Mike Gillis makes his first drunk phone-call as GM.

Because you can never have enough sub-par backups.

Latino Alaskans get all the play around here.

Now normally I don't like to just A) post funny clips from YouTube in loo (sp?) of "actual content", not that what we generally serve up here can actually be considered "actual content". And B) This clip is hardly worth it, but it made me laugh out loud, and I figure that was worth the price of admission by itself.

Note: Scott Gomez just won 10 HockeyDump points.

Note 2: These points can be redeemed at your local mother's house.

Note 3: I forgot to tell you I stole this from the boys over at here.

Blind people are funny.

Let me just start by saying bravo. I'm not sure what European, Bong-Bong league that clip came from, but as long as the goaltenders celebrate all their saves with elaborate prop based comedy, I'm in. I would also like to commend the net-minders brave choice in including the mockery of people with handicaps in his joyess rampage. Was it necessary? Absolutely not. But Necessary doesn't get you the coveted "HockeyDump Best minor league or other goaltender celebration that we found on YouTube by accident award of the day award*" does it.

*Award may not exist.

World Junior Chumpionships

Canada 15
Kazakhstan 0

Did this game really need to be played? This is cruel.

Happy Dunce Year, Fuckfaces!

Okay, jizzmoppers, here we go. The shit I learned from Dongy-Dong-Dongle Chezwick tonight on Coach's Corner, is as follows:



It's a good thing that hockey is played in slow motion. Cause that's how Dongle likes it. That's why anytime a player goes into the boards with an opposing player's stick in the general vicinity of their feet, it's obvious that there was malicious intent (although if you're Justin Williams you're still a "good kid" and you don't get the full Chezzy berating). I wish sex was in slow motion the other night, maybe then I could have stopped my dick from jackhammering, mid-thrust, into my girlfriend's chode.



Ron McClean isn't supposed to ask Dongle questions about Sid the Skid unless he has consulted him before hand. Maybe they should take the 10 second muzzle off and Ron and Dongle can just tape it in bed together when they wake up.



Skidmark Crosby is in a funk because he signs hockey sticks for people. I guess if all the NHL Superstars go back to the old school way of fucking hookers, doing blow and whatnot before games, shit would be good.



Without Geezer Roberts and Ryan Malone (he's having a great year without Crosby) the Pens are not the same team. I think he meant that in a negative way...?

Don Cherry laughed when they put a black man on screen for the juniors. Seriously. There was nothing funny he was interjecting, they just splashed a clip of the kid (PK Subban) and he started chuckling. Holy Shit. Are my taxes still paying this guy?



Take fighting tips from Wayne Gretzky. Ok, I admit it's BS to have a visor on during a fight and Wayne should have been mad. But who takes fighting tips from Little Miss Muffet? While on the subject, notice how he abslutely layed into Artyukhin for it, but the fact Clutterbuck did it was forgivable? Russinas give us Vodka Dongle. You should be sucking his 80 proof cacksnaggle.



Collapse is an intellectual's word. Really? Because coach Dongle used to call it "coming in" anyone who uses the correct term (collapsing in the defensive zone) is an intellectual? This is actually the best point he's ever made, as most crackheads have more brains in the tip of their coke nail than Dongle has in his entire pruny body.



Dead soldiers are "beautiful boys". We were treated to another war glorification, in which Dongle also managed to put his latent homosexuality front and center with his comment.

This was probably a little over the top, but I had to make up for lack of posts lately. Banzai!

Side Note: I still don't have photoshop, I'm using Paint.net, which, although free, is a poor substitute. Can we start a donation to buy me phtoshop or what?

Wayne as a girl makes me gay.

Ok now. First I would like to say that I hope some of you had a nice Christmas or whatever it is your fancy religion celebrates this time of year.

Second-of-ly, I would like to say that the pic above is wonderous for at least three reasons.

Reason 1: I am a big supporter of shitty photoshopping. It really is the fuel of the intenet. Without it we would not know what cats are really thinking, or what that girl on the TV would look like with really big jugs. (Note: HockeyDumper Spec7ral is a great contributor to Bad Photoshopping on the Internet, and this is a public request for him to donate his talents to this blog a little more often.)

