Mind Over Puck

Okay, we're right into the heart of the dog-days of summer and the current NHL off-season is no different (looong days filled with meaningless blather and beer). So, to turn the tide and beat the heat this post is about the dog-days of winter that are upcoming and how the Flint Generals have mounted a full-on frontal-lobe assault on these so called dog-days. Actually, are there "dog-days" in winter? Shouldn't it be the "cat-days" of winter or do dogs suffer both summer and winter equally? The answer is: who cares, let's move on.

The Generals have apparently acquired the services of a "hypnotherapist", John Tomlinson, to help out their men with the mid-season blues that happen in mid-February. Yes, that's a great idea because who wouldn't be more accepting of a pseudoscience that fucks with your mind's-eye than a bunch of semi-shitty IHL* hockey players who can't even tell their girlfriends that they kinda like that old Enya song.

"This is an opportunity to have a guy in here to talk about their minds."(Smith, coach of the Generals).

Look, I'm all for "new" techniques that may or may not lead to the discovery of a super-human hockey player but I think they're barking up the wrong tree (yeah, that was a bad dog pun...and right there was another, but I digress or some such thing). These guys probably just need a hot meal and some good hookers to get themselves out of the dreaded February funk. I would like to see what hypnotherapy could do at the NHL level.....could Ovechkin score from his own red-line? Could the Canadiens' management quit smoking?

If you read the preceding link I shouldn't have to point out the irony involved in hiring a specialist in golf hypnotherapy to help out hockey players, so I won't.


*IHL - It's the International Hockey League....with all teams located in the USA.....and within an 8 hour bus ride of Flint. I guess "Interstate Hockey League" was taken.

PS - The Flint Generals just signed Matt Spezza, the younger brother of Jason Spezza. Matt's a goalie. Something tells me Jason killed his younger brother's confidence in goaltending from an early age...I hope that hypno-whatever works on goalies too.

I was born to love you, indeed.

Japan is a strange place. It's a land where honor and respect are a necessity worth fighting and dying for, and game shows molest highschool virgins on public transit for wonderous cash and prizes. That why when they decide to produce a Hockey themed television drama, you have to pay attention.

"Pride" is a popular new show in Japan, that follows a young professional hockey player, (Halu Satonaka), playing forward for the corporate Blue Scorpions. He likes to spend his days fighting with his new coach, (Yuichiro Hyodo), who has an unorthodox style, but a mean temper, and his nights with the ladies (slutty extras). Now I know what your thinking, this show already has it all, but it gets better. The shows theme song is not only "I was born to love you" by Queen, but all of the music in the show is by Queen. Finally, a show that mixes my three loves of Hockey, Queen, and Japanese sluts. Are you listening HBO???

The Daily Mats Sundin Report

The Hollywood Reporter has reported that Mats has signed on to play the title character in the upcoming Oliver Stone Biopic "La Guardia". The epic 4 hour motion picture will follow the notorious NYC Mayor in his dealings in WWII. It is said to co-star Katherine Keener as his wife Irene Luzzato, and fellow NHL allum, Vicent Riendeau as Winston Churchill. Nobody from the Sundin camp could be reached for comment.

Радулова is the straw that broke Nashville's back.

Alexander Radulov was introduced to the bread lines (Read: Media) in Russia Today as he tries on his new uniform for the staff of the Ramada Inn. I can't wait until Alex and Jaromir and the rest of the clowns experience their first Russian Winter Road Trip on a bus. I can see them now, trying desperately to call their agents on their cell phones screaming "Das reception is dis shit. Amv getting no barrrs".

Quick note, I do realize that that was a German accent, but the I don't know how to type a Russian accent. Come to think of it, I don't know how to type a German accent either.

Theo Fleury is the Michael Jordan of hockey.

Little Theo, (Tip: don't call him that when he's been drinking), has a new plan that may or may not include a Substance Abuse and Behavioral Health Program. He is going to play baseball. Fleury is planning on suiting up for the Calgary Vipers of the Northern Baseball League this weekend, against the Yuma Scorpions. Quick question, where the fuck is Yuma? Another quick question, what the fuck is the Northern Baseball League?

Sooo, based on his previous experiences with semi-pro leagues I have never heard of, this should go about as smoothly as a bear in a honey tree. But in this case the bear is a tiny alcoholic ex-hockey player, and the honey is most likely an innocent bystander that was given free tickets to a "baseball game". I hope that poor bastard has medical. Play Ball!

Oh, and one more thing, the Northern League has an Edmonton franchise named the Cracker Cats. I just imagine the logo being the side profile of a white guy, a la Blackhawks.

Gary Bettman is a bear.

