Scheduling Conflict

I would first like to say, the city of Vancouver is completely out of basil. Thus, I would like to follow that up with a big "Fuck You" to all of the grocers out there for fucking with my Game 7 Pot O' Lasagna.

Now that we've got that out of the way, I would also like the extend another large "Fuck You" to the idiots at the NHL head office, for the scheduling the last few days. Way to capitalize on as many viewers as possible, you fucking schmucks.

So THAT'S how they do it in their family.

Forcing young boys to suck your cock in the middle of a playoff game is the type of out of the box thinking that transforms a regular middle age man from merely a hockey fan, to a SUPER FAN!

Kudos.

Ladislav Scurko ain't nothing to fuck with.

Q: What do you do when you are a hockey referee and you are in an argument with Flyers prospect Ladislav Scurko?

A: Get stabbed 14 times, then buried in a forest.

Get the full story here.

O-M-G

0v3ch!k!|\| ju57 h4c|<3d 7h3 s3rv3r!!!1!



Ovechkin just turned the Rangers into Swiss cheese. And I figured out why... it's because of the question he was asked by a reporter after the loss last game:


Holy shit, the fury of his eyes just burned my monitor a bit. I wonder if that woman is still alive?

"YOU THINK SEASON IS OVER? WE ARE IN PLAYOFFS IS NOT REGULAR SEASON. IS NO MORE QUESTIONS."

MY man crush grows larger by the minute.

This Just In: Tavares Sucks

TSN wants to let you know that someone thinks that Tavares is not the #1 pick in the draft. Hell, he's not even the #2 pick in the draft!

Also, Calder finalists announced: Mason, Ryan and Versteeg. I'd put up a vote, but I'm tired of hearing how great Mason is. Maybe if they get swept people wll actually give Ryan some consideration (I know, I know it's based on regular season but everyone knows that's a load of horseshit). I think Ryan or Rinne deserve it more.

First Sweep EVAAAAAAAAAAR!

Canucks swept the Blues. Whoop-de-fucking-doo.

It was, however, their first sweep ever, so as a former die-hard fan, I felt the need to come up with some sort of celebratory HD photoshop.



I think that works perfectly.

FAT BRODEUR LOSES HIS SHIT!

I was watching the end of this game, pretty miraculous. Carolina scored with .2 seconds left on the clock, tied 3-3 in the third, FTW. Well, they won, but Carolina winning is not FTW, it's just annoying...

...except if it makes Brodeur go fucking bananas.

I've got two lists and you're at the top of one of them

Hey Everybody!

My name is Sean Avery and I have two lists of people. NHL goalies I have smacked in the head is one of them! Simeon Varalamov is the lastest to join my elite club. Hopefully we make it two the second round, so that Tim Thomas can make a repeat performance.

Chicken & Shitty Blogs

So I have noticed a couple of things. One, that I often start my blog posts with "So,...blah,blah ,blah, here is a list of shit I want to say", and two, I don't like posting when there is hockey to be watched. I find that I only really want to talk about hockey when there is no hockey on TV. Seeing how this is the playoffs, and I am bathing in hockey daily, the old Dump is left a vacant mess. Now don't get me wrong, the other lovely ladies of HockeyDump are just as much to blame here(especially Mr.Towers, that guy is a ball bag), but seeing as I am the one that started the madness, I will take the hit here.

So what the hell am I talking about? I don't know (that's another thing I often do when I post. I ask a question, then I answer it. It's a winning formula, something that most Dumplings wouldn't know about).

Right,...so where was I?

OK, I have no idea what I'm even typing anymore, so I am just going to leave you with this great recipe for Drunken Chicken:

Step 1: Buy this...
1 whole chicken
a bunch of sea salt
a can of booze.
1 Pack of Smokes
aluminum foil

Step 2: Cook it.

Step 3: Eat it.

Ron McLean vs Colin Campbell

I just watched the most enjoyable piece of hcokey entertainment the CBC has put out in quite some time. Colin Campbell came down from his "Ivory Tower" (I wasn't aware that I loved this term until Colin Campbell let us know how much he hates it) to discuss a few hot topics.

