My name is Sean Avery and I have two lists of people. NHL goalies I have smacked in the head is one of them! Simeon Varalamov is the lastest to join my elite club. Hopefully we make it two the second round, so that Tim Thomas can make a repeat performance.
Glad to be back from a brief tour of the southern gulf islands. Sad to say I didn't see much of any hockey, but I've got a 6 pack, a stomach full of over-priced margaritas and coronas, a smoldering quarrel (fueled by said mexi-bevs) with the GF and some internet archives to delve into...so...
LET'S ROCK AND ROLL!
Coach's room, crica April 4th.
Don starts off with some patriotic BS about the battle of Vimy and how the Canadian troops showed up and won it in a day, after the English and French had lost 100,000 troops previous to their arrival. Sounds like Cherry-picking to me, but hey, I am all about the puns.
One of the things that sucks about relaxing without technology and sports highlights, is that I see this over a week later:
Oh man. That is fucking brilliant. How is he a bad actor? That was some serious Broadway magic if you ask me.
So Don rips into Avery, and goes off about dalmatians not being able to change their spots. Good. Avery is a brainiac. Did he even get a suspension? Not that I can see. The NHL has a secret boner for this shit. I have a full blown throbbing one.
Not a lot more to report from this segment, other than this pic that they splashed up:
That's first lady Obama getting her junk crunked by the Queen. That's fucking moist!
Coach's Room circa April 11th:
Don starts off by lambasting some company that used "Ron and Don" to sell something. He didn't want "any of his guys" to think he would lend his name to something like that.
He would sooner lend his name to the tires they are riding on.
Dawn then touches on the fact the St. Louis Blues have sold out 27 times this season, mentioning in passing the free-food promos that Towers had brought to our attention earlier this year. He then commends John Davidson on this shrewd tactic. It's good to see that the Blue's version of food stamps garner his approval. Okay, so here is when I lose my (paid-for) lunch. Don rattles off for a couple of minutes about how Ron Wilson is an idiot (by using sarcastic "Genius" quips). If Wilson actually said, as Don quotes, that bringing in talent would be "like putting jewelery on an ugly person", he IS a fucking genius because that is the most thought out quote I have heard in hockey in years (sloppy seconds doesn't count, even if Avery thought about his quote for longer than Wilson did). Why would he say that? Due to the fact, they will most likely still suck balls next year. Here is their pipeline of talent: Tlusty. That's it. The rest of their AHL squad is chock full of 4th liners. Maybe Wilson is actually being shrewd by tempering expectations, which would help to (but not by much if anything) temper expectations from the Toronto faithful.
Not alot of photo-ops round these parts, so here is an example of what "Toronto faithful" deserve (I felt like contradicting myself a bit to make Dunce feel better about himself).
Ron McLean actually goes a bit ballsy, and asks Duncey what the axe he is grinding with Wilson is about, is it the loss to the Americans in the '96 World Cup? Don then goes anti-American as only he can, and promises to never speak of Ron Wilson ever again. Anyone want to take that bet? I am willing to put some money out there that he uses his name by mid-May. And for him to even talk about the Leafs this late in the season is fucking mind-blowingly comical as-is.
Right after he essentially calls for Ron Wilson to be fired, he is asked if MacTavish should be fired. He responds with "I will never, ever call for a coach to be fired...". Are you even fucking serious? Did I not just listen to him calling for Wilson's head for about 60 seconds? I am going to fucking lose my mind. The talent level on the Oilers is not even closely comparable to that of the Leafs, but he gets emo on it and gives MacTavish some love. This guy is pretty fucking close to certifiable at this point. SIDE NOTE: THE FOLLOWING MAY MAKE YOU PISS YOUR PANTS OR SPIT BEER ALL OVER YOUR MONITOR, I DID BOTH!
Jesus Christ, that is on par with the Havlat healer and it's 4 minutes long...
Then Don goes on to celebrate the fact that Cindy Crosby fought with a visor on, the same thing he has berated all other players who do so throughout the year. His explanation? "Well the other guy has a visor on too". Fucking amazing.
Thanks Dunce. It's been a good year. I will try to keep up with you in the post-season, but it will be tough. Side note: 50 bonus points to whoever can find MacTavish's mugshot from when he killed the person drunk driving. I need a new T-Shirt.
Y'all ever came home to the idea of watching the monday nighter and realized that crackheads stole you TV and PS3? No? Well it sucks. Take my word for it.
Then watch whatever shitty game you are granted and never speak with me again.
When asked about the Sean Avery remarks and suspension, Murray responded by pointing out Plaxico Buress' recent suspension from the NFL for (alledgedly) shooting himself in the leg. It's good to know this old fuck thinks that making disparraging remarks to reporters about a hole you used to discharge your wad into, is akin to discharging your gat into your leg in public. What a schmeg of cockrot.
In other non-hockey-related news, OJ cried like his dead wife's family as he pleaded not to go to jail. It's funny, he used to play football with Dick Butkus, and now... well, you know...
"I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about. Enjoy the game tonight."
By now you have all heard what Sean said, and have probably already made up your mind on what side of the fence you fall, so I'm not going to to preach to you one way or another, I'm just going to say that there are a lot of whiney bitches out there in the blogosphere, and most to all of you need to have your diapers changed.
