystery already.

DEAR MATS SUNDIN: KILL YOURSELF.

Signed,

Everyone you thought gave a shit.

Side note: LOL! if you google image search "dead sundin" this blog is the first hit. WILLIAMS IS GOD!!!!

Lang in there.

With Robert Lang headed to Montreal this afternoon, it has to beg the question, are the Habs still in on the Sundin sweeps? With Lang set to make $4m this year, that only leaves just over a million for Mats. So hopefully this is the first step in a trend that sees teams moving on with their lives and leaving Sundin to rot. God willing.

PS - Aren't the Canadiens one of the last teams that needed to add more offense?

More Sundin bullshit crowding your internet.

What colour is the sun in Oren & Len's world?

Do they really think that there is a slim chance in hell that Sundin is going to play for the Bolts next season? Why would he? Is it a dream of his to suit up for the worst team in hockey? Was it always a career ambition to play with Radim Vrbata? Or maybe he could just never turn down the opportunity to be the only Swede on a team with no GM, or Defence, or fans, or clear direction. Yes, that must be it.

PS - This goes for you as well Vancouver. Just replace Radim Vrabata with Darcy Hordichuck, and the rest of that crap with, umm, I don't know, let's say because you are boring.

Knee deep in celebs.

So with all the hockey blogs losing their respective shit over the fact Mats Sundin is going to be playing in this big Celebrity Charity Hockey Game in Toronto, I thought I would do some investigating of my own on the game itself. It turns out that you don't legally have to have actual celebrities to call it a celebrity game. You see, the list of Hollywood heavy hitters committed to the event include:

Alan Thicke (Growing Pains)

DB Sweeney (The Cutting Edge)

Cameron Bancroft (I have no idea)

Jason Reitman (Directed Juno, and those NHL commercials)

Tim Robbins ( A bunch of shit)

So basically, the game that is packed with NHL stars had just enough cache to bring in a B-Lister, a C-Lister, 2 D-Listers, and some dude that may or may not mow my lawn. Where are the old stand-bys? Where is Jason Priestly, Matthew Perry, and Dennis Leary? Those are 2 solid C-listers and a D lister right there. And what about throwing a pair of skates on Elisha Cuthbert, or one of the other hockey skanks? Don't they count? All I'm saying is that if you can't bring in any real celebrities, then don't bother calling it a celebrity game. You might as well call it the "Direct to DVD Super Challenge!"

Who is this Mats Sundin you speak of?

The Top 10 Things I would like to hear at the rumored Mats Sundin Toronto Press Conference.

10. I am here to announce my immediate retirement from hockey.

9. I have signed a contract with the Florida Panthers.

8. I have a cure for cancer.

7. I'm gay.

6. ...and Toronto can kiss my ass.

5. I'm looking for a long term deal.

4. It burns when I pee.

3. I decided 4 months ago. What, J.P. didn't give you the message?

2. Eklund was right.

1. I'm sorry.

1 month until hockey starts.

That's right, in 1 months time the Sens and the Rangers will face of in pre-season play. This will of course put an end to what has to be the most anti-climactic off-season ever. Whether it's the shit UFA crop, or the Sundin Bullshit, or the insane amount of trade rumors that seem to almost be completely made up (I'm looking at you HockeyBuzz), this has got to be the worst off-season ever. When a player that came in 67th in scoring last season leaves the NHL to go back home and play, is considered headline news, you know something is wrong.

I think they should make the Juniors play over the summer just so we never have an off-season. 365 hockey? I'm in.

The Daily Mats Sundin Report

The BC Transit Buzzer reports that Mats was seen with Hollywood heavyweight Wilmer Valderama at a taping of the MTV show "Yo'Mama" last night in Dayton Ohio. It is said that he was asked to appear on the show after a unit producer saw him tell a waiter that his mother was so obese that the international oil giant, Exxon, was purchasing oil from her. It is not yet clear as to whether the allegations are false or not. Nobody from the Sundin camp could be reached for comment.

Note: The pic above has nothing to do with Mats, I just thought that something about this post should be funny.

A mid summers night rant Part 2

I was thinking about all of the stupid non-stories that have dominated the hockey world this summer, and I thought I would make a list of the Top 5. I figured it would obviously include the whole "Where will Sundin end up" thing, and the "Where will Burkey be next year" fiasco. But also the slightly smaller stories like "Was Finger given Kurt Sauer's money" thing or the "Will McCabe waive his no trade" storyline. Thats when it hit me. I don't know why it didn't before, but every fucking story revolves around the Toronto Maple Leafs for some reason.

I don't know why I'm surprised, because it's been this way for ever. Whether it be the complete domination of HNIC, or the top story on TSN every night, Toronto dominates the hockey talk. And for years it didn't really bother me because they were a top market that iced a competitive team. But now, they are a lonely turd, and even their fans are sick of them. So why must we still be bombarded with this inane bullshit?

This is basically just a continuation of the rant from last night, but sometimes I dream of waking up in an American city where Toronto doesn't exist. Imagine a place where Cliff Fletcher was just a confused senior citizen and not a constant target for quotes, or a TV that didn't have constant Blue Jay games, or Raptors coverage. I dream of living in Chicago where the pizza is deep. Or New York where they sell hot dogs on every corner.

Maybe I'm just hungry...

Fuck, I did it again.....anyways,....fuck Toronto.

The End

The Daily Mats Sundin Report

The Detroit News Free Press has reported that Mats was seen with City native and MTV whore, Xzibit over the weekend. The two were said to be filming a pilot for a new reality show that sees the rapper take professional hockey players and teach them how to upgrade their vehicles to look more urban. It is widely considered to be the worst idea in the world. Nobody from the Sundin camp could be reached for comment.

Wayne Gretzky was a good hockey player. Ta-Da.

Apparently Gretzky was traded from the Oilers to the Kings 20 years ago this weekend, and it is the biggest news story of the decade. Or at least thats what the world of hockey blogs would have you believe. Hopefully after this passes we can get back to talking about more important things like Mats Sundin. (kills self).

HockeyDump Poll: Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out edition.

The Daily Mats Sundin Report

UHF Public Cable Access Channel 178 Des Moines Reports that Mats has enlisted for immediate service in the United States Army. It is rumoured that he will be on the front lines of the Gaza Strip by weeks end, and likely will never be heard from again. Nobody from the Sundin camp cared enough to comment.

The Daily Mats Sundin Report

100.3FM KCCN Radio in Honolulu, has reported that Mats will undergo a spiritual journey that will take him on a solo hike to the top of Manua Loa, the largest Volcano in Hawaii. The journey will begin at the stroke of dawn, and end (if successful), with a self sacrifice, as he is to jump into the firey pit. Good luck Mats. Nobody from the Sundin camp copuld be reached for comment.

The Daily Mats Sundin Report

The Hollywood Reporter has reported that Mats has signed on to play the title character in the upcoming Oliver Stone Biopic "La Guardia". The epic 4 hour motion picture will follow the notorious NYC Mayor in his dealings in WWII. It is said to co-star Katherine Keener as his wife Irene Luzzato, and fellow NHL allum, Vicent Riendeau as Winston Churchill. Nobody from the Sundin camp could be reached for comment.

The Daily Mats Sundin Report

The Goteborgs-Posten reported this morning that Mats is sitting at home on his couch, drinking coffee and reading a book. Nobody from the Sundin camp could be reached for comment.

The Daily Mats Sundin Report

Fox News reported moments ago that Mats is planning on throwing his hat into the race for President of the United States of America. It is believed that Mats would run as the candidate for the once defunct Canadian Social Credit Party. It is not known as to whether or not Mats is aware that he is not even eligible for the position, but either way he has allegedly named former Bruin Ken Hodge Jr. as his running mate. Nobody from the Sundin camp could be reached for comment.

The Daily Mats Sundin Report

Owl magazine has reported that Mats was seen galavanting around Venice Beach last night with Joan of Arcadia star, Amber Tamblyn. The two were said to be shopping for hand crafted pipes made by local artisans, and anything that would "alter their perception of reality, man". Nobody from the Sundin camp could be reached for comment.

Scotty Bowman clearly remembers WWII.

Hall of Fame coach, and nine time Stanley Cup Campion Scotty Bowman left the comforts of Detroit to take postion of Senior Advisor of Hockey Operations for the Chicago Blackhawks this morning. I guess the big question is, why? Is it because he sees no room for advancement in HockeyTown? Is it because he feels he could use a new challenge in his life? Or maybe it's just to be closer to his son, who is the Assistant GM of the Hawks. These are all very plausible reasons, but I believe it's something much simpler. I think Grampa Scotty may have been bitten by the senility bug.

You see, this happens to 75 year old men from time to time. They just wake up one day and go wondering, and sometimes find themselves in another city. It's Ken Hollans fault for not putting one of those identity bracelets on his wrist. He probably wondered into the local Piggly Wigglys with his pants off, and the police just took him to the nearest hockey franchise in hopes someone knew who he was. But it's not all pant shitting for Bowman, he has many qualities he can bring to the Chicago table. He could be in charge of eating dinner at 4pm, or driving 60 kms on the highway. And if someone in the office needs some toffee, or one of those pill holders, with the different days of the week on them, he will be the first one on the case. Yes sir, Scotty Bowman is a fine and logical addition to the youth movement of the BlackHawks. It's just weird how Detroit didn't seem to put up much of a fight.

Note: The hockey card above is older than Mats Sundin. Bowman is 50 in it....FUCKING 50!