Reason 2: It's not at all funny, which in turn makes it amazingly funny. Nobody cares about the Coyotes, and there was no demand for a photograph based pun of their plight. This photo is kind of like Telemundo. It's amazing because I'm a racist.

Reason 3: Why is Tyra Banks still there? Seriously, it adds such a beautiful and odd undertone to the whole thing. It makes me want to punch myself in the dick. But in a good way.

Bonus reason: Wayne as a girl makes me gay.

Now go ahead and do your friends a favor and forward this pic to all your friends. They will thank you for it in the end.

Snow Daze.

Been a while...

Basically, Towers and I have been trapped in the snow doing the airport shufle for the last better part of a week or so, and Spec7ral has been manning the fort all lonesome like. So...ya. At least nothing good has happened. Hockey gets really slow around this time of year and makes the blogging world basically make a choice of shutting down, or spew some bullshit out at you. I like to think we are doing a bit of both.

So Happy Holidays from the fuckwads here at HockeyDump. We hope you die less.

Cheers.

Davey

Toilet or Bin?

Eat it Cuntknucklers.

P.S. Mike Gillis' greatest achievement, at least the way he's telling it, and he can't comb his hair, shave or stop drinking for a day? This team looks worse that the ten day old liver stains in my inner toilet bowl. What a joke. Eat it you assfucks. DIE DIE DIE!!!

It's finally over.

Let the excuses begin.

Black Velvet of MY dreams...

Charles fucking Nelson fucking Reilly.

La La La

If you like bad acting, at least 1 1/2 star rookies, and black guys, then you are going to love this new All-Star video by the LA Kings.



My favorite part is when Anze looked like a middle aged alcoholic. Good times.

Top 10 laziest bloggers of all time.

You know what I like? great fucking bodychecks.

You know what I like even more? Other peple doing my work for me.

That is why I'm glad I stubbled across AskMen.com's Top 10 BodyCheck of All-Time. It allows me to create a great post without all the trouble of actually creating a great post.

So to sum all this up...

1) I'm a lazy pile of shit.

2) Here are the Top 10 BodyChecks of All-Time.

3) I'm using the pic of the hotdog because I already had it n my desktop, and I need a nap.

"I need to hear truths I haven't heard before" - Dwayne Hoover, Breakfast of Champions

Sundin is a useless piece of cunt meat. That little flap that, although you never see it, causes that slight chaffe on your cock in between your circumcized toque and your god given man mast (un-cut men should not read this column).

Seriously... fuck fantasy/pool hockey gambling. Who the fuck does this dipshit think he is?

Oh hey, I can go home to mom and eat some swedish meatballs for 6 fucking months. Then I can go for a fucking lollygag and do some poker advertising. And then I can sit around and stick my own cock so far up my own fucking asshole that I finally bust the first load of my entire useless life. Cause that's all my point-per-game carrer has been...uselesss. Toronto still sucks. I still blow. And no matter what side of the weather vane I fall upon, no team that gets me will win, because I will be a distraction.

Way to go you big ugly smiley faced albino Ronald McDonald wannabe. Just buy a fucking pistol and end the mystery already.

DEAR MATS SUNDIN: KILL YOURSELF.

Signed,

Everyone you thought gave a shit.

Side note: LOL! if you google image search "dead sundin" this blog is the first hit. WILLIAMS IS GOD!!!!

Saturday the Dunce-teenth

My apologies for my last post. I was in a drunken state of disarray after having my pad broken into and my television stolen. Being that I have all this pent up anger, I think now is a great time to let some steam off.... so without further ado:



Duncey-Boy started off his segment tonight with a brief plug for his latest Rock 'Em Sock 'Em. That's fine with me, I actually love that early part of the series, since youtube didn't exist until recently (I hope he still uses early '90's radio techno). I don't, however, agree with his comment that he "needs to make a buck". I'm pretty sure the money that clown is getting paid by the canadian taxpayers for 5 minutes work a week is more than enough. Seriously, I pay that guy, that's fucking sickening.



