Scheduling Conflict

I would first like to say, the city of Vancouver is completely out of basil. Thus, I would like to follow that up with a big "Fuck You" to all of the grocers out there for fucking with my Game 7 Pot O' Lasagna.

Now that we've got that out of the way, I would also like the extend another large "Fuck You" to the idiots at the NHL head office, for the scheduling the last few days. Way to capitalize on as many viewers as possible, you fucking schmucks.

Half awake and apparently gay. The Davey Williams story.

So over the course of the existence of this fine upstanding young blog, I (and the other jerk-offs that write for the Dump) have made no bones about our love affair with Alexander Ovechkin. He is everything good about the NEW NHL. One could make an argument that I may even want to give him a heterosexual blow job, but that is merely here say, and I can't legally attest to that (even if he is practically begging for it). Anyways, my blatant homosexuality aside, I wanted to make a quick little comment to AO's head coach Mr. Boudreau. Fuck you.

But why? Why would I tell that sweet, fat little man to fuck off? Well, you see, he is ruining everything. When Alex scored his 50th the other night, he also opened up a door that has been begging to opened for years in the NHL. That door of course being the planned NFL style celebrations. They are amazing. I know some people will tell you that they don't belong in the game, but you have to remember that those people are pieces of no fun shit, and should die. Which brings me back to Brucie. Brucie had a little talk with our hero after his celebration and quote... "I won't say what we talked about, but we talked. It's the first and only time I've seen that happen in all the time I've been watching Alex. I've never seen him do a celebration like that. But I don't expect it to happen again."

Thanks for that. We finally get a guy with both talent and personality and it gets wiped out immediately. Does the NHL even have a marketing division? Or is it just Bettman and his bald friends? I picture a door in an office in new york that reads NHL Marketing and Media Relations, and when you open it it's just a chair with a chicken standing on it.

So basically I'm tired of typing and I lost my train of thought, so I will sum it all up with this...

OVECHKIN = My wife leaving me.

Boudreau = Smells worse than my nuts.

Marketing = Goes well with waffles.

This blog = Downhill fast.

AO > The Kid

Are you fucking kidding me? I don't know how many times we have to repeat ourselves on this blog, but AO IS the face of the NHL, whether Betts and the boys in NYC like it or not. This video is just one of hundreds that show up almost weekly of Alex and Friends acting, well, like their age. It's REFRESHING. Just in case you were confused on that last thought, that is a good thing.

Is it just me? Or are all these cell phone videos of Alex goofing off not about 100 times more effective at making you love hockey than any of those NHL approved million dollar focus group wank fests that Crosby keeps starring in? How about instead of making some hockey purest, love of the game, Canadian circle jerk, you stop trying to turn Sid into another Gretzky clone, and focus on what actually works. O-VECH-KIN.

Here is the new idea, just have a camera follow the Caps around and watch the viewers and subsequent dollars roll in. And if you have time, tell Sid to shut the fuck up and smile every once in a while. Seriously, that guy walks around like his dog just died. But I guess if you were told that if you weren't the best, you were a failure ever since you were 13, you would be kind of a cock too.

The slowest 3 minutes in Hockey... a recap!

So I have missed a few consecutive weeks of my weekly rant. For this, I do apologize. I am a pretty big fan of the NFL and the weekends this time of year get pretty long and hazy. Luckily, the CBC archives all of the episodes of Coache's Corner! Now I can post a link for reference purposes, and I can also go back and make ammends for all those missing posts. So, without furthur ado (and yes, I know it's not the same as watching Dunce live, but I need the practice):

January 17th:

Today Don has decided to wear what looks like a McDonalds meat truck accident pattern. He has also decided to harp on Gretzky. That's my job Dunce, stick to attackng French Canadians. He then goes on to attack Bettman for not answering a fax he sent the commish. Hey Don, maybe that fax machine is sitting around in a fucking closet somewhere...since NO ONE USES FUCKING FAX MACHINES TO SEND EMAILS.
And any suggestion about Darren Pang is going to fall on deaf ears, it's just that simple.

Don then comes up with the brilliant idea that the Canucks should have not started Luongo once he was healthy. That's fucking genius Douche! A team fighting for their playoff lives, the only team with a goalie as their captain, and a team that pretty much blows chunks when he's not playing. Maybe next time they will send him for a conditioning stint! He was also irate that Wellwood was benched for a game. That fatfuck should have been benched for a few. He has one point in the team's last 18 games. I don't give a fuck if you're Sidney Crosby, those are bench numbers, that's how you ride the pine.


During one of the video segments, Dunce says to Ronnie "Get your hand over there" in a sort of under-his-breath wife-to-husband kind of voice. Ron responds by smiling and saying "Flowers I couldn't resist", in reference to the floral pattern Dunce was wearing. Did he just grab Dunce's junk? WTH is this a game of grabass or something?

