RESPECT, Theoren Fleury style

SO good ol' Theo found a way to get his name back in the press! And it didn't even involve getting his substance abuse on, or trying to rekindle his career in a beer league!

That's about it. I can drink more than Fleury (don't scoff, it's true) and can rag on Cherry harder than he can to. BACK TO THE ROCK'S UNDERSIDE FROM WHENCE YOU CAME!

Side Note: I love it when our blog is the first image hit for "Fleury Drunk" when I'm looking for Theo

HockeyDump's European Vacation

Dear friends & lovers...

I am currently sitting on a rented bed in the south of France, sipping on an 8 Euro bottle of Ballantines, and reading some of the many beautiful hockey blogs that clog up not only the intelligence of your average hockey fan, but also my "Favorites" folder. I am delighted to report that hockey is as alive and well in the throws of the Mediterainian as it ever was, and that "acting like an entitled cunt" is still in the height of fashion on the mean streets of Cannes. That being said, what's new with you?

I also wanted to ask you all wht the fuck is up with Oshie? I have only been gone for a few days, and when I check in it appears the entire hockey world has taken to sucking some serious T.J. dick. When I left, he was a somewhat underachieving rookie, mixed in with a bunch of other underachieving rookies on an overachieving Blues roster. Did he score 8 goals in a game? Did he punch a ref? Did he urinate on an Avery? Something big must have happened, because every fucking blog I visited is on fire with TJ Gayness (Trademark Pending).

Also, I like that Jason Towers finally got off his lazy ass and posted something. I think he owes Mr.Spec7ral a beer for holding up his slack for the past 4 months. And by "holding up his slack", I mean "puching orphans in the poop hole". Anyways, I don't even know what the hell I'm typing anymore. I am going to go back to my Scotch, and Comedy Death Ray mp3s.

Fuck the police,

- Davey Williams, European Giggalo


PS - My spell check is broken,....so fuck you.

(Community) College Dream

Okay, so I haven't posted in a loooong time. For some reason I decided to get married and start a new career within the same month. I know, lame-ass excuses. In my defense, I also accidentally-on-purpose watched the first 20 minutes of the Love Guru which sent me into a self-induced 3 month comatose state which left me unable to communicate any thoughts relating to hockey. More thoughts on that movie later if I ever finish it.

I was awoken from my "hockey-coma" last week when I read that Chris "Cheli" Chelios had celebrated 10 years with the Wings. Holy shit, wasn't it just a couple of years ago that he got traded from Chicago? Time flies when you measure it in Cheli years.

I love the guy but could someone tell him that the league now has a retirement plan that would pay him even if he doesn't play 3 minutes a night. He's like the old guy wandering around at the community college who everbody thinks: "What does he teach? No, he doesn't teach. He's taking a class with me".

Ah, fuck it, let's see how long the Grecian Stallion can go - he's probably the last of a literally dying breed in the NHL. He's obviously found his fountain of shitty-youth:

























Fuck, I have many more belligerent and irrelevant thoughts from the past few months but Mr. Williams and Spec7ral have pretty much covered it - thank the holder-uppers!

Bonus Feature:

Steve Ott vs Colin Campbell's son

In the Panthers-Stars match up tonight, Steve Ott was up to his usual antics. By usual antics, I am referring to borderline/definite cheap hits that could garner suspensions. The thing that makes tonight's hit all the more cause for bloggeration, is the fact it was on the flesh and blood of the NHL's lead disciplinarian, Colin Campbell.

Apparently, Gregory Campbell is Colin's son. Whoopsie-daisy!

I will post a vid when one becomes available, but either way, this should garner some acute speculation over the next day or two.

In the meantime....

The Slowest Three Minutes In Hockey

Dunce starts us off tonight, with a quick piss and moan about how Kovalev got a penalty for being the second Hab ejected during a face-off. He lets us know how rules are "insane". Then, to prove that he knows what he is talking about, he puts on a caveman/Tarzan-esque voice, evidently to show us how linesman talk. It's ironic that he is the one who sounds like a caveman, voice mask non-withstanding.

Then het gets mad because Justin Pogge stepped on some Bruins' skate and fell down. Don would have us beleive that the goal should not have counted, as there should have obviously been a penalty. Never mind that the Bruins player was being ridden into the crease by a Leaf. And never mind that Pogge was up in time to make the save but just gave up. I'm not sure what's more pathetic, the fact that Don is still updating us with Leafs' info, or the fact that I am passing it on second hand.