Duncemaster then got into how in order to be a role model, pro hockey players must show up for games in suits. Teams like Tampa Bay and Ottawa, who showed up in dress shirts that had no ties, nor were top buttoned, are "going to steal your hubcaps". He then alluded to a couple of guys on Ottawa making out with each other...WTF? It didn't even make sense... they went from being guys that would steal your car to dudes who were about to make out. I dunno, maybe the guys who stole my TV and PS3 were West End homosexuals with a penchant for crowbars and HD NHL 08.



He then went on to talk about how staying on the ice with a broken arm is a good canadian thing (being useless is canadian!). Then talked about how the Irishman was going to bring up all the AHL kids when he took over the Leafs (cause he didn't yo-yo Bobby Ryan in the minors at all).



The cherry on top (eat that pun like a rotten clam), was that he COMMENDED (not to be confused with codemned, which would have been correct) the Vancouver Canucks scouting staff. WHAT?....WHAT?!?....I'm pretty sure Mr. Williams has talked about Vancouver's scouting before so I'll leave it @ that.




PS This virtually guarantees that Cody Hodgson will be a complete bust.



PPS Random hockey comedy gold!

Ben Clymer did nothing to deserve this.

Gretzky, Orr, Howe, Clymer.

All these names instantly flood many fans with images of Stanley Cups and Hockey Glory. They are all icons that helped reshape the game and bring joy and passion into the hearts of hockey fans around the world. They are all living legends. All except for maybe Ben Clymer, who is a dirty pile of journeyman filth that isn't fit to do my laundry. And that isn't even just my bloggy opinion, that is a straight up, hard fact. Unarguable.

So why am I bringing this turd up anyways? Well my friend, I bring it up because I will take any opportunity to kick the KHL when they're down, and Ben Clymer is leading the way in fan voting for the KHL ALL-Star game. YIKES.

I can't tell you how bad this looks. A guy that couldn't find work in the American Hockey league, is amongst the Kontinental's very best. A guy who in 2001 had a career year with 34 points in 81 games. Wow. Ben Clymer shouldn't be on an All-Star team in prison let alone a "professional" league somewhere. If I was Russia, I would be hiding this info like a weapon of mass destruction. That shit is just embarrassing.

And yes, I do realize that this story isn't exactly all that "interesting", but I haven't posted in a while, and Spec7ral just had all his shit stolen, and Towers is god knows where. Soooo,...ya.

What it feels like for a girl.

Hey,

Y'all ever came home to the idea of watching the monday nighter and realized that crackheads stole you TV and PS3? No? Well it sucks. Take my word for it.

Then watch whatever shitty game you are granted and never speak with me again.

Merry fucking Xmas.

Mr. Angry no-tv Cunt.

PS this is actually true.

The State of Cheese

Actual Poll Question from page 15 of this months issue of Sports Collector's Monthly:

Which team will have the most points at the All-Star break?

a) Los Angeles Kings

b) Carolina Blue Jackets


Wow...

So first, I don't know what I like better, the fact that they have included the Los Angeles Kings in the conversation, or the fact that they have also added a team that doesn't even exit.

Also, I would like to add that question 22 claims that Presidents Trophy is awarded to the highest scoring team (when it's the team with the most points),and question 18 gives the options of Price, Giguere and an injured Brodeur as Vezina candidates.

But the best part of this amazing piece of spots journalism has to be the opening paragraph...no shit, this is it....

"Have you ever been watching a game and the announcer says something so utterly ridiculous it leaves you wondering how he was granted his press credentials and perhaps more importantly, how he got to be a so called expert?"

It then goes on to self congratulate it's staff for being "typically right on the money".

In case you were wondering, Sports Collector's Monthly is based in Wisconsin. Yup, THAT Wisconsin. God Bless America.

Andy Murray is a fucking dipshit

When asked about the Sean Avery remarks and suspension, Murray responded by pointing out Plaxico Buress' recent suspension from the NFL for (alledgedly) shooting himself in the leg. It's good to know this old fuck thinks that making disparraging remarks to reporters about a hole you used to discharge your wad into, is akin to discharging your gat into your leg in public. What a schmeg of cockrot.