FOUND VIDEO!
Colin Campbell openly admits that he feels that Camalerri doesn't merit a suspension due to the fact that Campbell doesn't "think he's that type of guy", in reference to players he deems bullys, such as Carcillo (who did earn a suspension).

Let's compare the plays in question:





Jumping fucking Jesus on a motherfucking pogo stick. For the arbitrator of the National Hockey League to go on national television and proclaim that those two plays merit different suspensions, due to his personal view on the type of person either player is, that is some of the soupiest fucking bullshit I have ever heard. Rules should be in black and white. It's essentially the EXACT same thing happening, except that one player gets a suspension. What a load of rotten horse shit.

They touch on the Lucic bit as well, which I am pretty steamed about. I mean, I've got that fucker in my keeper pool, how am I going to win with that shit going on? I have a regular season crown to carry into the post-season for fuck's sakes!

Ron then gives Colin some guff about the fact that John Stevens wasn't allowed to use Carcillo for the last faceoff of the game. I'm not sure what that was all about, but I like the fact that Ron was pressing Colin for answers the way a drunk presses an old man for smokes after a session of binge drinking.

Colin gets kind of tired of being berated for information (I mean, really... who expects to have to answer questions in an interview?) and decides to try and turn the tables on Ron for his use of the term "Ivory Tower" in reference to his place of reign over the NHL. He comes off as insecure as he assures us of all the time and effort he puts in up in the IT department. Then again, Ron was shooting him sidelong glances that seemed to say "Hey Colin go piss up a rope".

Basically this post is just a big kudo to Ron McLean for giving Campbell the questioning and a big fuck you to Campbell for being a chimpy twerp.

Cocksuckers. More than meets the eye.

I'm sure this video will be making an appearance on every hockey blog in the known universe (if it hasn't already), but Mr. Millions just enrolled himself in mandatory corporate sensitivity training. Good luck Roger, good luck.

GIVE YOUR BALLS A TUG YOU FUCKING PUSSY.

I was reading a blog when those words came over my speakers loud and clear. It was the end of the 1st period in the Blues-'Nucks matchup, and I clicked the tab fast enough to see Kesler beaking at someone on the Blues bench. Now THAT is the kind of shit that will keep me tuning into these shit-ass match-ups.

"Give your balls a tug..." Fuck, that is some good shit.

Video will be posted when located. EDIT: FOUND IT! Doesn't mean I'm taking down the other picture!

In the meantime:



I hope no one has eaten anything recently!

Also, here is as good a reason as any to stop cheering for the Canucks:


I wonder which one of these guys was the one that got laid in that thing in '94? The other two guys keep breaking it out every run to try and break their cherries.

Taylor Pyatt's fiancee died?

Looks like vehicular deaths are the new thing for the Canucks?

Slowest 3 weeks in hockey, making excuses while the lost time unravels.

Hey There Dumplings!

Glad to be back from a brief tour of the southern gulf islands. Sad to say I didn't see much of any hockey, but I've got a 6 pack, a stomach full of over-priced margaritas and coronas, a smoldering quarrel (fueled by said mexi-bevs) with the GF and some internet archives to delve into...so...

LET'S ROCK AND ROLL!

Coach's room, crica April 4th.

Don starts off with some patriotic BS about the battle of Vimy and how the Canadian troops showed up and won it in a day, after the English and French had lost 100,000 troops previous to their arrival. Sounds like Cherry-picking to me, but hey, I am all about the puns.

One of the things that sucks about relaxing without technology and sports highlights, is that I see this over a week later:



Oh man. That is fucking brilliant. How is he a bad actor? That was some serious Broadway magic if you ask me.

So Don rips into Avery, and goes off about dalmatians not being able to change their spots. Good. Avery is a brainiac. Did he even get a suspension? Not that I can see. The NHL has a secret boner for this shit. I have a full blown throbbing one.

Not a lot more to report from this segment, other than this pic that they splashed up:



That's first lady Obama getting her junk crunked by the Queen. That's fucking moist!

Coach's Room circa April 11th:

Don starts off by lambasting some company that used "Ron and Don" to sell something. He didn't want "any of his guys" to think he would lend his name to something like that.



He would sooner lend his name to the tires they are riding on.