Fuck you,
-Davey
PS - Avery is one of only a small handfull of hockey players that aren't boring as shit.
PPS - Bettman can't market hockey.
PPPS - Sean Avery didn't say anything that isn't 100% true.
“It was idiotic and stupid,” Modano told the Dallas Morning News. “It was one of the most embarrassing things I’ve seen. If that’s what we’re going for, then they need to find me an office job.”
These were Modano's comments in response to a loss against the Bruins, in which the following transpired:
Some things I took from this video:
a)Steve Ott is sub-human. b)Announcers who don't know much of anything can make up for it with references to Sean Avery being ripped limb from limb, especially if you infer that it would be weird not to want to see that happen. c)Matty Niskanen is a pretty little boy. d)Why is a pretty little boy fighting? e)These teams should play more often. f)I need an "I hate Peyton Manning" T-shirt. g)It's been too long since I saw the Churla hit:
The various news sources where I read about Modano's comments , made it sound like they were directed solely @ Avery. I would guess Avery factors in, but Ott seems like the big fucking pussy here. I suppose when you put more than one guy on a team that won't back his shit up, old man Modano gets pissed off.
And thus it seems Hull managed to get his team an identity, something to the effect of the whiny yellow-belly shitdisturbers.
Side note: It pains me that Don Cherry worked his way into this post. I suppose vermin always turn up where you don't want them.
More video madness popped up in the blogesphere the other day in the form of an interview with Sean Avery and some girl from some show I have never heard of.
I think the best part of this interview is that Sean is absolutely right. Bettman can't market the game worth shit. What's more exciting, Sean Avery or Marty Turco? Turco is a really nice guy, but he doesn't exactly sell the game. Also, I LOVE how Sean managed to hit on the host and slam Marty Broadeur at the same time. Amazing.
HockeyBuzz: Warrener to Tampa Bay & Berard to Tampa, Ottawa. St.Louis, Pittsburgh and Buffalo.. (And come on, thats not a rumour, thats just looking at the best D-Man available and then listing a bunch of teams that need a D-man.)
And the completely made up HockeyDump trade rumour of the day will be: Warrener to join Army & Berard to LA, Minnesota, Toronto, Florida, and Narnia.
Wow. Great interview. It's nice to see a hockey player actually speak his mind. If Sean keeps this up I will be wearing a Stars #16 jersey by Christmas.
1. I'm not sure when it's coming, but eventually someone is going to critically injure Sean Avery. Ben Eager almost decapitated his head last night, and if he would have succeeded the league would have nobody to blame but themselves. That being said, I like Avery, and find his antics hilarious. But if I was on the ice with him, there would definitely be a court case that followed.
So if you like shitty Morning News Team puff interviews with hung-over hockey players, than you are going to love THIS CLIP of Sean Avery on The Dallas Fort Worth Fox Channel 4 Morning Show, brought to you but Minute Maid, Goodness you can taste.
I think Sean Avery in Texas is a smoooth idea. I give him until Christmas before he ends up calling President Bush a homo, or says he dosen't eat beef or something, and the whole state goes ape shit. If there is one thing I know about Texans, it's that they are super tolerant of cocky fashionistas from LA and New York.
The real question is, who will last longer without incident? Avery in Dallas, or Favre in New York?
Side Note: I also like how the nest story up on the Fox News grid was "The Secrets Dentists don’t want you to know about Teeth Whitening!" Fear sells news.
I'm not sure why everybody hates Sean, but I assume it has something to do with the fact that he verbally assaults, the Player's Union, French people, black people, people with cancer, Canadians, or has an NHL rule named after him.
Or maybe it's because he spends his time whoring it up with Hollywood skanks, and running around town in short shorts.
Either way, he is the greatest thing that ever happened to hockey bloggers.
Praise be to Avery.
Note: If you actually care about what Brendan has to say about his new teammate, check it here.
I don't want to go into too much depth on this because I'm sure I'll be writing essentially the same post every week for the next foreseeable future, but NHL Herpes Generator, Sean Avery, has decided rub up against Calvin Kleins ex-wife Kelly Klein (who is like 70 years old).
Apparently Sean buys into the Quantity, not Quality motto when it comes to the ladies. I for one would rather stick my dick in a rattlesnake than anyone over 50. It just seems so,...you know...ewwww.
Also, Sean is pimping suits with shorts instead of pants. What the fuck is wrong with that guy? Someone needs to lock him in a room with Nolan Ryan for a few hours. I figure we would open the door and either find a fine young man with a good work ethic and a nice haircut, or a bloody sack and a note on it with directions to the dump.
This is a few weeks old, but some how it flew under my radar. It seems that the Dallas Star, Sean Avery told Susan Kirschbaum, (some fashion bitch), that he was going to "Go home and Jerk off to her". This came after she inquired as to wether or not he was sure he wasn't gay. Avery also apparently added "that's a big compliment," and later texted her saying that "the session is going well."
Sean Avery is a question wrapped in am enigma, dipped in a riddle, and sprinkled with date rape. Is there a camera this guy doesn't want to fuck?