In other non-hockey-related news, OJ cried like his dead wife's family as he pleaded not to go to jail. It's funny, he used to play football with Dick Butkus, and now... well, you know...

Kane and Toews become awesome.

So Patty Kane and Jonny Tazer decided to become legit dudes. Check it out:





Toews' advert wins (even if he's not going to the All-Star game), as they diss the English and soccer. Why is it that Chicago and Washington have the coolest dudes in hockey, and Canadian teams don't have a single ounce of personality on their rosters combined?

Also, Toews rips because of this:



That's the best hockey interview I've ever seen. Short, sweet and sweary.

Two Peas in a Pod

Brian Burke has announced that he is seeking to get Dave Nonis in on his new Maple Leaf regime. Now, not only will Toronto have to increase its supply of potatoes and Jameison's, the city's restaurants will also have to start locking their lard dumpsters.

Sean Avery didn't say anything that isn't 100% true.

"I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about. Enjoy the game tonight."



By now you have all heard what Sean said, and have probably already made up your mind on what side of the fence you fall, so I'm not going to to preach to you one way or another, I'm just going to say that there are a lot of whiney bitches out there in the blogosphere, and most to all of you need to have your diapers changed.

Fuck you,

-Davey

PS - Avery is one of only a small handfull of hockey players that aren't boring as shit.

PPS - Bettman can't market hockey.

PPPS - Sean Avery didn't say anything that isn't 100% true.

PPPPS - I guess I am going to preach a little.

PPPPPS - But still, fuck you.

Frost, Danton, the internet, and a terrible dream.

Wow...

You just can't make this shit up

It seems like a comedic bit, but....yikes. This is happening.

Former player agent and current creepy mother fucker, David Frost has decided to throw his hat into the world of online hockey with his own website. He calls it "HockeyGod.com", and bills himself as hockey's #1 bad boy. Which is weird, because you would think he would refer to himself by his birth name of "Sex Offender".

I guess it's going to be just like all the other shitty hockey sites out there excet this one will have the prespective of someone that carried on Charlie Manson like relationships with NHL players.

This is all quite odd and all, but the BEST part is when you realize there is going to be a section where you can read the jailhouse ramblings of Mike Danton, the guy who tried to hire a hit man to kill Frost. Fucking amazing.

I hope this website takes off, just so David has to be awarded some sort of media accreditation and is let into pres row at The Air Canada Center or somewhere else that's as far away from me as possible. I mean COME ON! How is this actually fucking happening? Am I on crazy pills????

So I highly suggest you check it out here, just so you can see I'm not lying, then never ever visit there again. Ever. EVER.

The slowest three minutes in hockey Part IV

Things I learned tonight from Dunce Cherry:

1) Mike Grier has eyes in the back of his head.

2) 3 seconds in a slow motion replay are equivalent to 3 seconds real time in a game situation.

3) Dunce is a mind reader.

4) Joe Thornton is the best player in the game because a Frenchman scored on a wrap around.

5) Evgeni Malkin is a selfish bastard (and not the best player in the game) because he scored instead of passing on an empty net, with 7 seconds left in a game (for a hat trick that he didn't celebrate...).

6) Brian Burke is going to turn the leafs around by adding a bunch of tough guys.

7) Dale Tallon is a cool guy, due to something that has to do with 19 Canadians and 1 European.

8) The leafs fucking blow almost as hard as Cherry does. (I actually worked this one out on my own)

Tony Gallagher is a fucking nonce and a ponce.

Ok, so most of you don't have to put up with Tony "Shitbag" (my new pet name for him) Gallagher's drivel. He is a hockey writer (if you can call his drivel writing) for the Vancouver Province (which shouldn't really be considered a newspaper, so maybe it shouldn't matter that he can't write). I have scarcely read the newspaper since I bought a computer 8 years ago, but sometimes (like breakfast with my slut) I pick one up and have a gander.


How the fuck does this guy get paid? I guess it helps that Vancouver only has one professional sports team due to the fact that Stu Jackson has the brain of an eagle fetus. That leads to 5 or 6 pages of stories about the Canucks in the province the day after every game. About 2 or 3 every other day, offseason included. I guess that is pretty great, if you are into finding out which way Demitra's cock was hanging when he tipped his last goal in, or if you like finding out what colour bra Ryan Walter is planning on wearing for the next game.

Anyways, this Gallagher Shitbag can't come up with a cohesive thought, hold it, or put it to paper to save his ugly fucking face. His writing style is so long winded and self-gloryfying I felt like I was listening to an Obama speech about hockey (that was Palin's gig muhfucka!) when I rad his column the other day. So ya, FUCK TONY GALLAGHER AND THE FUCKING SKATES HE RODE IN ON...bitch.

Hopefully, someday, he gets the same treatment as this Gallagher. Maybe it will knock some sense into him...



Side note: I love how the Oasis guy waits for the posse to subdue the guy before he starts acting the role. Fucking wank.

James VanRiemsdyk likes to act his age.

Poor James VanRiemsdyk. He is entering the NHL in the digital era, and is joining the likes of Ryan Kesler, Evgeni Malkin, Jordan Staal, Jordan Tootoo, Alex Radulov, and of course, Lil' Tlusty, (as well as countless others), as young NHLers that have been forced to share their private shames with the public via internet.

I for one applaude young Jimmy Vans binge drinking and choice in friends. It makes him more human. Have we all not been in his shoes at one time or another? Have we all not had a midnight conversation with God on the porcelain telephone? Have we all not awoken to the glories of a blurry night gone awry? Of course we have. It's all a part of growing up and testing boundries (and of course it's a fuck load of fun). The only difference between James and Stan Mikita, is Stan Mikita didn't have o deal with the likes of shitty blogs like this one, shoving his own shit back into his asshole.

So go forward sweet James, nobody will even remember this in a week. Except me. And I have a blog. Yikes.

Girl Fight!

Stamkos got in his first fight with fellow pussy Nikki Zherdev yesterday. It was about as dissapointing as both of their careers combined (so far).

Disturbing Update!: So it turns out that I was beaten to the punch on theis scoop (two posts ago). Maybe I should start reading this blog before I post in it. Maybe I should do a lot of things...

Dykes on Ice (or maybe something less offensive).

3 or 4 months ago, it was written in this blog that it was not in our intentions to become the TMZ of hockey blogs, but....

That but has arrived, as we are now linking to stories posted by TMZ.

So the basic story here is that a washed up actress that used to be into rich and famous lesbians that could further her career, was at a Canucks game, and a dude in a whale costume pretended to eat her. So where's the interesting part? Thee isn't one. BUT, TMZ was nice enough to come up with the best headline ever, just for you. How nice.

Also, lesbians.

Zheredev thinks he is Jarome Iginla

So you may have seen the highlights last night, but you may have not, so here is the video:


So the announcers are pretty into the fact that Stamkos is going at it. That's all fine and great, but I am pretty into the fact that Zherdev is the dude that goes after him. That is a Euro! That is sweet. The NHL needs more -200lb first round Ukrainian enforcers. Cause that's what will get the average american into watching the NHL. Speaking of America, Happy Thanksgiving and Black Friday to our American reader. I am off to eat some Turducken and watch some football, since there are no exciting NHL teams allowed to play today.

Lee, Carlo, Alex and Meatballs.

Lee Stempniak for Alex Steen and Carlo Coliaicovo, huh?

Well I can't say that I'm a fan of this deal all that much, mostly because I think the Leafs got the better end of the trade, and I hate the leafs with all my heart. I think I would rather watch Grey's Anatomy, than the leafs do well. It makes me sick to my stomach whenever they win. I wish them a very horrible and painful death. I hope their friends and families spontaneously ignite into flames. I hope that the whole city of Toronto gets hit by a terrorist attack. Every moment that the Leafs exist proves that God does not exist. But I digress....

The trade seemed a little odd to me because of a couple of reasons.

1) Why would St.Louis trade a guy they drafted and nurtured into a point a game guy, for a couple of shit nuggets that Toronto clearly had given up on? It just doesn't add up to me.

2) Isn't Burke supposed to be taking over there anytime now? Shouldn't you lay off of moving anyone until the new chef arrives? Maybe he liked Steen? Maybe he had other plans for him? Maybe you shouldn't let grampa drive someone else's car?

So basically, if by the end of the season it looks like St.Louis got raped in this thing, I will march around proclaiming that I am the smartest man in the room, but if Steen shows up, I will erase this post and deny all involvement.

Why am I still typing, dinner is ready.

MEATBALLS!

So long Canucks, have a nice Entry Draft.

So it would appear that Bob Luongo has had his groin pulled on, and in turn has flushed the Canucks hopes and dreams down the poop shoot with it. I just can't wait for the pundits to come out and say this is a great opportunity for Curtty Sanford to show what he is made of. I will tell you right now what he is made of, flesh, bone and 500 hockey. That should be good for that perfect middle where you don't make the playoffs, but you also don't get a great draft pick. I like to call it the Maple Leaf Zone.



But then again, Roberto could be back by Monday, in which case you should just disregard this post and concentrate on this instead.

The Rheostatics aren't doing anything to help with Canadian stereotypes.

So I figured that because he is geting his jersey raised to the rafters this weekend, we should either make a few "purse" comments, or just throw on The Ballad of Wendel Clark. And because copying and pasteing is easier than not, here is the Rheostatics.



Also, Wendel carried a purse.

Probert Vs Skeletor

Also, why was Skeletor's pet panther's name "Panther"? Thats the laziest writting since HockeyBuzz. Zing!

If I wanted my comeback, I'd scrape the roof of your mother's mouth (or something less Spec7ral-esque).

Dear Claude Lemieux,

Comebacks. They're are a pretty special thing, huh? It's a great way to prove to yourself, family and your fans, that even though you may be in your mid forties, you are still the same guy that had a couple of good playoffs like a decade ago. And where would be the best place to do this? The NHL of course. But wait? Nobody in the NHL wants you? Is it because in you last season like 5 years ago, you scored 6 points in 36 games? Hmmm,...that's odd. Normally teams would be jumping out of their seats to find a guy that can put up those numbers. Well maybe you can play in the AHL, or Europe? NO? They think you are just a washed up old man as well huh? I know! You can swallow your ridiculous fantasy of playing hockey at an even remotely competitive level, and join a league in FUCKING CHINA. Oh you have? Great. Well I guess I see you NEVER then.


Cheers,


Jim Peplinski's finger.

PS - Drapes says hey.

Ovechkin, Malkin & Wheeler sitting in a tree...

So I was sitting on my fat ass watching hockey this last week, when I gots to thinking about Vancouver's Roberto Luongo, and his shut-out streak. I was thinking that if anyone had a shot at breaking the 2004 Brian Boucher record of 5 consecutive shut outs, it could be him. then I got to thinking, that it's pretty amazing that Boucher, essentially and career back-up and AHLer, even had that kind of streak on his resume, esspescially since Phoenix sucked it that year. He basically gave them a reason to get excited about hockey in the dessert for a couple weeks. He basically handed Phoenix 10 points. Thats not something alot of people can say. He must be really proud. Oh, and also, he fucked that organization for at leats a decade.

So what the fuck am I babbling about? Who gives a shit about 10 points on a non-playoff team from 5 years ago anyways? Well think about it. If Boucher didn't get on that hot streak and gift wrap 10 points for the dessert dogs, they wouldn't have finished 24th in the NHL, and recieved the 5th overall pick, choose Mr.Wheeler, and watch him walk from the fanchise to go to Boston without ever playing game, but, they would have finished tied for dead last in the NHL. So what, you say? Well, if they had finished dead last that year, they would of had a pretty amazing fucking chance of bagging the 1st or at least 2nd picks that year, which turned out to be Alexander Ovechkin and Evgeni Malkin. Not too shabby.

So where would the Coyotes be if they had one of the top 3 players in the world right now? Hard to say. But you can sure as hell bet they would be better off than they would have been with a Blake Wheeler, and a 5 game game shut-out streak from half a decade ago. Don't cha thnk?

Anyways, I have to get back to sitting on my fat ass. eating cookies off of my belly. Pantless. I just thought I'd share that thought with you.

g'night.
.