So finally we ge to to Ovechkin, and the Coach's Corner RESPECT t-shirt. Cherry totally fucks my post at this point. He praises Ovechkin and infers that he is an ok guy. He even goes so far as to say he will win the Rocket Richard (not a bold statement were it from anyone else's mouth). Then he praises him for not "jumping around" after he scores and empty netter... Are you even serious? Like Ovechkin would do that? He also mentions that no one should ever jump around. Oh yeah? What about this:


Then Don lets us know that it IS ok for the Oilers team to jump around after Roloson's 51 save performance the other night...Fuck, I am almost as confused as Dunce was when Ron mentioned politics.

Small-town Canadians are also the best, according to the Dongler. The best at shoveling chikenshit.

Flames fans are the "bomb"

Ahhh, a face only momma could love. It seems this gentleman was not overly pleased with the Columbus Blue Jackets' drubbing of the Calgary Flames. So he took matters into his own hands. He called the Jackets' stadium and uttered some threats. Thanks to the brand new, high-tech innovation of Caller ID, police used his telephone number to find his residence and arrested his flaming ass.

The most interesting part of this story, is that there are Flames fans located somewhere other than Calgary.

Ray Emery and his Hummer

Ray Emery has a hummer.

Ray Emery got pulled over in Ottawa driving it. Ray got his Hummer impounded and his license suspended for 7 days. This begs the question... WTF is Emery doing in Ottawa anyways? It's not like he was visiting Snoop...

I guess his Russian club no longer needed him to advertise their sponsors with baseball caps...

Oh Ray...

Boobs.

I STOLE YOUR POST because I am a lazy man.

And also because the content is too great not to comment on:

From BP:
Mr. Malk makes some perogies, Russian-steez.

It seems Malkin can't pronounce very many English words correctly, but he seems to have a handle on the word ugly, what does that tell you? I also enjoyed at the end where he just fucks off to take a phone call. The gents @ BP say that that is Larionov's daughter, who was once AO's main squeeze. Is she on the list of hockey sluts? Is Geno pounding her perogie? If Geno pounds her does she come with the Hart trophy? Can I have a go at her if I learn Russian and/or broken English?

From PuckDaddy:

Buy a bottle of vodka, get free tickets to the 'yotes game. I feel like living in 'Zona could be a good thing. You get a Superbowl caliber NFL squad, you can walk to Vegas, you can check out Steve Nash's greasy mullet, and you get a ticket to a hockey game when you want to get loser pissed on Smirnoff. Oh and it's warm all year. Fuck it, I am moving down there...maybe Turris will billet me.

And from Reed over @ CK:
It seems that I am not the only Canadian out there that is tired of Cherry's hate-mongering (although you probably didn't need a shitty punk song to tell you that):

Maybe this isn't a shitty punk song, but I couldn't really tell you, as I think all of it is shit. Except for maybe some Sex Pistols stuff, and a Rancid/OI song here or there.

Also, just in case anyone is excited about Kotalik getting a goal to make it close in that Red Wings - Oilers matchup last night, why don't we take a look at the 2nd goal for Detroit:

What a fucking goat, he just lets Franzen walk right through him. I thought the Oilers could be a dark horse, but the more I see of them (I've been watching them a fair bit the last few weeks), the more I think they are a bunch of losers, with the exception of Gagner, Souray, Gilbert, Grebeshkov, Nilsson and Roloson. Why the fuck are they letting Potulney and Schrmep rot in the minors? Hemsky is a fucking overrated bum. All he does is circle around the net like it's NHL '92. Fucking bum.

Keep the home fires burning (slow, for at least 3 minutes)

Well, shit. I am going to buy an Ovechkin Jersey next paycheque. It's not even a fucking option anymore. I mean, it's the least I can do for all this glorious cannon fodder Mr. Ovechkin is providing me in my attacks on the defender of hockey xenophobia: Don "Dunce" Cherry.

Scroll down if you need the pre-frame on the story, but you all know the deal. So here's the next installment of hockey's greatest player versus the sport's most senile ambassador of hate.

