The slowest Three Minutes in Hockey: Slow Start To The Blogging Season Edition

Okay folks, time to let 'er rip.

Johnny Mitchell is a gem? Who the FUCK is Johnny Mitchell? Are Burke and Wilson paying for this shit? All the money that's tied up in that back end and he's touting some guy named Johnny Mitchell? It's not like they can just stick Jeff Finger in the minors and make his salary disappear.

Jason Blake should play center. This is getting good. So all the pure centers they have on this squad and it's time to take an old winger and turn him into a center to dish to Kessel? Yeah, fucking Jason Blake is the next fucking Marc Savard. Maybe I should be looking to dish Kessel in my keeper, since the Leafs brass probably use these talks as their blueprint for success.

"Do you have a picture of a young boy?" WHAT?!?!?!

Ok, so he is showing us a pic of a dead kid from the pig's poo flu. Sad, I guess, or maybe it is sadder that Don stumbled over getting H1N1 out of his mouth when that's the only thing I've seen on the TV and the front of the paper for the last month.


What's Don's solution to H1N1 you ask? Vaccines maybe? Nope: "Have your own bottle, no more high fives". Brilliant

PUT UP THE TROOPERS I FEEL LIKE CRYING!!

JESUS CHRIST!!!!



Editor's note: Apologies for the lack of posts, but, really, I'm not the only motherfucker that contributes to this disease. I will also be shutting down my internet for a while, so don't expect much from my bitch ass. I am looking at Williams and Towers to step the fuck up. Either that or this turns into an excuse to go over to my buddy's place and get drunk and post. Only time will tell.

That's for the kids.

The Slowest Three Minutes In Hockey: 30th Anniversary Edition

Hey there young bucks!!

So it's the 30th anniversary! Of the Dump? Hell no, this shithole hasn't been around that long, we would've been writing from our cribs! But, my favorite target, Dunn-didely-dunn-dunce Cherry has been spitting drivel over electromagnetic waves for exactly that, 30 seasons!

I would just like to take a moment to honour Dunce. He has not only managed to stay on the air for that long, spitting hogwash and horseshit to whoever will listen, but he has also managed to turn himself into a national celebrity, whom many Canadians would probably vote into office.

O Canada....


So not a ton to report tonight. Dunce seems pretty proud that he called the kettle black. The "kettle" being Brian Burke and "black" being a hot-headed-Irishman-who- values-goons-over-skill. Bravo! I hope he had a potato pancake in celebration.

I might!

It feels good to be back.

Sidenote: When I came back to the dump the other day, I got some weird messages from my browser. If anyone else experiences the same problems and still has the nuts to come in here, please let Williams know so we can try to figure out what it's all about.

The Slowest Three Minutes In Hockey

Dunce starts us off tonight, with a quick piss and moan about how Kovalev got a penalty for being the second Hab ejected during a face-off. He lets us know how rules are "insane". Then, to prove that he knows what he is talking about, he puts on a caveman/Tarzan-esque voice, evidently to show us how linesman talk. It's ironic that he is the one who sounds like a caveman, voice mask non-withstanding.

Then het gets mad because Justin Pogge stepped on some Bruins' skate and fell down. Don would have us beleive that the goal should not have counted, as there should have obviously been a penalty. Never mind that the Bruins player was being ridden into the crease by a Leaf. And never mind that Pogge was up in time to make the save but just gave up. I'm not sure what's more pathetic, the fact that Don is still updating us with Leafs' info, or the fact that I am passing it on second hand.

So finally we ge to to Ovechkin, and the Coach's Corner RESPECT t-shirt. Cherry totally fucks my post at this point. He praises Ovechkin and infers that he is an ok guy. He even goes so far as to say he will win the Rocket Richard (not a bold statement were it from anyone else's mouth). Then he praises him for not "jumping around" after he scores and empty netter... Are you even serious? Like Ovechkin would do that? He also mentions that no one should ever jump around. Oh yeah? What about this:


Then Don lets us know that it IS ok for the Oilers team to jump around after Roloson's 51 save performance the other night...Fuck, I am almost as confused as Dunce was when Ron mentioned politics.

Small-town Canadians are also the best, according to the Dongler. The best at shoveling chikenshit.

Slowest Three Minutes In Hockey, Pwnage Edition.

So Don starts us off his usual banter about his "...type of guy..." (reference to Eric Nystrom) who is "...nice to watch..." also mentioning "...his big bone..." in reference to him. Erotic.

Then he goes on to talk about how great Nystrom is as he rounds the goal, shaking his fists, in what is as close to excessive celebration you will see this side of Washington.

SPEAKING OF WASHINGTON!!! (drum roll please)

So they play a clip of Ovechkin's post-game comments after the big five-o, refering to Dunce and "Coach's Room" (fuck that is never going to get old).
"Anyhow, Alex, is that his name?" Wow, that's how you're going to rebuttle? Pretend you don't know the name of the NHL's leading scorer? Stellar. Well played, way to show your true colours.

"He then goes on to ask about how would you like to be playing for Tampa Bay?" Well, the year that AO came into the league, weren't the Lightning the defending Cup champs? He probably wouldn't have minded playing for them at that point, rather than for the bottom-feeding Capitals. He took that team on his shoulders and built it into the most exciting franchise in the league. He can fucking do whatever the fuck he wants to do, especially in their shitty ass arena.

Don then starts complaining about how the Lightning had a rookie goalie in. So did the Capitals. That's just the way the cookie (and the Lightning goalies, and organization for that matter) crumble.

THEN he starts talking about the Lightning goalie's feelings. HOLY FUCK!! Don is concerned about people's feelings now? The guy who debases europenas and frenchmen, the guy who basically calls out any player he feels like, regardless of how it may make them "feel", decides that Ovechkin isn't being considerate of peoples feelings? Hey DOn, he just scored 50 goals. That is some emotional shit you and I know nothing about, since neither of us has ever scored a goal in the NHL. You, on the other hand, have an entire week in your basement to sit around and pre-meditate you segment on Coach's Room, and throw whomever you see fit under the bus at any given moment.

YOU TWO FACED DINGBAT.


Then Dunce starts taling about payback and such, basically making Coach's Room sound like a mafia hit segment.

Then he says that everyone is laughing at Alex, when he celebrates. The only person anyone is laughing at is you, you senile old shit.

I won't touch too much on the fallen soldiers love-in bit. O ther than Don airing out his skeletons by talking about the one soldier whose grandfather and father were in the military and all his life he wanted to be in the military. Sounds just like Don, but he actually had the nuts to do it.

FUCK YOU CHERRY!!

Side Note: Pics to come later, I can't stand looking for pics on my buddy's laptop.