Roberto Luongo
You are often called the greatest goaltender in the world, but you have yet to accomplish a fucking thing (unless looking like a greasy turtle is an accomplishment).
Martin Havlat
What? You managed to play a whole week without injuring yourself? Holy Fuck! Someone plan the parade route!
Eric Staal
8.25 Million? For what? Ray Whitney is outscoring you and he has been legally dead for 5 years now. Also, your eyebrows are the same color as your skin and freaking everybody out.
Jordan Staal
"But my name is Staal also. Me good too?" (said in retard voice).
Alex Kovalev
You have only broken the point-per-game mark twice in 17 years. Fucking Twice! Why do people think you're good? What are you a hypnotist?
Olli Jokinen
A decade of hockey, ZERO playoffs. Wow. Even i could do that. Can I have some money?
John Tavares
With all this hype. if you don't win the Stanley Cup by the All-Star break next year, you are a fucking disappointment, and should kill yourself. (And yes, I do realize that he isn't in the NHL yet, but if he was REALLY that good, he would have found a way to be 18 by now.) Also, someone needs to introduce that kid to some Pro-Active.
Rick Nash
6 Foot 4, 218 Pound Pussy.
Jay Boumeester
Career high of 46 points, and that was 4 years ago. Thanks for that. Also, your name is stupid.
Mike Komisarek
I don't care if you can body check a bear into next week, 10 points a season is ECHL territory. Also, I'm changing yours and Boumeesters names to John Johnson for while. It just makes things so much easier around here.
1 comment:
"Kill Yourself" is my new favorite term. It's kind of like how everyone who used to over-use the term "awkward" has switched to using the term "O.C.D.", except I never really overused a term until now. I encourage anyone who is on the brink of using a new catchphrase to just tell anyone who uses said catch-phrase to kill themselves. Should be good population control during a recession.
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