Christ Almighty, does it get any better than this? Maybe if Micheal Jordan had come out wearing a strap-on dildo after Marv Albert took a chunk out of that prozzie...nah not even then. Cherry has been dishing out his pigsnot for so long, the fact that any player, even if he was a beer league player in Africa, challenges him is so refreshing. The fact that it is the BEST PLAYER IN THE NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE is downright soul shifting material, it is like a fucking religious experience for me. These pictures are like when the Virgin Mary showed up on that piece of toast: tasty.

Does it say "He Scores" on his crotch?

Yep. So there you have it. Ovechkin playing soccer in a Coach's Corner T shirt. The shirt is also said to have had the word "RESPECT" imprinted on the back. I can only assume that means that Ovechkin thinks that Cherry owes him some, as he has made it pretty obvious that he thinks Cherry is an un-interesting old man that he doesn't pay much attention to. This is about the best sports feud since Shaq asked Kobe to tell him how his ass tasted.

Is it Saturday yet? Cause Coach's Room is going to be another "beauty" as the old relic would say.

Edit: Is Mike Green still carrying baby fat? And why is the guy at the end of the tunnel staring at his caboose?

Man vs Nature Flying Goat Edition

This one is for the people cheering for the Zamboni to get him and Scott Oake every Saturday night on the late game.

Gonchar Vs Korea

Do you like Korean Knock-off Hockey Jerseys?

Do you like Sergei Gnochar?

Then you are going to love this great offer now on ebay!

Slowest Three Minutes In Hockey, Pwnage Edition.

So Don starts us off his usual banter about his "...type of guy..." (reference to Eric Nystrom) who is "...nice to watch..." also mentioning "...his big bone..." in reference to him. Erotic.

Then he goes on to talk about how great Nystrom is as he rounds the goal, shaking his fists, in what is as close to excessive celebration you will see this side of Washington.

SPEAKING OF WASHINGTON!!! (drum roll please)

So they play a clip of Ovechkin's post-game comments after the big five-o, refering to Dunce and "Coach's Room" (fuck that is never going to get old).
"Anyhow, Alex, is that his name?" Wow, that's how you're going to rebuttle? Pretend you don't know the name of the NHL's leading scorer? Stellar. Well played, way to show your true colours.

"He then goes on to ask about how would you like to be playing for Tampa Bay?" Well, the year that AO came into the league, weren't the Lightning the defending Cup champs? He probably wouldn't have minded playing for them at that point, rather than for the bottom-feeding Capitals. He took that team on his shoulders and built it into the most exciting franchise in the league. He can fucking do whatever the fuck he wants to do, especially in their shitty ass arena.

Don then starts complaining about how the Lightning had a rookie goalie in. So did the Capitals. That's just the way the cookie (and the Lightning goalies, and organization for that matter) crumble.

THEN he starts talking about the Lightning goalie's feelings. HOLY FUCK!! Don is concerned about people's feelings now? The guy who debases europenas and frenchmen, the guy who basically calls out any player he feels like, regardless of how it may make them "feel", decides that Ovechkin isn't being considerate of peoples feelings? Hey DOn, he just scored 50 goals. That is some emotional shit you and I know nothing about, since neither of us has ever scored a goal in the NHL. You, on the other hand, have an entire week in your basement to sit around and pre-meditate you segment on Coach's Room, and throw whomever you see fit under the bus at any given moment.

YOU TWO FACED DINGBAT.


Then Dunce starts taling about payback and such, basically making Coach's Room sound like a mafia hit segment.

Then he says that everyone is laughing at Alex, when he celebrates. The only person anyone is laughing at is you, you senile old shit.

I won't touch too much on the fallen soldiers love-in bit. O ther than Don airing out his skeletons by talking about the one soldier whose grandfather and father were in the military and all his life he wanted to be in the military. Sounds just like Don, but he actually had the nuts to do it.

FUCK YOU CHERRY!!

Side Note: Pics to come later, I can't stand looking for pics on my buddy's laptop.

Half awake and apparently gay. The Davey Williams story.

So over the course of the existence of this fine upstanding young blog, I (and the other jerk-offs that write for the Dump) have made no bones about our love affair with Alexander Ovechkin. He is everything good about the NEW NHL. One could make an argument that I may even want to give him a heterosexual blow job, but that is merely here say, and I can't legally attest to that (even if he is practically begging for it). Anyways, my blatant homosexuality aside, I wanted to make a quick little comment to AO's head coach Mr. Boudreau. Fuck you.