So if you haven't checked out the Gary Bettman: Portraits of Heroism, 'Flickr gallery', then fuck you. It is the result of a Puck Daddy contest that may or may not have concluded (that kind of knowledge is strictly for people that read the entire paragraph). It is full of semi-good, and good-good, photoshoped Bettman heads on movie posters, and shit like that. I give the whole effort a solid 4 out of 5 floating hotdogs.

The Big Question

Q: So what adult beverage does "Sid the Kid" drink?

A: Jack Daniels or Crown Royal.

Great Hockey Quotes Part 2

"You don"t have enough talent to win on talent alone." -Herb Brooks



"The only difference between the Coyotes and ‘Days of Our Lives’ is that nobody has been shot on our team yet." -Jeremy Roenick



"I was a multi-millionaire from playing hockey. Then I got divorced, and now I am a millionaire." -Bobby Hull



"By the age of 18, the average American has witnessed 200,000 acts of violence on television, most of them occurring during Game 1 of the NHL playoff series." -Steve Rucchin



"He said he wanted to go play in his home country, and village, I guess every village needs an idiot" -Mike MIlbury on Ziggy Palffy

The Daily Mats Sundin Report

The Goteborgs-Posten reported this morning that Mats is sitting at home on his couch, drinking coffee and reading a book. Nobody from the Sundin camp could be reached for comment.

Petr Nedvěd is a lucky loser.

Petr Neved is apparently going to join the New York Rangers in training camp this september in hopes of cracking the line-up and winning a new NHL contract. This is kind of weird for a few reasons. First, Petr is 37, and second, Petr is not very good at hockey. Nedved is one of those weird players that your not sure if he was a dud or not. He was drafted 2nd overall by Vancouver in 1990 ahead of Jagr, Primeau, Hatcher, Tkachuk and Brodeur which isn't a good start. He then went on to have decent career numbers, with 717 Points in 981 games, but almost all of that (521 Points) came with either Mario and the Pittsburgh All-Stars, or Mess & The Millionaires in New York. Who didn't get points with those teams? Look at guys like Rob Brown (115 Points in 68 Games) playing in the black and yellow, or John Cullen who had two 90+ point seasons in steel town. He didn't do shit for any of the other teams he was on (Van, St.Louis, Edmonton, Phoenix, or Phily). Even when you put it all aside, Petr Nedved is just not good enough to be in the NHL anymore. Maybe he could go back to his friends in the IHL where he hid out with the Las Vegas Thunder for a spell in '97. Or maybe he can just sleep with Veronica Varekova on top of a pile of money. Either way.

Hejduk is a newborn baby.

NHL Star, and human band-aid, Milan Hejduk told some bong-bong language website that he is planning on retiring from hockey at the end of his current contract with the Colorado Avalanche. His knee has apparently taken on the consistency of warm butter, and it "hurts to be alive". MIlan has 2 years / 8Mil left on his current contract.

So long Hedge Duck, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

Sean Avery can't keep his dick in his pants.

I don't want to go into too much depth on this because I'm sure I'll be writing essentially the same post every week for the next foreseeable future, but NHL Herpes Generator, Sean Avery, has decided rub up against Calvin Kleins ex-wife Kelly Klein (who is like 70 years old).

Apparently Sean buys into the Quantity, not Quality motto when it comes to the ladies. I for one would rather stick my dick in a rattlesnake than anyone over 50. It just seems so,...you know...ewwww.

Also, Sean is pimping suits with shorts instead of pants. What the fuck is wrong with that guy? Someone needs to lock him in a room with Nolan Ryan for a few hours. I figure we would open the door and either find a fine young man with a good work ethic and a nice haircut, or a bloody sack and a note on it with directions to the dump.

February. 28 2010 12:15pm

The 2010 Olympic Committte announced it's schedule of events today, or as everyone else calls it, "When the fuck is the Men's Hockey Gold Medal Game?" I for one would like to see a Kazak Vs. Japan final. That Yutaka Fukufuji can really draw a crowd.

The Daily Mats Sundin Report

Fox News reported moments ago that Mats is planning on throwing his hat into the race for President of the United States of America. It is believed that Mats would run as the candidate for the once defunct Canadian Social Credit Party. It is not known as to whether or not Mats is aware that he is not even eligible for the position, but either way he has allegedly named former Bruin Ken Hodge Jr. as his running mate. Nobody from the Sundin camp could be reached for comment.

HockeyDump: Now Shittier!

USA Hockey Magazine has named it's Top 10 Best Hockey blogs, and once again, they have decided to give HockeyDump the big shaft. This really burns considering we have been operating for less than 2 weeks now, and have a travel size readership. How dare they rank the likes of Bob McKenzie, or Kukla's Korner ahead of us? Is it because we are to much for your precious ears? Or is because you have never "heard of us". Either way we take this as a personal slap in the face! I vow hat we will crack the top 1000 Hockey Blogs in the next 5 years, or my name isn't HockeyTard, MD.