Dawn then touches on the fact the St. Louis Blues have sold out 27 times this season, mentioning in passing the free-food promos that Towers had brought to our attention earlier this year. He then commends John Davidson on this shrewd tactic. It's good to see that the Blue's version of food stamps garner his approval.

Okay, so here is when I lose my (paid-for) lunch. Don rattles off for a couple of minutes about how Ron Wilson is an idiot (by using sarcastic "Genius" quips). If Wilson actually said, as Don quotes, that bringing in talent would be "like putting jewelery on an ugly person", he IS a fucking genius because that is the most thought out quote I have heard in hockey in years (sloppy seconds doesn't count, even if Avery thought about his quote for longer than Wilson did).

Why would he say that? Due to the fact, they will most likely still suck balls next year. Here is their pipeline of talent: Tlusty. That's it. The rest of their AHL squad is chock full of 4th liners. Maybe Wilson is actually being shrewd by tempering expectations, which would help to (but not by much if anything) temper expectations from the Toronto faithful.

Not alot of photo-ops round these parts, so here is an example of what "Toronto faithful" deserve (I felt like contradicting myself a bit to make Dunce feel better about himself).




Ron McLean actually goes a bit ballsy, and asks Duncey what the axe he is grinding with Wilson is about, is it the loss to the Americans in the '96 World Cup? Don then goes anti-American as only he can, and promises to never speak of Ron Wilson ever again. Anyone want to take that bet? I am willing to put some money out there that he uses his name by mid-May. And for him to even talk about the Leafs this late in the season is fucking mind-blowingly comical as-is.

Right after he essentially calls for Ron Wilson to be fired, he is asked if MacTavish should be fired. He responds with "I will never, ever call for a coach to be fired...". Are you even fucking serious? Did I not just listen to him calling for Wilson's head for about 60 seconds? I am going to fucking lose my mind. The talent level on the Oilers is not even closely comparable to that of the Leafs, but he gets emo on it and gives MacTavish some love. This guy is pretty fucking close to certifiable at this point.

SIDE NOTE: THE FOLLOWING MAY MAKE YOU PISS YOUR PANTS OR SPIT BEER ALL OVER YOUR MONITOR, I DID BOTH!



Jesus Christ, that is on par with the Havlat healer and it's 4 minutes long...

Then Don goes on to celebrate the fact that Cindy Crosby fought with a visor on, the same thing he has berated all other players who do so throughout the year. His explanation? "Well the other guy has a visor on too". Fucking amazing.

Thanks Dunce. It's been a good year. I will try to keep up with you in the post-season, but it will be tough.

Side note: 50 bonus points to whoever can find MacTavish's mugshot from when he killed the person drunk driving. I need a new T-Shirt.

Turtle Burgers etc...

So it has been about a week since we have posted anything here. On one hand, I feel kind of bad when the Dump gets neglected like that, but on the other hand, I don't give fuck. It's a tight rope we walk here.

Now watch this, and we'll talk after...



So, it's a clip of Martin Havlat as a faith healer. Ya, I have no idea either. All I know for sure is that I fucking love it. Whoever made that needs to quit his job as a truck driver or florist or whale hunter or whatever, and start making shitty YouTube clips full time. I'm not sure if it would pay well, but damn, art isn't always convenient. Also, here is a clip of Kovalchuk face raping Brian McCabe all over the A.T.L. (Note: it made me bleed cum).

Man vs Nature. Kangaroo Edition

THIS IS A THROWDOWN A SHOWDOWN!!!

And only Dunce will slow down... or something.

So Mr. Williams has called me out and demanded some playoff predictions. Glad to fucking oblige. I will have it be known that pick 'ems as far as games are my achilles heel. Gimmie fantasy all day everyday, I am fairly comfy in those confines (with the exception of me taking Kessel 3rd overall in a one year league a few years back, don't ask), but give me pick 'ems and I crash and burn 90% of the time.

So without further ado, for you giggling pleasure:

From the East:

Boston vs Rangers (3-4)
Capitals vs Habs (4-2)
Devils vs Pens (3-4)
Philly vs Carolina (4-1)

Westcoast steez:

Sharks vs Ducks (3-4)
Detroit vs Nashville (3-4)
Calgary vs Columbus (4-2)
Vancouver vs Chicago (4-0) (And I hate the Canucks)

Round 2, FIGHT!