The slowest 3 minutes in hockey. Ver. 3.0

Oh my good friend Dunce. Let me count the ways...

On Mark Messier "...ahh, he's American or sumpthin'." What?

On Wellwood "It's too bad I'm here on TV because 29 other dumb-dumbs passed on this kid, I coulda had him. And he was going to go to Europe!"

Picturing Don Cherry "having" Wellwood gets my gearbox going. Hearing Don Cherry claiming to be smarter than all GMs other than Mike Gillis is amazing.

On Brian Burke "He'll get some Canadians on this team (Leafs) and turn the ship around!"

The only Canadian ship turner they will get is Tavares, and even Milbury could figure that one out. It must also feel good to be a Canadian on the Leafs and be referred to as some sort of second rate garbage. Fucking Racist.

I apologize for not having more an opinion on this segment, I just got in and turned it on about halfway through. Probably for the best.

And now, Don Cherry getting a hard one for Scott Thompson


via videosift.com

The Vancouver Canucks think their fans are retarded.

So the Canucks have (through much self administered fan-fare), have revealed their new 3rd jerseys today, and looky, looky here, they are 99% exactly the same fucking 3rd jersey that they have been using for years.

It seems the Canucks think that taking their existing 3rd, making the stick a bit thicker in the rick logo, and slapping a shitty version of the Johnny Canuck on the sleeve qualifies as a completely brand new jersey that was deserving of a countdown, and special unvieling. They also produced a touching video to commemorate the event.

This is of course is just another chapter in Canucks history brought to you by the new dream marketing team that has already brought out the new Canucks propoganda movie, and the already cancelled, 7th man award jersey rafters....thing.. The Vancouver Canucks clearly have zero respect for thier fans intelligence, and are treating them like they are short bus'd toddlers. But what really bugs me, is that it won't matter in the end anyways, because the fans will get up and dump thier wallets down like robots no matter what shit sandwich they serve up.

But I guess they deserve it in Vancouver. It is a horrible sports town, and brought it on themselves. I know they would never put up with this shit anywhere else, even Long Island.

Blues Bankers

Here's another gem from the marketing side of hockey: The St. Louis Blues for their remaining Saturday home games will give some lucky winner 4 months paid rent or mortgage payments....Yup. So here's how I see this:

Wife-y:"Honey, the bank wants to take our home away from us, what should we do?"

Hubby: "Go see a hockey game?"

It appears the new demographic added to the Blues target audience, besides hungry fat people (same link), is now people on the verge of receiving foreclosure on their homes or notices of eviction. How else could you explain it? No other way, that's how.

By February they'll be offering a free nights stay at the local YMCA in exchange for a game ticket.

At least the Blues are living up to their name now.

The new guy.

So I haven't been posting as much as I would have liked to in the last week, but our new friend Spec7ral has been more than making my lack of time with a wide array of borderline inappropriate posts. Now we just need Jason to jump in and give us a post on how 9/11 never happened and we will be all but complete.

Speaking of Spec7ral, I never really had a chance to introduce him as a new writer, and now I'm glad I didn't. His posts speak for themselves. He has a good blend of sarcasm and veiled hatred for the human race that was ever so lacking on hockey blogs. His anger is sure to help attract that crucial male 18-34 market that is the driving force behind mental retardation.

So, here is a photo of the halloween costume of the year. It just further digs HockeyDump into the same old glorious hole it has found itself in many times before. I mean, is it our faults that the Malarchuk incident is tremendously fascinating? Huh? Can't hear ya. That's what I thought.

Closeted-gay-deadbeat-dads rejoice!

Glen Anderson will be inducted into the hall of fame. This is a great time for all the deadbeat dads of the world who have foregone making their child-support payments, especially those with two homes in the Carribean islands who spend their spare time golfing.


That is a picture of Glenn spending time with someone else's child.
Notice the white pants?

We here @ HockeyDump, are still working feverishly to try and substantiate the following rumour: When Wayne Gretzky uttered the famous words "I promised Mess I wouldn't do this" @ his press conference to announce his trade from the Oilers, he was referring to "outing" the passionate love-affair between Mark and Glenn.



