The fucking idiots are out

Fucking great. Just fucking great. It's all of 3 months and 5 days old, and guess what I had to endure at work today?

Jersey-sightings. Pre-season talk. The jaw-dropping elan of Chanook fans prancing around my fucking city as if it was the beginning of a Cup-defense season.

Hey... MORONS: YOU FUCKING LOST THE STANLEY CUP FINALS IN ONE OF THE MOST EPIC, DYNAMIC, UNHEARD-OF IMPLOSIONS SINCE EINSTEIN SPLIT THE FUCKING ATOM!

Truth be told I don't think splitting an atom is a true implosion, but I don't fucking care. Facts impeding my analogies are the least of my problems with these fucking yahoos back on the loose.

Chanook fans should all suffer the ravaging pain of nuclear aftermath. Only the Buffalo Bills losing 3 Superbowls in a row could trump this. The Canucks absolutely shit their pants. Destroyed their fucking Cooperalls harder than a geriatric shotgunning a 4L of Prune Juice after a bean buffet at Foody Goody. I believe their delusion now not only surpasses that of the average Leaf fan, it exponentially obliterates it.

NFL is my drug of choice (other than whatever liquid with a 4% or higher alcohol volume I can get my hands on). I have to wait 7 FUCKING MONTHS between games of meaning. These fucking Chanuckle-heads got to watch their rancid excuse for a hockey club for one month MORE THAN MY WAIT BETWEEN GAMES.

But not this year. This year I learn the black magic. I learn the voodoo. I put a hex on the fucking Seedinks and that greasy muppet they call Robby BLue. I hope that they finish tied for 8th with the fucking Blackhawks and get edged out by the Hawks goal celebration song and a Toews hit on some Canucks Place unfortunate.

Do you want to know what I did during the 4 Bruins wins in that series? I slept. Not on purpose, except for Game 7. I was so gassed from work the previous 3 Bruins wins I had taken a nap. It seemed to do the trick so I came home and put myself to bed instead of watching Game 7. And guess what happened? I woke up to a riot in my city. And I fucking LOOOOOOOOOOVED IT!!!! I threw on the song "Black and YEllow" and I danced around in my fucking underpants. Look at all those idiots showing how classless the fans in this city are! TARNISH THE SHITTY IDIOT FANS!

I told this story to a high-school friend at someone's birthday party (we used to watch Canucks games when I was fan years ago) and he literally got up and left the party. SCORE ONE FOR NON-CANUCKS FANS EVERYWHERE!

The cops should have rode around today and picked up every dirtball wearing a jersey and thrown them in jail for reasons of city security.

Whatever. Fuck you low-life shitbag motherfuckers. Your delusion of future possibility only makes the tears of yesterdays past that much sweeter, even if they've hardly had time to dry.

Truly Tasteless

Well, well, well....

Some blogs might've had the audacity to ask why we got back in the game at such an inopportune midsummer's night... or maybe that was just some contributor pointing out obvious idiocies we so clearly thrive on. Either way, sometimes the answer presents itself, in glowing fashion, in an opportunity for some asshole to simply act as such in a time there is no need to be...

Let's tabulate:



WEll done! Rypien holding his own against one of the bigger pylons in the NHL.




Awesome! Rypien showing his prowess versus some huge dude I am not familiar with.




Cantankerousness! Rypien beat up old man May in a dukeroonie!




Rypien showing he doesn't care if you are a tower of power of Fanrappa de clappa, he will take all comers!!!



Super excited to go and show everyone how great he is at hockey, and at just beating the shit out of people in general.

Anyways fuck it. I have questions regarding his "personal leaves" one of them enduring 70 games. Need I remind anyone that is just over half the number of games an NHL team plays in? Just over.

Drugs? Bi-polar? Shit-house nutzoid?

It's not very strange, being that Canada prides itself on shutting down nuthouses and letting criminals roam the streets in general. I guess it's really just truly a fucking loss that some character guy didn't get another shot a busting some domes. Dream almost came true for a legend in a bunch of people's semi-level minds.

Fucking criminal, really.

Pess Who's Back?

Remember when Luongo said that he felt better about winning the series vs Chicago than he did the Olympic Gold?

What a fucking dipshit.

