Back to the Future

Ah, the off-season. A time for speculation and predictions, and this year they flow like no other. I felt I would step up to the plate and make a few predictions of my own. My weapon of choice? The 2008 NHL Entry Draft. Feel free to use this analysis as a guide for wagering, and/or with your office pool, as this shit is gold.

Steven Stamkos - Steven will suprise the world and NOT make the Lightning out of training camp. He will instead be sent back to Sarnia where he will remain for the next two seasons. He will then play for the TB Farm affliate Norfolk Admirals where he will fail to score a single goal. He will then be called up (under much pressure from ownership), and proceed to have a breakout career as a 3rd liner. He will also marry and divorce 12 women in his twenties alone.

Career Stats: 699 GP / 34G / 21A / 1 PIM
Compared to: A shitty version of Dean McAmmond

Drew Doughty - Drew will come out of the gate strong for Los Angeles and score a point a game average, and be named to the Western All-Star Team in Montreal, PQ. And that's where things go south. He will attend a show at a Gentleman's Club with fellow All-Star Hannu Toivonen where he will participate in a three-way sex act that will not only enlighten him in ways he did not know existed, but he would also contract a deadly virus known as Hepatitis Aids. He will remain with the Kings the rest of his career. All 8 games of it.

Career Stats: 46GP / 10G / 36A / 80PIM
Compared to: The Ghost of Al Iafrate

Zach Bogosian - Zach will play a full season in Atlanta before being traded to Metallurg Novokuznetsk of the KHL in Russia, under the highly controversial new NHL / Russian Trade Agreement. Zach would will go on to become The former Soviet Hot Spots favorite Teen Idol, leading the league in Hits on and off the ice. He would also go on to popularize the phrase "in Russia you don't play hockey, hockey plays you".

Career Stats: 80GP / 6G / 10A / 450PIM
Compared to: Felix Potvin if he was a defenceman.

Alex Pietranglo - Alex will play another year with the Ice Dogs in Niagra Falls before suiting up for the Blues in the 09/10 Season. He will go on to play a full career of over 1500 games all while never scoring a single goal, or assist. He will also never get a single penalty, or even record a shot on net. It's almost like he was never there at all.

Career Stats: 1503GP / 0G / 0A / 0PIM
Compared to: Hakan Loob's twin brother Greg.

Luke Schenn - Luke will go on to become the youngest captain in the history of the Toronto Maple Leafs at age 18. He will also become the youngest captain in the history of the Dallas Stars, the Colorado Avalanche, and the New York Islanders as he will be traded a record 7 times in his rookie season. He will go on to play 10 years in the NHL for all 31 teams, ending his career with the expansion Swift Current Horses.

Career Stats: 800GP / 80G / 80A / 1600PIM
Compared to: Hakan Loob's other twin brother Paul.

Nikita Filatov - Nikita will lead the Blue Jackets to heights unheard of. He will break all of Gretzky's major records, and win an unprecedented 11 Stanley Cups. Unfortunately it will be revealed that Filatov was taking performance enhancing drugs and all of his accomplishments will be stripped from the record books, as well as all of the Blue Jacket Stanley Cups, which will be given to The New York Rangers by League Owner/Commissioner Super Bettman.

Career Stats: -GP / -G / -A / -PIM
Compared to: Tim Cheveldae Jr. (See the '10 Draft)

(Special Note: Does Filatov not kinda look like a young Sally Field in this photo?)

Colin Wilson - He will fail to show up for The Nashville training camp, and nobody will ever hear of him ever again. Some say he did show up for training camp and had a full and rewarding career. But there is no way to know for sure.

Career Stats: -GP / -G / -A / -PIM
Compared to: Steven Rice

Mikkel Boedker - Mikkel, or "Mickey as he like to be called will go on to be the first Player/Coach in over 30 years. The experiment will be considered the greatest failure in the history of professional sports, as Mickey proceeded to burn down the Glendale Arena in a show of solidarity to his newly Communist homeland of Denmark. It is still unclear why he thought the great people of Arizona posed an immediate threat.

Career Stats: 430GP / 530G / 3A / 17PIM
Compared to: Syl Apps Jr.

Josh Bailey - Josh will turn out to be just what Charles Wang was looking for, everything that is except-Asian. Charles will force Josh to undergo a highly dangerous and one day quite routine procedure that will see him go from Canadian farm boy to Japanese business man. Josh would eventually be named Emperor of the Island, and as his first official act of duty, had Charles Wang killed, and underwent a highly dangerous and one day quite routine procedure that will see him go from Japanese Business Man, to Canadian Farm boy. He will also win the Alka Seltzer +/- Award a club record 3 times!

Career Stats: 512GP / 120G / 255A / 23PIM
Compared to: Jim Peake

Cody Hodgson: Cody will go on to play 34 uninspired games over 5 years with the Vancouver Canucks. He will also play a handful more games for Calgary, and Anahiem before moving overseas to play in the Belgian Elite League. All in all, your basic Canucks draft pick.

Career Stats: 63GP / 8G / 9A / 46PIM
Compared to: Mike Gillis

(Special Note: Does Hodgson not kinda look like Liev Schrieber?)

No comments: