I guess the diabolical jew got me to do his bidding, partially, but I couldn't find him any video ad of Wayner... that last pic makes up for it though.
Anyone else remember that Mr.Big commercial from the 80's with Wayne Gretzky? I tried effortlessly to find it on you YouTube, for at least 10 seconds, and it didn't pop up. All I really remember from it was Wayne in all white, jumping up into a freeze frame while the Mr.Big singers rejoiced that "Mr.Big just can't be beat". Is this true? Can Mr.Big not be beat? Was Gretzky supposed to be Mr.Big in this scenario? Because, I gotta tell ya, Wayne may not have been the best spokesperson for a candybar that boasts it's appeal in mass. Maybe someone like Rogatien Vachon would have been a better choice. That guy probably swallowed those things whole, like a bird, in between periods.
Okay, jizzmoppers, here we go. The shit I learned from Dongy-Dong-Dongle Chezwick tonight on Coach's Corner, is as follows:
It's a good thing that hockey is played in slow motion. Cause that's how Dongle likes it. That's why anytime a player goes into the boards with an opposing player's stick in the general vicinity of their feet, it's obvious that there was malicious intent (although if you're Justin Williams you're still a "good kid" and you don't get the full Chezzy berating). I wish sex was in slow motion the other night, maybe then I could have stopped my dick from jackhammering, mid-thrust, into my girlfriend's chode.
Ron McClean isn't supposed to ask Dongle questions about Sid the Skid unless he has consulted him before hand. Maybe they should take the 10 second muzzle off and Ron and Dongle can just tape it in bed together when they wake up.
Skidmark Crosby is in a funk because he signs hockey sticks for people. I guess if all the NHL Superstars go back to the old school way of fucking hookers, doing blow and whatnot before games, shit would be good.
Without Geezer Roberts and Ryan Malone (he's having a great year without Crosby) the Pens are not the same team. I think he meant that in a negative way...?
Don Cherry laughed when they put a black man on screen for the juniors. Seriously. There was nothing funny he was interjecting, they just splashed a clip of the kid (PK Subban) and he started chuckling. Holy Shit. Are my taxes still paying this guy?
Take fighting tips from Wayne Gretzky. Ok, I admit it's BS to have a visor on during a fight and Wayne should have been mad. But who takes fighting tips from Little Miss Muffet? While on the subject, notice how he abslutely layed into Artyukhin for it, but the fact Clutterbuck did it was forgivable? Russinas give us Vodka Dongle. You should be sucking his 80 proof cacksnaggle.
Collapse is an intellectual's word. Really? Because coach Dongle used to call it "coming in" anyone who uses the correct term (collapsing in the defensive zone) is an intellectual? This is actually the best point he's ever made, as most crackheads have more brains in the tip of their coke nail than Dongle has in his entire pruny body.
Dead soldiers are "beautiful boys". We were treated to another war glorification, in which Dongle also managed to put his latent homosexuality front and center with his comment.
This was probably a little over the top, but I had to make up for lack of posts lately. Banzai!
Side Note: I still don't have photoshop, I'm using Paint.net, which, although free, is a poor substitute. Can we start a donation to buy me phtoshop or what?
Ok now. First I would like to say that I hope some of you had a nice Christmas or whatever it is your fancy religion celebrates this time of year.
Second-of-ly, I would like to say that the pic above is wonderous for at least three reasons.
Reason 1: I am a big supporter of shitty photoshopping. It really is the fuel of the intenet. Without it we would not know what cats are really thinking, or what that girl on the TV would look like with really big jugs. (Note: HockeyDumper Spec7ral is a great contributor to Bad Photoshopping on the Internet, and this is a public request for him to donate his talents to this blog a little more often.)
Reason 2: It's not at all funny, which in turn makes it amazingly funny. Nobody cares about the Coyotes, and there was no demand for a photograph based pun of their plight. This photo is kind of like Telemundo. It's amazing because I'm a racist.
Reason 3: Why is Tyra Banks still there? Seriously, it adds such a beautiful and odd undertone to the whole thing. It makes me want to punch myself in the dick. But in a good way.
Bonus reason: Wayne as a girl makes me gay.
Now go ahead and do your friends a favor and forward this pic to all your friends. They will thank you for it in the end.