East:

Caps vs Rangers (3-4)
Philly vs Pens (2-4)

West:

Calgary vs Ducks (4-2)
Vancouver vs Nashville (4-2)

Round 3!

Pens vs Rangers (3-4)
Calgary vs Vancouver (4-2)

Finals

Calgary vs Rangers (4-1)

There ya go!

HockeyDump's European Vacation Part 3

Ok, so I have a few hours downtime today before I attend a meeting on Cross-Platforming in International Transitional Media, (whatever the fuck that is), so I figured I would pump out another riviting HockeyDump Presents: European Vacation, or what the kids are calling HoDu on the Med, (and you can't ignore the kids, they are our future).

So in this instalment, I thought I would cover the exciting action the NHL has brought us in the last week. The only problem with that, is that I haven't seen a game in a week. I wanted to, but it appears that the NHL doesn't allow you to watch live streaming video if you are outside North America. Why? Because once again, the Big Balled NY Brass are MARKETING ICONS NOT TO BE MESSED WITH.

So instead, I will predict the playoff match-ups. And yes, I do realize that predicting the match-ups at this point is pretty lame, but half of the blogs out there are doing it, and I am a follower, so I will too. And fuck you.

Round 1

Boston Vs. Florida (4-1 Boston)

Washington Vs. New York (4-1 Washington)

New Jersey Vs. Pittsburgh (4-3 Pittsburgh)

Philadelphia Vs. Carolina (4-2 Carolina)

San Jose Vs. Anahiem (4-0 San Jose)

Detroit Vs. St.Louis (4-3 Detroit)

Vancouver Vs. Chicago (4-2 Vancouver)

Calgary Vs. Columbus (4-2 Columbus)

And actually, I guess I could take this a step further, and predict the winners and losers, a Cup Champs, and whatnows....

Round 2

Boston Vs. Pittsburgh (4-2 Boston)

Washington Vs. Carolina (4-3 Carolina)

San Jose Vs. Columbus (4-2 San Jose)

Detroit Vs. Vancouver (4-3 Vancouver)

Round 3

Boston Vs. Carolina (4-3 Boston)

San Jose Vs. Vancouver (4-1 San Jose)

Stanley Cup Final

Boston Vs. San Jose (4-1 San Jose)

So ya, basically, it would appear that I don't see any major upsets coming. Does that make me a boring person? Yes. But you have to remember, no matter what ends up happening, I will claim I knew it all along, and say I told you so to anyone that will listen. I am a hockey God. I am a fucking LEGEND.

Cheers,

- Davey Williams, Americano (or at least thats what everyone here thinks)

Captain Hitchcock....

Here's a recent quote from Hitchcock that I'm loving....

The buzz in the city is unbelievable. It feels very much like any good Midwest city, whether it's Canadian or American, about sports here right now. It's the topic of conversation everywhere you go -- coffee shops, sporting goods places, restaurants. It's everything. "

Apparently the Hitch can't even name 3 places in a row that people go to on an everyday basis. 'Sporting goods places"? C'mon... Kenny, can you please try to fit into normal society's pants for a second?

I'll take grocery stores and banks for a thousand Alex. (Answer: Places Hitchcock hasn't been for a decade).

HockeyDump's European Vacation Part 2

So I decided that sleeping is not a huge part of my plans here in France, and as a direct result, I have been awake for almost 24 hours. I have a meeting with some guy from some company in a few minutes that has absolutely nothing to do with hockey, but since this is a hockey blog, I am going pretend it is with Hall of Famer Ray Bourque. And honestly, it might as well be, because all I can make out with my eyes right now a basic rudimentary shapes and primary colours. I am going to start by asking him to sign my Bruins t-shirt, and when he questions it, I am going to stand up, grab his arm, and indian burn the shit out of it. Why? BECAUSE THE REAL RAY BOURQUE WOULD TOTALLY GET ME, AND THIS CLOWN IS JUST WASTING MY FUCKING TIME!

....unless he wants to give me some money,....then I guess he's alright.

- Davey Williams, blogger.