January 25th:

Dunce "What is anthropology?"
Ron "Multiculturalism, the study of ethnicities"
Dunce "Oh..."
...
Dunce "I don't understand why you show that....I got alot of stuff tonight"

I think Dunce just got mad @ Ron for mentioning multiculturalism.

Dunce then goes on to get angry about the Allstar game's canadian contingent, saying that it is "tough to take seriously when you have 4 Canadians on out of 6." What? So Canada has started producing role-players rather than Allstars. Deal with it.

At 3:45 Dunce gives the middle finger. No lies, he flips the bird and taps it against his forehead. Best thing he's done this year by leaps and bounds.

Then Dunce talks about how Ethan Moreau should be in the Allstar game. Fuck, I love watching a guy who's played 758 games and scored 252 points. That is the kind of exciting marketing that the NHL should really go after. He also says Brendan Witt is an Allstar, essentially for getting his face in the way of a puck. I'm assuming that's why, or maybe it's his 4 assists in 37 games this year.

January 31st:

I think Doug Gilmour just gave Dunce mono. Why are they kissing again?

Cherry just called Clutterbuck "Buttercup". That's actually pretty funny, especially with the latent homosexual undertones invloved.

Then Dongle starts talking about "beautiful boys" again...

This was definetly one of his more flamboyant segements

A mid summers night rant.

Remember when the NHL didn't have a boner for US television markets? Back when there was no Hockey Commissioner (thats right they made that tile up special for Gary). Remember when there were the Campbell and Wales Conferences, and the Divisions were named after dead assholes? Those were good times. That was before shitty hockey cities won Stanley Cups, and pucks started to glow. I think there needs to be a change.

I think hockey is a regional sport, just like Nascar. Nobody from the north gives a shit about cars racing in a circle (except for a small minority), and nobody from the south gives a fuck about a bunch of Canadians skating around in a circle (except for a small minority). The only difference here is that Nascar doesn't give a shit what the North thinks, and the NHL loses hours of sleep over why the South doesn't like them. "Is it the fighting? We can change that! Is it because the puck is too hard to see? We can fix that! Please tell us what to do, and we will do it!"

How about this? The NHL comes to terms with the fact that it isn't ever going to go up against Footballl or Basketball or Baseball, and just caters to their hardcore fans. It worked for Nascar, why wouldn't it work here? Fuck Sunrise, and Nashville, and give Winnipeg another chance. I know they are sorry for whatever it was they did. How about Green Bay? That town has like 3 people in it and it sells out a football stadium every week.

And while we are on the topic of basing the NHL on other successful sports models, take a page out of the NFL's marketing book. You know how everybody in America owns a football jersey? That's because they don't cost $300. They practically give them away. Actually so does every other major US sport.

Sometimes I think the NBA sent Gary over to the NHL because they were getting to close for comfort. "Gary, your mission if you accept it, is to head up to Canada, and fuck shit up".

Anyways, this post is getting way too long. Basically, fuck everything.

The end.

Death by boredom.

Wow. There really is nothing going on in the world of hockey. Have you browsed any of the other blogs out there today? They are actually blogging about other peoples blogs (like I am doing right now). Bettman should make it a rule that at least one NHL teams has to make a trade, sign a player, or fire a coach everyday. It's just good business. Look at Paris Hilton, that cunt is in the news daily, and all she has to do is flash one of her tiny titties. Why won't gary flash one of his tiny titties? This could be a loooong August...

The following is a list of NHL Players that died at a young age. (Expansion era up).

Luc Bourdon - Vancouver Canucks- Age 21 - Death by Motorcycle.

Sergei Zholtok - Minnesota Wild - Age 31 - Death by Heart Failure

Dan Snyder - Atlanta Thrashers - Age 25 - Death by Heatley

Roman Lyashenko - New York Rangers - Age 24 - Death by Suicide

Alexei Yegorov - San Jose Sharks - Age 27 - Death by Drug Overdose

Dmitri Tertyshny - Philadelphia Flyers - Age 22 - Death by Boat propeller

Chiasson, SteveSteve Chiasson - Detroit Redwings - Age 32 - Death by Car Accident