I was walking through my local big box TV/Stereo/Wii/Ipod/HD Cable warehouse the other day, and I noticed a new Sidney Crosby DVD for sale. Nothing really post worthy about that, right? Well, kinda. You see the DVD was Called "Sidney Crosby: On the ice and beyond". The reason this stuck out to me is because when I was a child, there was a wonderful Gretzky VHS entitled "Wayne Gretzky: Above and Beyond". Pretty similar, no? I wondered if they had the same production quality. You see, Above & Beyond has a solid hour of interviews with Wayne, Janet, Bruce McNall, his junior coaches, etc. It was pretty much the Wayne Bible. Is it possible that they made a DVD like this for the Kid? The answer is no. How do I know this? Well, I have never seen the DVD, but Sid is only in his third year in the NHL, and has accomplished about as much as Jose Theodore. That is to say, he has a couple shiny trophies, and that's it. Wayne had to earn his Home Video. Wayne had to film countless Mr.Big,Pro Stars, and New Coke commercials just to pay the rent.
So I have lost my train of thought here, but my point is, Wayne Gretzky's Home Video "Above & Beyond" is the greatest VHS sports tape of all time. Did I mention it's narrated by the dude from NFL Films? Ya, I know. It's awesome.
PS - The first line from the film (from memory) "Like the winged messenger mercury, he floats across the ice. Some say his gifts are from God, others say he is just a man". Fuck that. I need to get my hands on a VCR.
Wayne Gretzky made a speech to the Economic Club of Canada this past week, and TSN has a good article on it. In it Wayne covers a variety of topics, and you can read the whole thing here. Or you can just get the gist of it by reading my coles notes on the subject below. Ah, the MTV generation, what can't you do?
The KHL poses a threat to the NHL
He wouldn't be surprised to see another NHL team eventually end up in Ontario.
He's not sure about is Winnipeg.
He was offered an opportunity to go to Europe after retiring from the New York Rangers in 1999.
He often wonders why they had a lockout with the salaries the way they are now.
He thinks Bettman has done a tremendous job.
He thinks it's hard to pour more funds or more money into Olympic sports or amateur sports.
He thinks we're lucky enough now in the National Hockey League to have players like Crosby and Ovechkin.
Note: The pic above has very little to do with the actual article...or does it?
You see, I like to get drunk. In fact, I like to get drunk on cheap wine. So whats the problem you ask? Well, I don't feel that my current wine of choice is saying much about me and my love of hockey. I mean, people come over to my house and see me drinking some generic merlot from the box, it's embarrassing. I could be a soccer fan for all they know.
That's where Wayne Gretzky comes in.
Wayne has solved this problem with a vengance, with his new line of wines from 99 Estates. Now everybody will know that you aren't just some asshole drunk, you are also a hockey fan. Choose from an unoaked chardonnay. Meritage, or a mouth adventuring ice-wine. All 3 are guaranteed to fuck you up. But what if your local Liquor Depot doesn't carry one of Wayne's creations? No problem, he will send it to you in the mail. I have to say, it's about damn time my childhood hero started selling me alcohol. Now if Ray Bourque would get off his ass and put his face on a pack of smokes, I would be set.
To order your first case of Wayne's booze, click here.
First, let's admit what the Winter Classic is. It's a giant publicity stunt for the NHL. It's not a way to celebrate the roots of the game, it's a way to trick Americans into watching hockey on Bowl day. That being said, is an outdoor game the best way to win over the Neilsons?
I remember back in 1991, Gretzky and the Kings took on the Blue shirts outside at Caesers Palace in Las Vegas. It was 80 something degrees, and all the fans were in shorts, and drunk, and it was awesome. Now, tell me, almost 20 years later, imagine the crazyness the City of Vegas could roll out if that was to happen again. You could close down part of the strip and do it there. Imagine Showcasing Crosby and Stamkos during a night game under the lights? That would be sick. I was there for the NBA All-Star Weekend in 2007, and you would think that it was the World Cup the way the city bent over for that game. You want attention? Las Vegas brings it.
But that not the only way to get it, what if you had a game on the ice at Rockefeller Center in NYC? Or in Central Park? Or Listel? What about having a day where every team plays each other in a non NHL market? You think that might make the Sports Center?
Basically, the outdoor games in front of 70,000 people in the dead of winter are great, but they are preaching to the choir. If you want to expose the game, then expos the game. It doesn't take a genius.
Apparently Gretzky was traded from the Oilers to the Kings 20 years ago this weekend, and it is the biggest news story of the decade. Or at least thats what the world of hockey blogs would have you believe. Hopefully after this passes we can get back to talking about more important things like Mats Sundin. (kills self).
What I really enjoy about this commercial news story is not the fact that the Wayne Gretzky doll has short shorts on, it's the tempo at which the CBC has edited the piece. It's like they were airing specifically for new immigrants trying to learn about Canadian culture. And what's with Ken? Dude, cut your hair, and get a job.
