Mike Gillis makes his first drunk phone-call as GM.

Because you can never have enough sub-par backups.

Latino Alaskans get all the play around here.

Now normally I don't like to just A) post funny clips from YouTube in loo (sp?) of "actual content", not that what we generally serve up here can actually be considered "actual content". And B) This clip is hardly worth it, but it made me laugh out loud, and I figure that was worth the price of admission by itself.

Note: Scott Gomez just won 10 HockeyDump points.

Note 2: These points can be redeemed at your local mother's house.

Note 3: I forgot to tell you I stole this from the boys over at here.

Blind people are funny.

Let me just start by saying bravo. I'm not sure what European, Bong-Bong league that clip came from, but as long as the goaltenders celebrate all their saves with elaborate prop based comedy, I'm in. I would also like to commend the net-minders brave choice in including the mockery of people with handicaps in his joyess rampage. Was it necessary? Absolutely not. But Necessary doesn't get you the coveted "HockeyDump Best minor league or other goaltender celebration that we found on YouTube by accident award of the day award*" does it.

*Award may not exist.

World Junior Chumpionships

Canada 15
Kazakhstan 0

Did this game really need to be played? This is cruel.

Happy Dunce Year, Fuckfaces!

Okay, jizzmoppers, here we go. The shit I learned from Dongy-Dong-Dongle Chezwick tonight on Coach's Corner, is as follows:



It's a good thing that hockey is played in slow motion. Cause that's how Dongle likes it. That's why anytime a player goes into the boards with an opposing player's stick in the general vicinity of their feet, it's obvious that there was malicious intent (although if you're Justin Williams you're still a "good kid" and you don't get the full Chezzy berating). I wish sex was in slow motion the other night, maybe then I could have stopped my dick from jackhammering, mid-thrust, into my girlfriend's chode.



Ron McClean isn't supposed to ask Dongle questions about Sid the Skid unless he has consulted him before hand. Maybe they should take the 10 second muzzle off and Ron and Dongle can just tape it in bed together when they wake up.



Skidmark Crosby is in a funk because he signs hockey sticks for people. I guess if all the NHL Superstars go back to the old school way of fucking hookers, doing blow and whatnot before games, shit would be good.



Without Geezer Roberts and Ryan Malone (he's having a great year without Crosby) the Pens are not the same team. I think he meant that in a negative way...?

Don Cherry laughed when they put a black man on screen for the juniors. Seriously. There was nothing funny he was interjecting, they just splashed a clip of the kid (PK Subban) and he started chuckling. Holy Shit. Are my taxes still paying this guy?



Take fighting tips from Wayne Gretzky. Ok, I admit it's BS to have a visor on during a fight and Wayne should have been mad. But who takes fighting tips from Little Miss Muffet? While on the subject, notice how he abslutely layed into Artyukhin for it, but the fact Clutterbuck did it was forgivable? Russinas give us Vodka Dongle. You should be sucking his 80 proof cacksnaggle.



Collapse is an intellectual's word. Really? Because coach Dongle used to call it "coming in" anyone who uses the correct term (collapsing in the defensive zone) is an intellectual? This is actually the best point he's ever made, as most crackheads have more brains in the tip of their coke nail than Dongle has in his entire pruny body.



Dead soldiers are "beautiful boys". We were treated to another war glorification, in which Dongle also managed to put his latent homosexuality front and center with his comment.

This was probably a little over the top, but I had to make up for lack of posts lately. Banzai!

Side Note: I still don't have photoshop, I'm using Paint.net, which, although free, is a poor substitute. Can we start a donation to buy me phtoshop or what?

Wayne as a girl makes me gay.

Ok now. First I would like to say that I hope some of you had a nice Christmas or whatever it is your fancy religion celebrates this time of year.

Second-of-ly, I would like to say that the pic above is wonderous for at least three reasons.

Reason 1: I am a big supporter of shitty photoshopping. It really is the fuel of the intenet. Without it we would not know what cats are really thinking, or what that girl on the TV would look like with really big jugs. (Note: HockeyDumper Spec7ral is a great contributor to Bad Photoshopping on the Internet, and this is a public request for him to donate his talents to this blog a little more often.)

Reason 2: It's not at all funny, which in turn makes it amazingly funny. Nobody cares about the Coyotes, and there was no demand for a photograph based pun of their plight. This photo is kind of like Telemundo. It's amazing because I'm a racist.

Reason 3: Why is Tyra Banks still there? Seriously, it adds such a beautiful and odd undertone to the whole thing. It makes me want to punch myself in the dick. But in a good way.

Bonus reason: Wayne as a girl makes me gay.