But why? Why would I tell that sweet, fat little man to fuck off? Well, you see, he is ruining everything. When Alex scored his 50th the other night, he also opened up a door that has been begging to opened for years in the NHL. That door of course being the planned NFL style celebrations. They are amazing. I know some people will tell you that they don't belong in the game, but you have to remember that those people are pieces of no fun shit, and should die. Which brings me back to Brucie. Brucie had a little talk with our hero after his celebration and quote... "I won't say what we talked about, but we talked. It's the first and only time I've seen that happen in all the time I've been watching Alex. I've never seen him do a celebration like that. But I don't expect it to happen again."

Thanks for that. We finally get a guy with both talent and personality and it gets wiped out immediately. Does the NHL even have a marketing division? Or is it just Bettman and his bald friends? I picture a door in an office in new york that reads NHL Marketing and Media Relations, and when you open it it's just a chair with a chicken standing on it.

So basically I'm tired of typing and I lost my train of thought, so I will sum it all up with this...

OVECHKIN = My wife leaving me.

Boudreau = Smells worse than my nuts.

Marketing = Goes well with waffles.

This blog = Downhill fast.

Ovechkin responds to Don Cherry's remarks.

Holy shit. I am in heaven. This is the best thing I have seen all year, even better than the Panther's fan's tits!!! OH MAN! CHECK IT OUT!!!

Holy shit. It feels like Christmas Eve. I cannot wait for tomorrow night.

HOLY COW I LOVE THIS GUY!!! "Oh yeah, he'll be pissed off...coach's room" HAHAHAH!!
Also found this gem in The Hockey News. A few of AO's reflections on the topic of Dunce Cherry:
"He's not interesting to me, so he can say whatever he wants. I don't care about him,"

All 50:

Man vs Nature 3 times a lady

Fuck, I am not sure what is worse...how sick I am, or how much time I am spending in front of my computer...
Idea via Nuuuuugs:

Idea via James:

The Pes-Satan Project update

Okay, so, it seems things are going swimmingly for the boys of Wilkes-Barrie/Scranton (WTF is with that name?). As you may or may not be aware, Commander Geno demanded that Miro Satan be sent to the Penguins AHL affiliate in order to build up valuable chemistry with the Penguins secret weapon of mass destruction. It seems this chemistry will be ready even sooner than planned (playoffs) as I came across the following from the Pitts Post-Gazette a minute ago:
"...with two assists Monday against Albany, Pesonen set a club record for points (68), including 24 goals, with the Penguins' American Hockey League affiliate at Wilkes-Barre/Scranton...Playing on Pesonen's line Monday when he set that record was Miroslav Satan, the veteran winger who cleared waivers and was reassigned to Wilkes-Barre because of salary cap issues. Satan had a goal and three assists in a 7-2 win that marked his first AHL game since April 1, 1995."
Anyways, it seems like that shit is working out well for everyone involved, I'm just hoping the center of that line is wearing a Malkin mask, to ease the upcomng transition.

Man vs Nature aka Spec7ral vs Photoshop

As my girlfriend put it: "That is the worst photoshop you have ever done." And that's saying something!

The Plagurist abides. aka Man vs Nature, take one.

Well it seems like I can't come up with any original material these days. It also seems like I can't post a picture in a comment section on someone's blog.
I'm also sick, sitting around on photoshop, so I stole Nuug's observation of Jokinen resembling a primate and butchered the shit out of it.

That got me to thinking: What other NHL players resemble animals? If you submit a name and an animal and I find them reasonably akin, I shall metamorphosize them with terrible prowess for your entertainment!

SIDE NOTE: THIS IS NOT A GERMAN HOCKEY RINK, SO NO THROWING BANANAS ON THE ICE. CAPICHE?

This sucks a fat dick.

Just curious, but who exactly is the target market for those local radio parody sports songs that come out around this time every year? Seriously. Does anyone out there actually find them funny or even remotely entertaining? Because, they make me want to shove piano wire up my pee hole.

That being said, it appears the city of Calgary has decided to embrace this masterpiece above as their own, and let me tell you, Ho-Ly-Shit. Let's just say you did decide to go ahead and produce a shitty spoof song about your favorite hockey team. Why the fuck would you pick a Lady Ga-Ga song? The chick looks like a Toucan raped Judith Light, and shit out an albino.