Note: Congrats to Kukla's on coming in first. They really are the best.

Note 2: Coloring Contest! Color the HockeyDump Dino to win COLD HARD CASH!

The Daily Mats Sundin Report

Owl magazine has reported that Mats was seen galavanting around Venice Beach last night with Joan of Arcadia star, Amber Tamblyn. The two were said to be shopping for hand crafted pipes made by local artisans, and anything that would "alter their perception of reality, man". Nobody from the Sundin camp could be reached for comment.

Winnipeg Jets 1972 - 1996

Poor, poor Winnipeg. I feel for you. You want your team back sooo badly, but it's never going to happen. Think about all of the city's in North America that have no team, and have waay more people, and waaay more TV sets. Big bad Gary would rather fold a team than send it north. And even if, let's say, Gary got really drunk one night and decided to move a team to Canada, do you really think that you are first on that list? Sorry, but it just ain't so. Realistically Hamilton is ahead of you, and maybe even Quebec City, and Halifax as well. Listen, just because it's absolutely fucking hopeless, doesn't mean you should give up. Here is a short list of things you could do to improve your chances...

1. Get more than 700,000 people to live there. Maybe ask Saskatoon and Regina to come over for a play date.
   
2. Don't be so cold. It's just unpleasant.
   
3. The flys are too big. Maybe get some raid or something.
   
4. Build a real arena next time. That last one was kind of a joke.
   
5. Have you tried joining America? They may let you in, look at Green Bay.
6. Do you have any rich friends?
7. Have you tried Praying?
8. Have yo tried violence? Historically, that has worked for a lot of people.
9. Maybe rename the town? New York 2 isn't taken.
10. Maybe you should drink more. It won't bring you your Jets back, but it will make it feel better....for a while...then it gets worse...soooo much worse.

Check out some more ideas here, at JetsOwner.com

Scotty Bowman clearly remembers WWII.

Hall of Fame coach, and nine time Stanley Cup Campion Scotty Bowman left the comforts of Detroit to take postion of Senior Advisor of Hockey Operations for the Chicago Blackhawks this morning. I guess the big question is, why? Is it because he sees no room for advancement in HockeyTown? Is it because he feels he could use a new challenge in his life? Or maybe it's just to be closer to his son, who is the Assistant GM of the Hawks. These are all very plausible reasons, but I believe it's something much simpler. I think Grampa Scotty may have been bitten by the senility bug.

You see, this happens to 75 year old men from time to time. They just wake up one day and go wondering, and sometimes find themselves in another city. It's Ken Hollans fault for not putting one of those identity bracelets on his wrist. He probably wondered into the local Piggly Wigglys with his pants off, and the police just took him to the nearest hockey franchise in hopes someone knew who he was. But it's not all pant shitting for Bowman, he has many qualities he can bring to the Chicago table. He could be in charge of eating dinner at 4pm, or driving 60 kms on the highway. And if someone in the office needs some toffee, or one of those pill holders, with the different days of the week on them, he will be the first one on the case. Yes sir, Scotty Bowman is a fine and logical addition to the youth movement of the BlackHawks. It's just weird how Detroit didn't seem to put up much of a fight.

Note: The hockey card above is older than Mats Sundin. Bowman is 50 in it....FUCKING 50!

Roy jr. also a spaz.

Jonathon Roy (Son of Patrick) was officially charged today with assault, and unofficially charged with being a piece of shit, after he attacked a man 90 feet away from him, unprovocted, during a QMJHL playoff game last spring. And what a fucking surprise this is, the King of assholes raised a son that is equally, if not more, prone to solving his problems with violence and over-reacting to seemingly common situations. I mean, we all remember his father demanding a trade directly to the owner of the Habs, during a fucking game, all because the coach had the audacity to allow Roy to let in a weeks worth of goals in half a game. And how can we forget the time his wife locked her ass in the bathroom in fear, and Patty ripped the door off the hinges. What a calm and rational person. At least his son is a shitty goalie, and is only on the team because daddy bought it. I would fucking claw my eyes out if I had to undergo another 15 some odd years of watching a Roy spread his shit across the ice of 29 other cities. I think the Canadian Federal Government should do the rest of the country, and world for the matter, and dip the Roy Sacks in a deep fat fryer, so we don't have to put up with any more of their shit. At least then we could move on to the Belfours. Man, don't get me started on those clowns.

The Daily Mats Sundin Report

The Village Voice has reported that Mats is currently in talks with The New York Titans of the National Indoor Lacrosse Association, to coach the team in the up coming campaign. It is speculated that the offer could be a long term deal that would see the Swede earn up to $3,000 over the next 2 years, making it the most lucrative in league history. Nobody from the Sundin camp could be contacted for comment.

Note: If you have any photos or crude drawings of Mats, please send them in. We are running out, big time.