Stephane Morin - Vancouver Canucks - Age 29 - Death by Heart Attack

Yanick Dupre - Philadelphia Flyers - Age 24 - Death by Leukemia

Jeff Batters - St.Louis Blues - Age 25 - Death by Car Accident

Mike Colman - San Jose Sharks - Age 25 - Death by Car Accident

John Kordic - Toronto Maple Leafs - Age 27 - Death by Drug Overdose

Roger Hägglund - Quebec Nordics - Age 30 - Death by Car Accident

Pelle Lindbergh - Philadelphia Flyers - Age 26 - Death by Driving Drunk

Don Ashby - Colorado Rockies - Age 26 - Death by Car Accident

Scott Garland - Toronto Maple Leafs - Age 27 - Death by Car Accident

Bob Gassoff - St. Louis Blues - Age 24 - Death by Motocycle

Wayne Maki - Vancouver Canucks - Age 29 - Death by Brain Cancer

Tim Horton - Toronto Maple Leafs - Age 44 - Death by Car Accident

Michel Briere - Pittsburg Penguins - Age 21 - Death by Coma

Terry Sawchuk - Detroit Red Wings - Age 40 - Death by Fist Fight

Bill Masterton - Minnesota North Stars - Age 29 - Death by Hockey


Side Note: Did you know that Paris Hilton was on her High School Hockey Team?!?!? Check it...HERE.

Gary Bettman is a bear.

So if you haven't checked out the Gary Bettman: Portraits of Heroism, 'Flickr gallery', then fuck you. It is the result of a Puck Daddy contest that may or may not have concluded (that kind of knowledge is strictly for people that read the entire paragraph). It is full of semi-good, and good-good, photoshoped Bettman heads on movie posters, and shit like that. I give the whole effort a solid 4 out of 5 floating hotdogs.

Look deep into my eyes.

IHL stalwarts, The Flint Generals have broken some new ground this week by adding a Hypnotist to the staff. It's unsure as to whether Director of Hockey Operations Ron Sanko has gone completely insane, or if this is merely a brief stop-over on the fast track to corked-forkdom. Head Coach Peter South said: "Basically, we bring in doctors and chiropractors to look after the guys' bodies, this is an opportunity to have a guy in here to talk about their minds." This roughly translates to, "I coach a shitty minor league team in one of the poorest areas of the country, what the fuck am I supposed to do, quit?"

So this semi-interesting turn of events had me thinking, what if a real NHL Team did this? Who could benefit? What good could come of it? Thats what I plan to find out. I took a bunch of NHL Stars and gave their info to a top Mentalist. This is what he says he can do.


Glen Murray

Before Treatment: An 18 year NHL Veteran that had one good year and has been living off of it ever since.
After Treatment: He will realize he's a 18 year NHL Veteran that had one good year and has been living off of it ever since, and retire to explore his first love of cock fighting.


Doug Houda

Before Treatment: A former NHLer now an assistant coach with the Boston Bruins,
After Treatment: A 42 year old Doug will make a comeback to the NHL in the 2008 season and go on to win the Commissioners Award for Achievement in Excellence. An award he donated to the league himself.


Jeff Finger

Before Treatment: Jeff is a 28 year old rookie with the Toronto Maple Leafs holding s a $14 Million contract.
After Treatment: Jeff will be a 29 year old sophmore with the Toronto Marlies holding a $14 Million contract.


Steve Tambellini

Before Treatment: Former Burke Lackey, former Gretzky Lackey, former Nonis Lackey, current Gillis Lackey.
After Treatment: Tired of always being the bridesmaid and never the bride, Steve will take matters into his own hands and find the money to buy his own NHL franchise, the Nashville Preditors. He will move them to his hometown of Trail, BC. and name re-name them the Smoke-Eaters after the great team that brought Canada back World Championship Gold in 1939. He will die pennyless at age 45.


Mats Sundin

Before Treatment: An NHL Superstar that apparently has too much money and all the time in the world.
After Treatment: Captain of the Florida Panthers, and 2-time Stanley Cup Champion. Wait, what?


Gary Bettman

Before Treatment: President of the NHL.
After Treatment: President of the NHL and a healthier body image.



Kontinental Hockey League

Before Treatment: Russian start up league with money to burn.
After Treatment: After only 5 years in existence, the KHL will realize that there is no money in Ice Hockey and successfully create the KFL- The Kontinental Football League. It will easily go on to be the 2nd largest sports brand in the world behind the suprisingly successful re-formation of the World Hockey Assosiation.

New Poll: Bees Edition

The Business of Hockey

Did you know that when you Google Image search "Kontinental Hockey League" a picture of Freddy Mercury pops up? Did you also know that not one hockey related image does?

This is the kind of progressive, outside of the box marketing that is going to re-raise the Iron Curtain, and sink Bettmans filthy regime of hate and trans fats. The NHL needs to get on this Fredrick Mercury band wagon now, and HARD!

Side Note: Is it just me, or does Bettman look like the Penguin from the Batman Comics? Speaking of Batman, 200 Million in one weekend? That shit is Craaaazy. It makes IronMan look like a lonely turd floating in the bowl.

Anyways, the NHL needs more Queen, and less shittyness.