Anyways, my dinner is done, so I'm going to stop typing now. Tuna Surprise! Whats the surprise? My wife can't cook.

PANSIFICATION and other things that are wrong with our world.

Fuck here we go. This is the kind of shit that makes my brain bleed.

I was perusing the hockey blogosphere (fuck, did I just use that fucking word?) and found myself over at "Gripping the Stick Too Tight" and came across a magnificent post on the current debate revolving around fighting and it's place in the game of hockey. Make sure you click on the "beat to death with my own shoe" link. Fucking glorious.

Anyways, I felt the need to touch on Nuug's link to an article in The Globe and Mail. The article is about a gay rights group and their objection to the use of the term "pansification".

I am all for the fags getting married, being able to vote, being able to walk down the street without getting spat on and the fact that they are humans that should not be worried about getting their heads kicked in every time they leave the house. This is not nazi Germany or Missippi in the 50's last time I checked (although there are probably still places in the world where that actually is the case, I just haven't checked those places. If they do exist, and you are reading this, I have some advice for you: leave.).

What I am NOT for is gay rights groups perpetuating stereotypes. The first definition I found referred to pansy (other than the flower) being first and foremost a term describing a man or boy as effiminate. The last thing we want is for hockey to be effimante, and personally the last thing I want taken out of the game is fighting. Add shoot-outs, get rid of icing, implement mandatory visors, make werid lines where the goalies aren't allowed to touch the puck, make the nets bigger or smaller or festoon them with pink streamers. Ok, maybe not the last thing. Point is, some if this has happened and some is probably forthcoming, but none of this shit takes away from me wanting to watch a hockey game.

By objecting to the term pansification this group is:

1) Solidifying a term that meant effiminate becoming a derogatory term for gay men.

2) Probably getting Mike Milbury into wikipedia and maybe even a dictionary (let's not forget Stephen Colbert and "truthiness") for coining a stupid term.

3) Making my fucking brain bleed on a hungover sunday.

4) Being hyper-gay.

There are some prety tough gay dudes in the world. There are some pretty pansy-ass straight dudes in the world too. Fuck Crosby looks like he's wearing lipstick, take a look at Taylor Pyatt's eyelashes. Neither are effiminate, but...

Fuck I don't even know where I was going with this...

Bottom line:

THE TERM WAS NOT FAGGIFICATION. LET. IT. GO.

The slowest three minutes in hockey. Boring Edition.

This is honestly all I have:

Nice goofy outfit.

Don wants the fighting debate to go away so we can concentrate on the "beautiful race". Is that the Leafs-Tankvares race? Or was he just talking about white power?

Don celebrating Lebanese Canadians through gritted teeth.Why is the fact that he was born in Lebanon even relevant? I get the feeling Don would not have even celebrated this fallen soldier if it hadn't been front page news out in Ontario.

That's it. I apologize for a lack of hatred, but if there's one thing I agree on with the Dunce, it's that fighting should not be abolished in hockey. So that fuckface gets off easy this week.

The Pes-Satan Project

So I figured it out this morning. I mean, obviously the Pens needed to clear some cap space for old man Guerin and Chris Cuntys, but there is actually bigger plan here. The REAL reason they sent Satan down to the minors was to develop chemistry with the most sexually volatile hockey player alive: Janne Pesonen.



Pesonen's resume includes: being a grenade specialist in the Finnish Army, leading the Finish elite league in goals and points, winning 4 championships in 6 seasons with Karpat, and being stuck in the minors for the Pittsburgh Penguins (a team that has no wingers unless you count the newly squired and aforementioned Guerin and Kunitz, or possibly Petr Suckora) for an entire season.

Satan's resume includes: Having a cool last name.



So what after they develop this chemistry you ask? Well they bring them both up to play with Geno for the playoffs, as Guerin and Suckora will be on the IR by then. What good will it do when their Center hasn't played a game with them, and the Penguins will lose two parts of their 7 game winning streak? Don't worry, it's not like Shero and Blysma came up with the plan...

AO-TV

Another day, another Ovechkin viral video popping up in the hockey blogosphere. In this instalment of AO-TV, we see our hero singing a jingle for a local DC car company. I believe he is saying "At Eastern Motors, your job's your credit", although it does sound more like "Anemic Moaners, Chewbaca read it". Either way, I want to have this guys baby (but without all the anal rape).