New account, same name, same drivel, same game. Get ready for the slowest 3 minutes since we pulled out of an Afghani cream-pie, you dumplings. Feels good to dust 'em off. Now let's put it to good use. HOO-LAH-LAH

Fickle fucking fans

It had been a long winter for Vancouverites. Multiple snowfalls had made the cold season’s grip that much tighter on the city’s inhabitants. Coupled with the economic recession that the continent was smack dab in the middle of, old man winter had all but squeezed every last drop of ambition from the entire metropolitan mass.


Now that’s my kind of winter.

The spring burst forth with ferocity, people embracing its arrival as if it were summer herself knocking at the door. I was open to the change in weather. I was eager to hit the city’s parks and patios for liquid refreshments, though the patios held less appeal since the city’s smoking bylaws prevented patrons from carcinogenic imbibitions.

I was not; however, open to the coinciding emptiness that had thrust itself upon the streets that April. The Vancouver Canucks had made the NHL playoffs and a city of nonexistent fans had materialized. There were flags flown from automobiles, jerseys dusted off that hadn’t seen the light of day for years, even more jerseys bought a day earlier, the price tag still attached and blowing in the spring wind. All this accompanied by a general celebratory glow on the faces of imbeciles all around me.


I began searching for war paint immediately. I could not be asked to comport myself in a civil manner with all this tomfoolery going on in my midst.

Now, you see, it's important to understand, I am nothing if not an avid despiser of the Canucks. This despite the fact I grew up loving them, I went through the pain of '94 and stuck with them. The debacles thereafter? I was by their side.


Side note:That handle on the bottom right of the picture above is eerily similar to mine...

But the last few years, the team just lost me. They started playing "D" first, which may be a great idea when you have one of the best goalies in the league, but it doesn't translate into exciting hockey. And if I'm going to watch sports, I'm not in it to fall asleep. That's what I do after crushing 15 beers while watching the game.



But my hatred for the Canucks and what they did to the team I had loved the longest, pales in comparison to my hatred for the sports writers and fans in this city.

Now that the team that so many loved for all of two weeks has been ousted from the Stanley Cup Playoffs, the finger-pointing is at an all time high. The back of The Province screams out in bold block letters "TRADE LUONGO". Other writers say jettison the entire defense. Whispers of people glad the Sedins will not re-sign in the city. Let's blame the Game 6 loss on the refs!



In the few periods I did catch of Canucks hockey this post-season, I can tell you this much: trading Luongo would be huge mistake. The only reason they even made it into the playoffs was that man. They also swept the hottest team in hockey in the first series. They played well enough against Chicago, the 'Hawks just happen to have a linebacker they can stick in front of Luongo that none of the Canucks D-men cared to move or punish. I guess that would have been racist. And the Refs didn't lose that game for the Canucks, the lack of discipline by a bunch of hot-heads did. That and Hatrick Kane, with one of the best single efforts in a post-season game I can recall.



Actually, maybe it wasn't so much a single effort as an effort on the entire Canucks D letting him just walk in and coughing up pucks. Vancouver's defense was fucking horrendous in this series.

Here's what you do, and this is a better opinion than any you will find in the local papers, because I am actually an objective writer on the subject.

Re-sign the Sedins, they are the closest thing to a star that team has other than its captain. With their late first round pick, draft someone that Cody Hodgson has played with, or someone who grew up in BC. Dump Ohlund, dump Salo, lock up Edler to a multi-year deal. Tell Sundin to suck a fart out of my ass. Trade Kesler while his stock is high, he's not that good and that debacle at the end of the game where he came out of the penalty box is unforgivable. Tell Burrows to stop harassing goalies before someone takes his french-fried head off. Get Grabner to practice all off-season with the twinns. Tell Hodson he is the starting second line center in the fall so he better get fucking ready. Go after Cammaleri and Bouwmeester. Call Sakic and see if he would like to have a swan song with the 'Nucks, the Hodson can actually play 3rd line. Dump Labarbera and get Corey Schneider up all fucking ready. Sign Daniel Tjanqvist for more cheap swedish love in the dressing room.



I don't really know where I was going with this, other than to point out that a it's all just fucking speculation and trading Luongo isn't the answer, nor is not re-signing the twins unless you have a bona-fide all star or two to take their places.

Fuck this city, fuck the fans and fuck the sports writers. I am getting so fucking drunk for a real hockey game tonight. I don't have time for this shit.

Cheers, and enjoy the game tonight, I know everyone will be watching.