Now go ahead and do your friends a favor and forward this pic to all your friends. They will thank you for it in the end.

Snow Daze.

Been a while...

Basically, Towers and I have been trapped in the snow doing the airport shufle for the last better part of a week or so, and Spec7ral has been manning the fort all lonesome like. So...ya. At least nothing good has happened. Hockey gets really slow around this time of year and makes the blogging world basically make a choice of shutting down, or spew some bullshit out at you. I like to think we are doing a bit of both.

So Happy Holidays from the fuckwads here at HockeyDump. We hope you die less.

Cheers.

Davey

Toilet or Bin?

Eat it Cuntknucklers.

P.S. Mike Gillis' greatest achievement, at least the way he's telling it, and he can't comb his hair, shave or stop drinking for a day? This team looks worse that the ten day old liver stains in my inner toilet bowl. What a joke. Eat it you assfucks. DIE DIE DIE!!!

It's finally over.

Let the excuses begin.

Black Velvet of MY dreams...

Charles fucking Nelson fucking Reilly.

La La La

If you like bad acting, at least 1 1/2 star rookies, and black guys, then you are going to love this new All-Star video by the LA Kings.



My favorite part is when Anze looked like a middle aged alcoholic. Good times.

Top 10 laziest bloggers of all time.

You know what I like? great fucking bodychecks.

You know what I like even more? Other peple doing my work for me.

That is why I'm glad I stubbled across AskMen.com's Top 10 BodyCheck of All-Time. It allows me to create a great post without all the trouble of actually creating a great post.

So to sum all this up...

1) I'm a lazy pile of shit.

2) Here are the Top 10 BodyChecks of All-Time.

3) I'm using the pic of the hotdog because I already had it n my desktop, and I need a nap.

"I need to hear truths I haven't heard before" - Dwayne Hoover, Breakfast of Champions

Sundin is a useless piece of cunt meat. That little flap that, although you never see it, causes that slight chaffe on your cock in between your circumcized toque and your god given man mast (un-cut men should not read this column).

Seriously... fuck fantasy/pool hockey gambling. Who the fuck does this dipshit think he is?

Oh hey, I can go home to mom and eat some swedish meatballs for 6 fucking months. Then I can go for a fucking lollygag and do some poker advertising. And then I can sit around and stick my own cock so far up my own fucking asshole that I finally bust the first load of my entire useless life. Cause that's all my point-per-game carrer has been...uselesss. Toronto still sucks. I still blow. And no matter what side of the weather vane I fall upon, no team that gets me will win, because I will be a distraction.

Way to go you big ugly smiley faced albino Ronald McDonald wannabe. Just buy a fucking pistol and end the mystery already.

DEAR MATS SUNDIN: KILL YOURSELF.

Signed,

Everyone you thought gave a shit.

Side note: LOL! if you google image search "dead sundin" this blog is the first hit. WILLIAMS IS GOD!!!!

Saturday the Dunce-teenth

My apologies for my last post. I was in a drunken state of disarray after having my pad broken into and my television stolen. Being that I have all this pent up anger, I think now is a great time to let some steam off.... so without further ado:



Duncey-Boy started off his segment tonight with a brief plug for his latest Rock 'Em Sock 'Em. That's fine with me, I actually love that early part of the series, since youtube didn't exist until recently (I hope he still uses early '90's radio techno). I don't, however, agree with his comment that he "needs to make a buck". I'm pretty sure the money that clown is getting paid by the canadian taxpayers for 5 minutes work a week is more than enough. Seriously, I pay that guy, that's fucking sickening.



Duncemaster then got into how in order to be a role model, pro hockey players must show up for games in suits. Teams like Tampa Bay and Ottawa, who showed up in dress shirts that had no ties, nor were top buttoned, are "going to steal your hubcaps". He then alluded to a couple of guys on Ottawa making out with each other...WTF? It didn't even make sense... they went from being guys that would steal your car to dudes who were about to make out. I dunno, maybe the guys who stole my TV and PS3 were West End homosexuals with a penchant for crowbars and HD NHL 08.



He then went on to talk about how staying on the ice with a broken arm is a good canadian thing (being useless is canadian!). Then talked about how the Irishman was going to bring up all the AHL kids when he took over the Leafs (cause he didn't yo-yo Bobby Ryan in the minors at all).



The cherry on top (eat that pun like a rotten clam), was that he COMMENDED (not to be confused with codemned, which would have been correct) the Vancouver Canucks scouting staff. WHAT?....WHAT?!?....I'm pretty sure Mr. Williams has talked about Vancouver's scouting before so I'll leave it @ that.