Travis Moen & the rest of the Deadline All-Stars.

So now that we have all had a few days to digest the majesty that is the NHL Trade Deadline, I thought it would be a good time to sum up each trade with a brief and concise evaluation for your perusing pleasure.

To Toront0: Oleg Kolzig ,some turds & a 4th
To Tampa Bay: A turd.
Evaluation: Who cares.

To Edmonton: Ales Kotalik
To Buffalo: A 2nd
Evaluation: Buffalo raped it, because Kotalik smells worse than my nuts.

To Edmonton: Patrick O'Sullivan & a 2nd
To Carolina: Eric Cole
To LA: Justin Williams
Evaluation: Never gonna pan, fucked me in my pool, never healthy. Fuck 'em.

To San Jose: Travis Moen ,Kent Huskins
To Anahiem: Nick Bonino ,Timo Pielmeier
Evaluation: A couple of current character guys for a couple of future character guys. BOW-RING.

To Chicago: Sami Pahlsson
To Anahiem: James Wisniewski
Evaluation: Shitty 3rd liner for some wank.

To Phily: Kyle McLaren.
To San Jose: Some pick
Evaluation: Whatever.

To Columbus: Kevin Lalande
To Calgary: A 4th
Evaluation: Who the fuck is Kevin Lalande? Who the fuck cares?

To Florida: Steve Eminger
To Tampa: Noah Welch & a 3rd.
Evaluation: Wait, did TB just essentailly trade Boyle for Welch? Smooooth.

To Anahiem: Erik Christensen
To Atlanta: Eric O'Dell
Evaluation: Cum.

To Buffalo: Dominic Moore
To Toronto: 2nd Round Pick
Evaluation: Dominic is more overated than his brother Steve's life.

To New York: Derek Morris
To Phoenix: Nigel Dawes, Dmitri Kalinin, Petr Prucha
Evaluation: I would like to put all four of these guys in a blender. That is all.

To New York Rangers: Nik Antropov
To Toronto: 2nd
Evaluation: Antropov plays with Tlusty's dongo.

To Phoenix: Scottie Upshaw
To Phila: Daniel Carcillo
Evaluation: I hope Carcillo rapes Briere. I also have that guy in my fucking pool. Injury proned pile of filth.

To Pittyburgh: Bill Guerin
To Some Team: Conditional Bullshit
Evaluation: How old is Guerin now? 50? Jesus, someone put that guy out of his misery.

To Boston: Mark Recchi
To Tampa: Matt Lashoff, Martins Karsums, 2nd Rounder
Evaluation: Same with this guy, fuck. Why are these grampas still in the league? KILL YOURSELVES ALREADY!

To: Calgary: Olli Jokinen
To Phoenix: Mattew Lombardi, Brandon Prust, & a 1st
Evaluation: Olli Jokinen is one of the ugliest people on the planet.

To: Somewhere: Steve Montador
To: Some other place: Petteri Nokelainen
Evaluation: (Fart Noises)

To Buffalo: Mikael Tellqvist
To: Phoenix: 4th Round Draft Pick
Evaluation: I remember when I was a kid, everytown had an Arcade. It was a great place to either play a game of Marble Madness, or buy drugs. I miss those.

To Pittsburgh: Andy Wozniewski
To St.Louis: Danny Richmond
Evaluation: Wait, I thought that guy was traded to Anahiem for Pahlsson already? What the hell?

To Calgary: Jordan Leopold
To Colorado: Lawrence Nycholet ,Ryan Wilson ,2nd Round Draft Pick
Evaluation: Leopold is an overrated cunt.

To Ottawa: Pascal Leclaire
To The Ohio Players: Antoine Vermette & a pick
Evaluation: I hate french people.


PS - The burger at the top is indeed a Big-Mac infused with a McChicken.

All Apologies. Part Dunce. Droppin' balls...Droppin F-Bombs.