That conjures such a disgusting visual image that I vomited slightly.

In other news that doesn't involve hockey players fucking each other, but does involve Andersons from British Columbia, Pamela Anderson has huge fucking tits.

The slowest 3 minutes in hockey. A weekly rant. 2nd Edition.

Ok, so I am probably going to hell in a handbasket for saying this stuff so close to Rememberance Day, but I have been known to take my chances.

On Coach's Corner, Dunce Cherry just cried, which is okay, I guess, because it was in semi-reference to his uncle who died in the war. He died in WWII and I figure that makes Dunce about 11 years old @ the time. He also said his uncle served the entire war, which means he would have last seen his uncle around age 4. Maybe he is sad that he never got to know him, thus he cried. Maybe those issues I brought up in the first edition of the weekly rant were the real reason he was crying. Who knows?

Anyways, it's definetly a nice touch honouring people who are fighting (and unfortunately dying) for the freedom of others. But did anyone notice that they had all the French KIAs @ the beginning of the segment? It wasn't by last name, or by rank, and I'm pretty sure Quebec is in the middle of the country. Why were the French-Canadians seemingly segmented from the other soldiers? I am just talking here.

As long as Dunce feels the need to constantly bring up the war like some sort of backward-thinking maverick, I will continue to draw conclusions based on little-to-no-foundation. Dunce gets paid for it, so I should be able to do it for free. If Dunce wants to take up airtime talking about the war, maybe he should use that fat head of his to come up with some ideas on how to end it. That's the only way people will stop dying. Or he could have honoured all the innocent civilians that have died as a result of the war. Those people didn't have a choice.

Tips for Life

Don't crush 15 beers in a matter of hours when you have to be up for work @ 4am. You might not wake up.

In other news, the injury bug continues to haunt goalies this year, particularly Vezina caliber goalies (I'm looking @ you Chris Mason!). First Fat Brodeur, now Nabokov, who's next?

Remember Clint? Remember when he tried to shoot himself in the face? No? It's ok, the neck slitting incident is way cooler, because there were cameras there!

This just in, Paul Kariya's MRI results:

From now on, anytime a team discloses a "lower body injury", assume this is it.

Beggar's Banquet

I have just received yet another beautiful phone call informing me that I will be witnessing a National Hockey League game tonight, live, free of mother fucking charge. Fro those of you keeping score, that is my 3rd free game in 12 days. That is what we call in the freeloading business as the moocher's trifecta. So long suckers, bitch is off to eat himself some footlong food.

Side Note: The above pick is of Zach Hamill doing his best Cornholio impression. What does this have to do with anything? Blow me, that's what.

Kris Versteeg looks like he would be fun to drink with.

I could give you the lowdown on what the hell is going on here, but Greg does it so much better. Just rest assured that Kris exists, and leave it at that.

What the Hull crawled up Modano's ass?

“It was idiotic and stupid,” Modano told the Dallas Morning News. “It was one of the most embarrassing things I’ve seen. If that’s what we’re going for, then they need to find me an office job.”

These were Modano's comments in response to a loss against the Bruins, in which the following transpired:



Some things I took from this video:

a)Steve Ott is sub-human.
b)Announcers who don't know much of anything can make up for it with references to Sean Avery being ripped limb from limb, especially if you infer that it would be weird not to want to see that happen.
c)Matty Niskanen is a pretty little boy.
d)Why is a pretty little boy fighting?
e)These teams should play more often.
f)I need an "I hate Peyton Manning" T-shirt.
g)It's been too long since I saw the Churla hit:



The various news sources where I read about Modano's comments , made it sound like they were directed solely @ Avery. I would guess Avery factors in, but Ott seems like the big fucking pussy here. I suppose when you put more than one guy on a team that won't back his shit up, old man Modano gets pissed off.

And thus it seems Hull managed to get his team an identity, something to the effect of the whiny yellow-belly shitdisturbers.

Side note: It pains me that Don Cherry worked his way into this post. I suppose vermin always turn up where you don't want them.

Brodeur out 3-4 months

Looks like being called "fat" leads to injuries. Knabibulin will be there within two weeks...



...Bill Cosby sweater and all.