PS This virtually guarantees that Cody Hodgson will be a complete bust.



PPS Random hockey comedy gold!

Ben Clymer did nothing to deserve this.

Gretzky, Orr, Howe, Clymer.

All these names instantly flood many fans with images of Stanley Cups and Hockey Glory. They are all icons that helped reshape the game and bring joy and passion into the hearts of hockey fans around the world. They are all living legends. All except for maybe Ben Clymer, who is a dirty pile of journeyman filth that isn't fit to do my laundry. And that isn't even just my bloggy opinion, that is a straight up, hard fact. Unarguable.

So why am I bringing this turd up anyways? Well my friend, I bring it up because I will take any opportunity to kick the KHL when they're down, and Ben Clymer is leading the way in fan voting for the KHL ALL-Star game. YIKES.

I can't tell you how bad this looks. A guy that couldn't find work in the American Hockey league, is amongst the Kontinental's very best. A guy who in 2001 had a career year with 34 points in 81 games. Wow. Ben Clymer shouldn't be on an All-Star team in prison let alone a "professional" league somewhere. If I was Russia, I would be hiding this info like a weapon of mass destruction. That shit is just embarrassing.

And yes, I do realize that this story isn't exactly all that "interesting", but I haven't posted in a while, and Spec7ral just had all his shit stolen, and Towers is god knows where. Soooo,...ya.

What it feels like for a girl.

Hey,

Y'all ever came home to the idea of watching the monday nighter and realized that crackheads stole you TV and PS3? No? Well it sucks. Take my word for it.

Then watch whatever shitty game you are granted and never speak with me again.

Merry fucking Xmas.

Mr. Angry no-tv Cunt.

PS this is actually true.

The State of Cheese

Actual Poll Question from page 15 of this months issue of Sports Collector's Monthly:

Which team will have the most points at the All-Star break?

a) Los Angeles Kings

b) Carolina Blue Jackets


Wow...

So first, I don't know what I like better, the fact that they have included the Los Angeles Kings in the conversation, or the fact that they have also added a team that doesn't even exit.

Also, I would like to add that question 22 claims that Presidents Trophy is awarded to the highest scoring team (when it's the team with the most points),and question 18 gives the options of Price, Giguere and an injured Brodeur as Vezina candidates.

But the best part of this amazing piece of spots journalism has to be the opening paragraph...no shit, this is it....

"Have you ever been watching a game and the announcer says something so utterly ridiculous it leaves you wondering how he was granted his press credentials and perhaps more importantly, how he got to be a so called expert?"

It then goes on to self congratulate it's staff for being "typically right on the money".

In case you were wondering, Sports Collector's Monthly is based in Wisconsin. Yup, THAT Wisconsin. God Bless America.

Andy Murray is a fucking dipshit

When asked about the Sean Avery remarks and suspension, Murray responded by pointing out Plaxico Buress' recent suspension from the NFL for (alledgedly) shooting himself in the leg. It's good to know this old fuck thinks that making disparraging remarks to reporters about a hole you used to discharge your wad into, is akin to discharging your gat into your leg in public. What a schmeg of cockrot.

In other non-hockey-related news, OJ cried like his dead wife's family as he pleaded not to go to jail. It's funny, he used to play football with Dick Butkus, and now... well, you know...

Kane and Toews become awesome.

So Patty Kane and Jonny Tazer decided to become legit dudes. Check it out:





Toews' advert wins (even if he's not going to the All-Star game), as they diss the English and soccer. Why is it that Chicago and Washington have the coolest dudes in hockey, and Canadian teams don't have a single ounce of personality on their rosters combined?

Also, Toews rips because of this:



That's the best hockey interview I've ever seen. Short, sweet and sweary.

Two Peas in a Pod

Brian Burke has announced that he is seeking to get Dave Nonis in on his new Maple Leaf regime. Now, not only will Toronto have to increase its supply of potatoes and Jameison's, the city's restaurants will also have to start locking their lard dumpsters.

Sean Avery didn't say anything that isn't 100% true.

"I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about. Enjoy the game tonight."



By now you have all heard what Sean said, and have probably already made up your mind on what side of the fence you fall, so I'm not going to to preach to you one way or another, I'm just going to say that there are a lot of whiney bitches out there in the blogosphere, and most to all of you need to have your diapers changed.

Fuck you,

-Davey

PS - Avery is one of only a small handfull of hockey players that aren't boring as shit.

PPS - Bettman can't market hockey.

PPPS - Sean Avery didn't say anything that isn't 100% true.

PPPPS - I guess I am going to preach a little.

PPPPPS - But still, fuck you.