OOOOOOOOH fuck kids. I seldom apologize, especially on this blog. HOWEVER, I am back at my antics of missing Coach's Corner. Truth be told, I cut my cable and have cut back on drinking as well (I know, shame on me). Anyways, it was brought to my (short) attention (span) today at work, by a co-worker, that my favorite subject, the Dawn Shurry, ripped into #8 this past weekend on his show. I was aghast, more with myself than the idea of Chirpy beaking about something stupid. I vowed to go home and seek out this crime against my favorite hockey player. Then I totally forgot about it. Then I was reading some great shit over @ Bangin Panger and I noticed there was a post there. Then I remembered my mission. Without ado:

Don is wearing an RCMP tie. This gets me excited. More so to do with the Vancouver RCMP and their situation in the media, revolving around the death of that polish dude at the airport. I beleive it had something to do with him holding a stapler and that being cause for tazing the shit out of him.Then something about them getting all the officers involved together for some sort of meeting before they went to trial. I am no legal expert, but I know the one time I've been on the stand, I was told by the lawyer not to talk about it with the other witnesses. It's a media feeding frenzy with good reason. I hope they ban those fucking things. I do dumb shit ALOT when I am wasted (though I have yet to entertain the idea of not lying down when 4 cops come at me), and my shitty ticker would kick a big one if I got zapped.

OFF ON A TASTELESS TANGENT!! Back to the mission at hand:

Donce starts talking about how George Laraques needs to be more like Bob Probert. Is it just me, or does Don seem to pick on alot of guys that don't act like the drug involved players of the 80's? Probert was mean cause the day after a night of lasers equates a terrible depletion of serotonin, it makes you mad, thus why Probert never had many minors, he'd had too many majors the night before.

CUE THE PROBERT YOUTUBE MIXTAPE YEEEEEEEEEEYA BOYYYYE!!


Byron Bitz... "too bad his first name wasn't Tim... get it?" Too bad your name wasn't "Doughnut eating borscht face".

"Steve Mason. Rookie of the year." Then Don points out, directing it at Brian Burke, how the Leafs passed up on Mason for names such as Tlusty, Kulemin in the 2006 draft (BTW his delivery on these names was amazing. It felt like I was 10 and watching my friend call the local Chinese delivery and asking for Chicken Chow Meow). That's fucking special Don. Do you know who the Anaheim Mighty Dicks drafted that year? Mark Mitera (? and a yankee btw) and Bryce Swan (?). Fucking awesome!!!!! And all these players were taken before Mason by the fucking way you fucking d fucking nozzle. I am cheering SO FUCKING HARD for Pekka Rinne to win the calder now it isn't even funny. I am going to buy some Baby Duck to celebrate in case he wins.

OK.So. Here comes Don's attack, I'll post the link the boys @ BP had up as I assume it entails most of what I just heard.


1)For Douche to compare AO to a soccer player is despicable. Remember when AO went into the boards and it looked like his year was over? Remember when he got up and skated to the bench, pissed off, but obviously hurt? Remember he didn't miss a game? Fucking tough bastard I say.

2) Exciting players are what any pro sports league needs. They sell seats. They make you want to watch the games. I am not dying to watch the Sedins cycle the puck game in and out (although effective). I am not dying to watch Tim Duncan go "the big fundametal" on it (although effective). I am not dying to watch Jamie Moyer pitch a game with off-speed pitches (although effective). And I am not dying to watch Trent Dilfer manage the Bucs to a Superbowl win (although effective). You know what I like to watch (all death aside)?
Superstars do their shit and know that they rocked our fucking minds doing it. The only problem I have with the NFL these days is that they took away TD celebrations that are pre-concieved. Anyway that a player or team wants to celebrate something is just the cherry on top if you ask me.

3)"He's got a free ride." Then Don calls him a goof. THEN Don goes on to say "someone's gonna cut him in half, goof!...Same church, different pew" HOLY FUCKING SHIT...WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY? WHY THE FUCK DO WE WANT TO SEE OVECHKIN GET CUT IN HALF?? I hope you get a fucking dumptruck on your fucking head Cherry. And I will burn every newspaper, vigil, anything I can get my hands on that is in your memory. I hope you fucking die, douche, and I hope, if I ever reproduce (lord forbid) that they never, EVER ask who you were.

Fuck your church.

Fuck your corner.

Go fuck yourself.

Fucker.

Quick!! LOOK!!!

It's rare this happens, although it's been this way for at least a week or so...

Pretty neat! I guess that's what happens when the South East div is actually a decent division, rather than the drunken catfish they have been in years past.